Wednesday, December 31: Reader Submission

Yes, I know it's New Year's (and Maureen's birthday) but Wednesday is Reader Submission Day and that's just how it is... so a lifeku about crazy all night antics will be posted tomorrow, after some crazy all night antics. Today's reader submission comes from Bill Corvino, who, like me, pays attention to weird stuff people do on the train. He explains:

I saw a woman on the train mouthing the words as she was reading. I realized appearances can be deceiving in NY where most women look sophisticated:

Your mouth is moving
as you read Harry Potter.
Congratulations.



PS: For those of you who know Maureen personally, today is her birthday and you should call her. [hint hint]

Tuesday, December 30

A couple of days after the holidays, some of the "living" gifts that you receive turn out to not be such great gifts, things such as Poinsettias (which, let's face it, don't work with all types of home decor), fruit cakes, which might as well be living, or the unforgivably forgettable gift: the cactus.

Ugly Christmas wreath
This is such a crappy gift

It smells like cat pee

Monday, December 29

We called for Reader Submission: Holiday Edition and received the oh-so-lovely legend of the non-existent newspaper. That is to say, a newspaper was ordered from said date to said date, yet said newspaper fails to appear when the date arrives. When asked, Cheryl explained:

No tip for Christmas
I just didn't feel like it
Bah humbug, news boy

Sunday Poll: December 28

The "gifts" I received for Xmas make me feel...

Saturday, December 27

You, Clumsy Oaf Man
Can you watch where you’re going?
Coordination

Friday, December 26

Tis the day after Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even my mom getting up to raid the leftover cookie platter. The dirty dishes and ashtrays were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that the cleaning lady soon would be there to mop up that accident I'd like to forget about. The parents were nestled all comatose in their beds, while visions of bad eggnog and yesterday's drunken relatives danced like nightmares in their pounding heads. And mamma still in her Christmas dress, and I in my cap, had just settled down over the toilet for a long winter's vomit followed by nap.

I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:

Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?

Calling All Lifekus

Starting today, the Daily Lifeku will be posting all of your holiday shenanigans in anticipation for the most alcohol filled holiday of the year: New Year's Eve. Or maybe Saint Patrick's Day... but we're not Irish and NYE '09 is way closer.

Send in your best holiday lifekus inspired by your crazy family, bad gifts, over-eating, over-drinking, forgotten gift giving, and embarrassment in general and we will post them in the coming days of Inter-Christmas-New-Year's. Email us at dailylifeku@gmail.com

MERRY XMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH AND/OR KWANZA, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Commercial Gift Giving Day

A very happy holidays to everyone from The Daily Lifeku:

Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents


Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents

Wednesday, December 24: Reader Submissions

Today's reader submission was sent in by Jiji, who tells you all about her crazy pets on her blog My Life in Trinidad and Tobago. She explains:

"We have a Parrot that is extremely unfriendly. We had her when she was almost still an egg and had to feed her in the middle of the night etc... NOW, she is big and stupid and bites and makes a lot of noise and doesn't want anyone to touch her (I have pix of her on my blog). So I made a Haiku about her...

Idiot Parrot
Why do you bite me up when
I am feeding you?

I'll cook her one of these days and tell my mum it's a malnourished Chicken."

Tuesday, December 23

Today I submit for your review yet another absurdly amusing but still kind of sad and very real Datepad.com message, sent in from a lovely reader from L.A. who wishes to remain anonymous in her dating debacles. For those of you who are not familiar with Datepad, it's not unlike Match or Meetic (in France) except that it sports the super awesome slogan "The Law of Attraction in Action." Sweet:

Hey there, what's up? Excuse my malapropos overture because I'm not yet "au courant" with the proper cyber protocol on how to approach girls....Nevertheless, It's impervious of my character not to take time out and adulate you on how beautiful I think you are. Besides, I'd really surmise that there's something terribly wrong with me or daftly suspicious if I didn't...CUZ OMG!! GODDAMN BABY CAKES YOU ARE ON FIREEE!! LOL, now I'm extremely confident that a lady of your caliber gets really tired of hearing that again and again. But I discern that "its not what you say, but how you say it". Furthermore, I can conjecture you probably have like a bajillion emails to read so I'll keep this "petit." If I've left anything out on my profile, please feel free to ask because any inquiry from you is welcome...LOL. Who knows, maybe we'll get the fortuity to confabulate some time? It's been a pleasure...
Happy Holidays
Arrivederci


Where do I begin? The overuse of Franglais in the first sentence? Impervious of my character? Daftly Suspicious? "Conjecture" and "like" in the same sentence? I feel like I could go on for hours, but I won't. Fortuity to confabulate. Ok that was the last one.

Datepad.com Guy
Your message sounds like you just
Raped a thesaurus.

Monday, December 22

I often see things that I don't understand... like pregnant women who go shopping with 4 children and then expect you to feel sorry for them because they are pregnant and have four children. I mean, hello, I didn't tie you up and rape you then force you to carry my seed to term 4 times, so how on earth is your predicament my fault? But alas, I digress. Other things I frequently see that don't make sense include: people dressed as large stuffed animals on roller blades, naked teenagers when it's snowing outside, cross dressing soccer hooligans, 7 year old children who take the metro by themselves, and women who insist on wearing open toed shoes even though the current state of their feet display a clear relation to a hobbit.

Ogre feet lady
You should sand down those bunions
When wearing peeptoes

Sunday Poll: December 21

Think Fast: Airline Standby

Saturday, December 20

Ordinarily I should be waking up in the United States, in my Moomie's house feeling all sorts of comforted and warm and cozy. But I'm not. I am still in Paris. It is still cold and gray. Why am I here? You have good reason to ask this question, since any logical person would think to themselves, "I purchased my ticket 6 months ago, so I am flying on the plane pertaining to my ticket." Unfortunately, any logical person would be extremely wrong in thinking this, since clearly I am not on my plane. No no, when I arrived at the airport (3 and half hours early by the way) I was told that there were no more seats. I thought that was really funny, since my seats were already written on my reservation... but this is where it gets confusing because those seats that I chose when I made my purchase were not, in fact, my seats. They were "hypothetical" seats that I may or may not have recieved (in this case, not.) Air France explains that my seat was actually never mine and when I paid two grand for a ticket, I wasn't really "buying" anything. I was hypothetically reserving, just in case they felt like they might want to give it to me. After 6 hours on standby and not ever getting on the plane, I find myself at home again preparing to repeat the same process tomorrow a la Groundhog Day, with some Air France taxi vouchers and a "Compensation For Denied Bording" voucher for 800 euros. Yes it's really called that.


Fancy pants Air France
You sell things that you don’t have
Not unlike stealing

300 seats, yet
330 tickets
Where does that make sense

Woman at counter
I do not care if you’re chic
I will still hit you

Friday, December 19

Sometimes, people piss you off. So you do things, like send pizzas to their house or sign them up for email newsletters. Or other things...

When you were asleep
I farted right in your face
So who’s the man now?

Thursday, December 18

There's two homeless women that have lived in my neighborhood since I moved here. I suppose "live" isn't the best word, it's more like they "squat" in front of the BNP (a bank) on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays and in front of the dry cleaner across the street on Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. These two women have more stuff than any homeless people I have ever seen and can often be seen clutching their bags for dear life as they shoot you dirty looks when you walk by. The interesting part is that within their plethora of plastic bags, there is some useful crap like old clothes and shoes, but they both actively choose to remain barefoot and sleeveless even in January. Sometimes they squat across from each other, one at the bank and one at the dry cleaners, and yell crazies back and forth across the street, chucking the occasional aluminum can at pedestrians that interrupt them.

Hey crazy lady
Talk to yourself a little more
You’re barefoot, you know

Wednesday, December 17: Reader Submission

Today' we have a special treat, namely 2 reader submissions! The first comes from the lovely Megan, who is frequently accosted in public places:

Strange man in the bar
Your pick up line does not work
Get out of my face

Lifeku #2 comes from "Anonymous" with the delightful email address of "wouldntyouliketoknow@yahoo.com." For the sake of things, we'll just call him Gunther. Gunther apparently had a problem with my inadequacy lifeku probably stemming from the extremely high levels of truth. Gunther's frustration with the fact that he can't get it up has provoked him to reveal a little universal truth of his own:

Remember last night
I said you didn't look fat
In that dress? I lied.

Tuesday, December 16

Sometimes I don't fell like doing a long introduction, especially when the lifeku is self-explanatory. This may or may not be one of those times.

Curious monkey
Those are my private places
Get your hands off now

Monday, December 15

The holidays remind me of so many things: how much I hate Tysons Corner and teenagers who drive, my grandmother's sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows that I avoid like the plague, the Chinese restaurants that never close, the Christmas crowd at Clyde's... It's so much nostalgia that I don't know what to do to myself. Then, of course, there's always the "Company Christmas Party" that you have to factor in. It doesn't even matter if you work at a company, because chances are you know someone who does and you'll have to be their plus 1 anyway. The Company Christmas Party is one of those rare occasions where you are forced to see your asexual and self-deemed completely uninteresting colleagues in a non-work context, freed from their cubicle existence. This means that you will have to acknowledge their significant others, hobbies, possibly children, and of course, flagrant drinking problems:

One too many girl
You smell like a brewery
You’re starting to slur

Sunday Poll: December 14

Think Fast: Holiday Travel

Saturday, December 13

I'm flying back to the states for the holidays next week, which means I have mentally been preparing for international air travel since before Halloween. It's funny how people turn into complete psychopaths when given only 2 cubic feet to live in for 8 hours. I'm sure the flights to and from Paris and DC will inspire many a lifeku, but I thought I would warm up with memories of previous travels and delightful adventures:

Voluminous girl
You take up two seats, not one
Who are you kidding?

Friday, December 12

There's this one girl who works at my grocery store who is always in a pissy mood. It could be beautiful outside with rainbows and unicorns and she would still be scowling in her red smock, chucking plastic bags in my general direction. I would also like to point out that this particular girl also has a very visible moustache, which she may or may not me aware of and which may or may not contribute to her foul mood. Either way, I think we'd all be happier if she slapped some dipilatory cream on that bad boy.

Bitter cashier
It’s not my fault your life sucks
You know you’re worthless

Thursday, December 11

I'm in a giving mood, it must be the holiday season. I am feeling generous enough to let the men of the world in on another secret: You know how we say it's no big deal? We're lying.

Remember the time
You said it was just this once?
Inadequacy

A quick note...

To those of you who recently signed up for email subscriptions, you must confirm the request before you will be added to the list. You should receive an email from Feedburner and which probably go into your junk or spam box by default. Just click the "verify" link, and you're on your way to lifeku heaven.

Wednesday, December 10: Reader Submission

I've decided that Wednesday will be Reader Submission day from now on...so if you've got a lifeku, go ahead and send it in.

As I've said before, Maureen is lovely, but she is also a horrible person and totally proud of it. This is, of course, why I love her. Sometimes, however, she will take a pause from laughing at people who fall down to think of other people's feelings, for example her mother's feelings. Today's lifeku is about the sacrifices we make to protect our parents' feelings, in honor of the dreaded holiday season:

Mom, I love you, but
That tomato jelly you
Made was gross. Sorry

Note: It has previously been stated that Maureen will eat anything, so the maybe the tomato jelly wasn't so much of a sacrifice after all.

Tuesday, December 9

Today's lifeku has nothing to do with Paris, but instead concerns driving in the States. Before I moved to France, I grew up in DC and spent four years living in Brooklyn which means I had my share of road rage moments. Now I take the metro everywhere and no longer have to deal with idiots tail gaiting me for 20 minutes because I didn't see them when I merged, but I do get a fresh dose of murderous hysteria whenever I talk to Maureen on the phone. Our conversations go something like this:

D: "Hey, what's up?"

M: "Nothing, just running some stupid errands. What are you doing?"

D: "Not much, eating chocolate... wasting my life away on Stumble Upon."

M: "I know, Stumble Upon is so - HEY YOU IDIOT GET THE F*** OUT OF MY WAY JEEZE!"

D: "Huh?"

M: "Sorry about that, people are so retarded. I SAID NO I AM NOT LETTING YOU TURN LEFT!!!! IF YOU WANTED TO TURN LEFT YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE LEFT TURN LANE YOU JACKASS!!"

D: "Are you at Tysons Corner?"

M: "Route 7" [10 second horn honk] "NO, NO, F*** YOU I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!"

D: "Road rage much?"

M: "I know, but it's not my fault that everyone is stup--- [interruped by extremely long horn honk]"

and the conversation continues in that matter for a few minutes until I get tired of hearing Maureen's "angry voice" and I hang up the phone so she can yell. This one is dedicated to my Twin Flame and the person she hates the most on on the road:

Car blocking the box
I’m imagining your death
You selfish ass wipe

Monday, December 8

Sometimes, but not very often, I feel a little bit bad for men. In general. They never really seem to know what's going on and those blank, confused stares often give me the urge to let them in on a little universal truth:

Hey, all men: newsflash
Sometimes we start fights with you
Just because we can.

Sunday Poll: December 7

Think fast: The French

Weekly Round-up: Personal Space

In honor of my love for personal space and the incredible security that goes along with it, I've put together a list of the top lifekus dedicated to those who invade your (and my) area:

Personal Space Invader 1: The Close Talker

Personal Space Invader 2: The Homeless Man in the Metro

Personal Space Invader 3: The Pushy Old Lady

Personal Space Invader 4: The Plain Old Rude Lady

Personal Space Invader 5: The Man Who Yells in Your Face

Personal Space Invader 6: The Facebook Stalker

Personal Space Invader 7: The Lady Who Presses Up Against You

Personal Space Invader 8: The American Backpacker

Personal Space Invader 9: The Pusher in Line at the Store

and last but certainly not least:

Personal Space Invader 10: The I Talk About My Life With Complete Strangers Lady

Saturday, December 6

When I was a kid, I used to travel a lot. My parents would send me to visit my aunts and uncles in France and Israel all by my little ole self starting at the rip young age of 10. I felt so grown up, traveling all by myself... [insert nostalgic sigh] of course this is when airline tickets didn't mean selling your first born child for a trip to Europe. It was also when you could smoke on planes, and by 13 I sure was taking advantage of that "international waters" situation with my pack of Marlboro menthols. Eww. Anyway, I used to always get bumped up, or "upgraded" in fancy speak, because I was traveling by myself and couples or families wanted to sit together. Yet again, speaking of once upon a time, back then a lot less airplanes had business class so I frequently found myself sipping champagne in First Class, baby. Oh yeah. Seriously, on like 12 international flights, I got bumped up to first like 8 times. That's a lot for a kid. That's not the point. The point is that ths doesn't ever happen to me anymore, probably because I am an adult now plus nobody on an airplane gets bumped to first anymore. Especially not with that Economy Plus crap which is like in between coach and business. Don't even get me started on that. Back to the point, if I do ever happen to have enough miles to get myself upgraded to Business, I mostly certainly do not want to encounter the most dreaded of all airline passengers: The Drunk Person Across The Aisle. This is the worst possible of all "characters" one can meet during air travel. This person began drinking before they got on board, kept drinking as soon as they offered free champagne, continued with the movie, and basically won't stop until they begin vomiting. And all I want to do is kill them. I once had one guy who sang with his earphones on from Shanghai to Paris but I don't really remember it because of the rage blackout.

Drunk man on the plane
I don’t need to hear you sing
Vomit quietly

Friday, December 5

I am totally one of those people who hates certain people for no reason whatsoever. That's right. Sometimes I look at someone and just like that decide that I hate them, and once I have made this decision there's no coming back. It could be their stupid face, pedophile-ish regard, strangely small fingers, or overall annoying air in general... it doesn't matter, I don't care, I already hate them before I've even decided why. People who have made it on to my Immediate Hatred List have absolutely zero chance of getting anywhere with me on anything ever. A perfect example is Jennifer Garner. I absolutely hate Jennifer Garner and imagine her face exploding everytime I see it. This is a person that I don't even know, a person that I have never even met, and therefore have no foundation on which to base my hatred. But I hate. I hate all the while and so today's likefu is dedicated to every single one of you that managed to make me hate you in less that 2 seconds flat:

Howdy there stranger
Your stupid face looks like your
Neck threw up, You suck.

Thursday, December 4

Anyone who lives in a real city probably has their homeless "regulars." These are the homeless people that can always be found in the same place in your neighborhood, except for brief bouts where they disappear and you wonder if they died (you know it's true.) I had 2 regulars that "lived" downstairs from my old apartment in Brooklyn; we dubbed them "Crutch" (he only had one leg) and Snooze (he was always sleeping). In retrospect Snooze could have more appropriately been called "Smells Like Toilet" but I didn't think of that right away. Here in Paris, I have many regulars, including one I really like who talks to everyone with a lion puppet... At least he's providing some sort of entertainment. There was Sleepy McSleeperson, who was often but not always sleeping but regardless always looked really sleepy. There was Drunky McDrunkerson, who once threw a beer can at me and tried to spit on Maureen and was always on a state of constant angry slurring. I didn't like him so much. Then there's "The Crew" which consists of 5 guys, 7 dogs, and a battery powered radio who squat on the corner near the Franprix... Today's lifeku was inspired by my regulars:

Crazy homeless girl
You’re not holding your baby
It’s a dead pigeon

Wednesday, December 3: Reader Submission

After Thanksgiving, we are all moving into "holiday mode" with thoughts of the hell that is present shopping and glittery red and green bits in our faces everywhere we go. But before we begin hiding in our old bedrooms to avoid certain relatives, let us stop to reflect upon the grossness that managed to infiltrate so many Thanksgiving dinners. What am I talking about? I am talking about those unmentionables that nobody should eat ever, under any circumstances. Today's reader submission, was sent in by the lovely Maureen, who I happen to know will eat anything. Even Atkins pasta. Eww.

Why are you so good?
I know others don't like you
But I do. Giblets.

Tuesday, December 2

I often come across "cat women" (women with cats, which is different from "Cat Women" who look like cats, keep up people) who insist on wearing black and dark gray (it's slimming) even though they have what appears to be some sort of furry quilt covering their entire person. These women stand next to me on the metro, where I watch the cat hairs sway back and forth in the gentle breeze of the open window, just barely gripping the wool, taunting. I can help but recoil if the coat itself sways in my direction, as I am already losing the battle against Chloe's hair (my Yorkie.) But no amount of Chloe hair could ever compare to, say, a Himalayan, which sheds enough to coat your home in what appears to be very soft snow. Velcro-y snow. I understand that they love their animals and what not, but seriously, why not put things in a CLOSET. They have doors that close. And on the rare occasion that they live in a studio with no closet, they still have other options. It's as if they've never heard of hair removal, which is an idea that could very possibly make my mother's head explode, since my mother's #1 pet peeve is cat hair on clothes and furniture. Regardless of why, crazy cat ladies out there, this one goes out to you:

Disheveled woman
Here, have this lint roller for
Your coat of cat hair

Monday, December 1

Today is Monday, also known as Gossip Girl Day. Even though I am old enough to have known the mixed cassette tape, I still feel compelled to watch a TV show for 14 year-olds. I can't help it, it's Blair and Chuck, they make me crazy with their wicked schemes. They're like Sydney and Kimberly from Melrose Place only without the explosions. Besides, Serena is growing on me and Jenny's mullet will eventually grow out... which brings us to:

Why, Gossip Girl, Why?
I'm too old to love you so
Much, XOXO

Sunday Poll: November 30

Think Fast: The Word "Panties"

Saturday, November 29

Today's lifeku is a reader submission, sent in by the lovely and talented Maureen, who is also my Twin Flame (as in uber BFF):

What is with the cookie cutter mansions that all look the same? Architecturally, they are like the equivalent of North Korea, lacking any and all individuality. It totally gives me the creeps to think that all of my neighbors would have the same bathroom as I do...


Tacky McMansion
Your house looks like your neighbors
Learn to be unique

Friday, November 28

As I've said before, sometimes one needs no introduction:

Fuzzy little lamb,
You don't want me to eat you?
Don't be so tasty

Happy Turkey Day

My whole family once went through this prolonged vegetarian phase. It started when my sister moved to San Fransisco and subsequently became vegetarian and then vegan. She brought home the trend, raving about the John Robbins The Food Revolution and spewing horrible details about how steak is born. Within weeks, she had my whole family on the vegetarian kick... some lasted longer than others. My mom held out at least 7 years for a BLT (I knew she would cave) and my sister kept it up until her pregnancy, when she asked me to buy her a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Thus ended the vegetarian reign.

Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth




UPDATE: Reader Submission

Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:

Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode

I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?

Wednesday, November 26

Yesterday morning I saw a woman on the metro taking her kids to school. (This particular woman happened to be Asian, but that doesn't relate to anything of importance for our purposes, I'm just letting you know for Jerry's sake) She was, say, somewhere in the black age hole of 38-61 and sitting with her very young children on the folding seats. I say "the black hole of age" because that's where women seem to fall these days. Take myself: I could be anywhere from 26 to 42, with people frequently mistaking me for someone in my mid thirties [insert depressed sigh]. For the record, I'm actually only 26. This woman, however, was more impossible to judge on age than an ambiguous adult-teenager that may or may not be jail bait, because the skin on her face was pulled so tight that I don't think she could actually physically close her eyelids. At all. I also suspect that she has difficulty smiling as well, since her mouth was so pulled and puffed with collagen that she looked like Gina Gershon through a magnifying glass. The best part of all of this was that she had "chosen" not to wear "make-up," which meant the giant white brow lift scars on her eyelids where visible to all. Classy.

Tight Botox woman
No expression on your face
You look like a cat

A note to myself...

A special thanks to my Twin Flame who always notices my morning typos. The thing is, I am actually a good speller and a person who hates typos... but when you're trying to get it out there at 7:00 am before you run out the door, obviously you miss a few. So I figured I deserved my own lifeku:

Daily Lifeku Girl
Maybe you should check spelling?
There's typos galore...

Email Subscriptions/ Technical Difficulties

For some reason email subscriptions didn't go out last night, sorry for the lack of lifeku. I haven't totally figured out what went wrong, but have hopefully rectified the problem anyways... You should now receive your feed subscription between 11:00am and 1:00pm EST.

Daughter Out.

Tuesday, November 25

I've always said that whenever you see a man naked and drunk doing something loud or embarrassing, you have exactly 4 options to choose from: English, Irish, Scottish, Australian. I have never been proven wrong in this theory, ever.

English hooligans
Singing, vomiting ruckus
Get off the bar now

Monday, November 24

Didn't you all have a friend (possibly at college) who always managed to create a story that was bigger and better than a story that you just told? Of course you did, we all did. I like to call these people "one uppers" because they are always trying to one-up you with something more fantastical and unbelievable. Often a better word for these people is "liars." It doesn't matter what story you just told, it could be about how you were nursed back to health by mountain lion cubs on a camping trip gone bad, and this person will come up with something even better like knowing a girl who was raised by wolves from birth in an Alaskan cave. It's always a distant relative or nameless "friend" who accomplished the feat so that you can never verify or call them out, but that doesn't mean we don't all know they're big fat lying.

Compulsive liar
Your uncle didn’t do that
No one believes you

New Features & Happenings

Some of you may have noticed that I've upped the fanciness level on The Daily Lifeku:

1. Sunday Polls: Since, not unlike God, the Daily Lifeku must rest on Sunday, I will now be launching Sunday Polls to see how many of you are horrible people like myself. I kicked a baby this morning by the way.

2. Reactions: Blogger gave them to me, so I give them to you. If you're feeling the universal truth of the lifeku, it's "word to your mother." If you're a lame douche that doesn't get jokes, it's "wackness." So feel free to vote.

3. Top posts and Favorites: You can now find the most commented posts and my personal favorites on the right sidebar. For those of you who actually pay attention, you may notice that I have given you some "Inspirational Moments" between the two.

4. Recent Comments: The most humorous part of the Daily Lifeku is often the discussions that continue in the comments, where many of you will see my friend Jerry misuse important vocabulary words. The 4 most recent comments/commenters can be found on the right sidebar as well. Lots of them are other bloggers who are almost as funny as I am, so you should check them out.

5. Stalking: Last but not least, I have made it easy for you all to stalk me via the vast expanse that is the internet. Feel free to follow my every move on Twitter, Facebook, Technorati etc, but be warned that I will kill you if I see you outside of my house. And trust me when I say that I know how to dispose of a cumbersome body...

Note: For those of you who describe via email - As I am in France, and post in my own time zone, you are actually recieving yesterday's lifeku in your inbox. Just so you know.

Sunday Poll

Think Fast: Children...

Saturday, November 22

Sometimes people just don't get things. For example, my brother and my dad do not "get" this blog and mostly think I'm a horrible person. I do not "get" those super unflattering shiny pleather leggings that make it look like your legs have been shoved into metallic sausage casings. But sometimes, saying you don't "get" it is a big fat load of crap because there's nothing to get, like say, conceptual art. Saying you understand conceptual art is either a) a lie, b) admission of being a totally self pretentious douche bag, or c) a more intricate lie. I know there are artists everywhere who want to kill me, or themselves, for saying that but guess what: I went to art school, and every other major thinks you "conceptual art" majors are a total joke. So there.

Conceptual art
Look at my blank white canvas
Three million dollars

Friday, November 21

I've always had an issue with personal space... even more so since I've been living in Europe. The French have no concept whatsoever when it comes to personal space in lines, stores, or trains and are perfectly content to thrust their bodies up against you in the hopes of somehow speeding up the process of whatever it is you're doing. It is possible to avoid this up close and personal contact by be increasing body position creativity; for example, if you stand sideways in a line with one foot jutting out, the person behind you can't realistically go past your foot without looking like they're trying to bump n' grind. Unfortunately, this technique doesn't ever work for the dreaded close talker. You know, the one who leans forward a little more every time you lean back so that you are forced to bend your body like one of those Japanese contortionists at Cirque de Soleil?

You there in my face
No one likes a close talker
You need a breath mint

Thursday, November 20

Earlier today I saw a man in a suit backpacking in the metro. A man in his 50's. Backpacking. Isn't there a point where we acknowledge our actual age and stop carrying on like a bunch of whippersnappers? There are plenty of things that I would never wear because I am old enough to have my own "generational movie" (hello, The Wackness, you were my teenage), and I'm not even 30. Or conservative. So when I see what we'll call "a young grandmother" wearing what can only be referred to as the slutty equivalent of a onezie, I want to fight the violent cringing within and desperately run to them saying, "Please God cover that up! Pleaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!" Which obviously brings us to:

Trampy cougar, you’re
Not Forever 21
You shouldn’t shop there

Wednesday, November 19

I have recently stopped listening to music in the metro and taken up reading a book so that I can be more "aware" of what's going on around me, like the creepy dude in the corner whispering vulgarities in my direction. Before, I just didn't hear him, whereas now, I consciously ignore him. It's totally different, I assure you.

Homeless man in the
Metro, playing with yourself
Back away from me

Poll: Homeless people usually

Tuesday, November 18

This is for that special person in my life who always thinks they know what they're talking about when in fact they totally don't. No, you don't know who you are.

Hot shot smarty pants
Think you know everything?
Your face is stupid

Monday, November 17

Today's lifeku was inspired by virtually every child who has ever sat next to me on a plane, train, subway, or the next car over on the highway:

Boy picking his nose
You are not invisible
When you close your eyes

Do you have an inappropriate child's bodily curiosity story? Share it!

Saturday, November 15

I think this one came to me when I was almost physically run over by at least 7 different quasi-blind, over-styled trendy boys:

Styled teenage boy
How can you even see with
Those bangs in your face

Friday, November 14

Today's likefu goes out to a very special lady:

Your curried deviled
Eggs smell like bottled old fart
Please put them away

Thursday, November 13

Let me just start by saying that the concept of "French Customer Service" is an oxymoron in and of itself, since service in France is either non-existent or a total joke. That being said, I still feel like plenty of Americans will feel where I'm coming from:

Useless salesperson
You have no idea what
You’re talking about

Wednesday, November 12

We've already discussed how much I hate men who cry. The thing I hate almost as much as crybabies are wussy complainers that whine about everything. You're a man, suck it up for Christ's sake. Nobody cares that you didn't get enough sleep last night or that your iPod got stuck on Smashmouth's Allstar, which brings me to:

Hey whiny pants guy
Stop crying about your lame
Sandy vagina

Tuesday, November 11

In my continuing fight against the feeling of being old, I am often set back when I encounter scantily clad teenage girls that seem to forget they are working:

You, skanky sales girl
“What can I do you for?” is
Not appropriate

Monday, November 10

One of the things that I never miss about the States is the general volume of everybody around me, since people don't yell their business all up your space in Europe. However, I am sadly reminded of where I come from when I sit next to a table of loud American tourists who have just discovered their inner "French Touch." These people often consider themselves to be overnight experts in the areas of Parisian culture, wine, the French in general, cheese, and of course, Socialism. I often wish that they would shut up long enough to notice that they have attracted the attention of the entire restaurant:

Obnoxious people
At the table next to me
Take it down a notch

Saturday, November 8

Why is it that old ladies not only seem to think that lines never apply to them, but also that all public spaces have been put there expressly for their personal and exclusive use:

Pushy old woman
People around you exist
Please step aside now

Friday, November 7

Today's lifeku goes out to a special certain someone, a someone who is perhaps the most horrible person I know, which is of course why I think he's hilarious. He's also kind of a whore:

Angry, bitter man
Kick a puppy yet today?
You’re going to hell

Thursday, November 6

Today's lifeku is yet another facet of the previously mentioned "Human Cube" and resulting air quality:

Morning commute guy
Do you bathe in Cool Water?
I need oxygen

Wednesday, November 5

Sometimes I wish there was an easy way in French to say, "I dare you to do that again." They say "cap" or "pas cap" which is for are you capable or not capable, which basically sucks the balls that I don't have. Alas, I am left to fester in bitterness over my daily interactions, hoping that I don't one day punch an old lady in the face:

Extra rude lady
I double dog dare you to
Push me one more time

Formation Civique

Today I had my formation civique, which is a mandatory full day of learning fun required by France for immigrants to get their papers. We spend 8 fun filled hours learning all about the magnificent principles of The Republic, what's legal and not legal, the ideas behind democracy and socialism, and the subsequent changes some immigrants will need to adjust to.

There were two question and answer periods, the first pertaining to the government and boring crap like that (FYI France has regions, departments, and communes, and I still don't understand the difference between them). The second Q&A pertained to citizen's rights and human rights, which apparently really need to be spelled out for certain people from certain Middle Eastern and African countries where it happens to be legal to beat and circumcise your wife. I won't name names.

This horrendously long day inspired many lifekus, so I've decided to put together a little something I like to call the Civique Formation Series:

Part I: Morning


Monotonous drawl
You might really be able
To bore me to death


Crafty Chinese Boy
Way to get away with
The stealthy headphones


Canadian girl
Why don't you know your own
Independence Day?


Unpleasant woman
Pull that crap with me again
And I'll pop you one


Part II: Afternoon


Man in the back, no
You can't hit your wife in France
Because she talked back


Other man in back
It's always illegal to
Hit your wife in France


Yet more men in back
Polygamy is also
Illegal in France


Formation Civique
Useless French information
My whole day wasted


Fin.

Monday, November 3

I love how when people have been drinking they suddenly assume that you have become deaf. And possibly 2 feet further away than you really are:

Boisterous loud man
I’m standing right next to you
You don’t have to yell

Saturday, November 1

This one goes out to all of you (mostly men, but some of you vaginal species are in there too) who are missing the Brain-To-Mouth-Filter. What is that? It's the filter that stops idiotic sentences from spewing out your mouth the moment you think them. The filter that nudges you with a little, "Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that." Ahhh, yes that filter. The one that so many of you seem to be missing:

Inappropriate
Guy, can you ever control
Your big fat loud mouth?

Happy Halloween

In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I would dedicate a lifeku to one of my most favorite characters in existence: The Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist. Oh how I love you and your cute crazy rantings! What's that? You don't believe in AIDS? Awesome.

Weird paranoid guy
The man is still watching you
Shh, did you hear that?

Thursday, October 30

It's hard to bypass a slow, blue-haired old lady shuffling down the street. Especially when they have limited equilibrium and seem to slalom down the side walk:

Old lady beehive
That’s a lot of jewelry
No wonder you’re slow

Wednesday, October 29

Every time I walk outside, I am astonished at how many people are lacking the following items: full length mirror, thermometer and/or weather source, winter coat, and a properly sharpened eye pencil (that's a whole other subject all together). But those who impress me most are the youth of today. Particularly the youth of vaginal tendencies. That's right I'm talking about teenage girls. You know, the ones who are basically wearing dental floss in a snow storm and still think they're hot stuff? Maybe their youth serves as extra body heat, powering them through the long, cold winter months or maybe frostbite amputation is a hot new trend that I haven't heard about yet...


Naked teenage girl
Why don’t you put some clothes on?
It’s February

Tuesday, October 28

Those of you who don't actually know me may not get this one. It all started with my mom's gigantic silverwear, which you'll have to trust me when I say is the most enormous silverwear you have ever seen in your entire life. Ever. Clearly, it was designed for Giants, not humans. This conclusion led to my now popular Giant Impression, which obviously involves roasted babies since that's what giants eat. I would show you except that I would rather die than post a video of myself online:

Loud angry giant
I don’t have any sauce for
Your roasted babies

Monday, October 27

There are many things that disturb me about Sarah Palin. In fact, her very existence disturbs me. But with all her crazy republican quasi-nazi conservative beliefs, I am still baffled by the fact that someone who lives in Alaska would vote against putting the polar bear on the endangered species list. Obviously, I concluded that it's because she eats polar bear for dinner, then brushes her teeth with polar bear fat before going to sleep on her polar bear sheets. That must be it.

Hey Sarah Palin,
Why don’t you build a house with
Those Polar Bear pelts

Saturday, October 25

Weird depressed roommate
Will you put on pants today?
You smell pretty ripe

Friday, October 24

You know what I hate? Guys who cry about stuff. That's right, I said it. I was once with a guy who cried all of the time over the stupidest crap you could ever imagine. This only cemented my hatred of pity party crybabies, which bring us to:

Uh oh pussy pants
Why don't you cry about it
You throw like a girl

Thursday, October 23

I hate mumbling almost as much as I hate super gross limp handshakes [shudder]. But seriously, how hard is it to pronounce your words when you speak?

Monotone mumbles
Nobody understands you
Enunciation

Wednesday, October 22

Before I moved to Paris, land of discretion, I spent 4 years living in Brooklyn, land of whatever the opposite of discreet is. Today's lifeku is thanks to many sleepless nights of ghetto ass screaming and a particularly eerie ice cream truck that always passed at exactly 4:30 am, with the music playing mind you. I mean who eats ice cream at 4 in the morning? In January? Whatever. Here's the lifeku:

Girl yelling outside
He's not your baby's daddy
You're making a scene

Tuesday, October 21

Single ladies everywhere, you know where I'm coming from. That cute guy from the club would actually really dig it if you would toss his salad while he wears your panties. You nod and smile; thinking that if you can just make it to the kitchen, you can get the hell out of there before he ever knows what happened:

Weird fantasy guy
There’s no way I’m wearing that
Get out of my house

Monday, October 20

Overgrown nose hair
Crawling out of your nostrils
Electric trimmer...

Saturday, October 18

Girl at the night club
Nobody needs to see that
Please put it away

Friday, October 17

Creepy stalker guy
Leaving me Facebook comments
Stop, I don't know you

Thursday, October 16

Cute guy on the couch
Women might go out with you
If you took showers

Wednesday, October 15

Family sedan
With all the bumper stickers
Your kids are ugly

Tuesday, October 14

Invasive lady
Pressing all up against me
You smell like cat pee

Monday, October 13

Offensive breath man
Did something die in your mouth?
Have this stale Mento

Friday, October 10

Stripper on the pole
How much for a dance?
I’ve got a dollar

Thursday, October 9

Italian guy
Across the courtyard from me
Why are you naked?

By popular request...

Readers may now submit their own lifekus, just use the submission form in the right column or email dailylifeku@gmail.com

Please no foul language and no racist jokes. Even you Jerry.

Wednesday, October 8

Hysterical girl
It’s okay if he leaves you
Show some self control

Tuesday, October 7

Teenage girl driving
Stop putting on your lip gloss
Before you kill me

Monday, October 6

Slow Volvo waiting
Could you move any slower?
The light is green now

Sunday, October 5

Fat guy with ice cream
You should put the cone down now
Before you explode

Famous Real Haikus

If the concept of the lifeku is totally lost on you, perhaps you should have a look at these haikus from famous Japanese poets.Keep in mind that they do have the correct number of syllables, in Japanese. I personally can't read them without laughing:

Basho Matsuo:

The old pond;
A frog jumps in -
The sound of the water.

Natsume Soseki:

Over the wintry
forest, winds howl in rage
with no leaves to blow.

Kobayashi Issa:

A sign of blessing
The snow on the quilt
From the Pure Land

Friday, October 3

The following is an ACTUAL MESSAGE received by a woman on Match.com. The sender of the following message mysteriously deleted his profile before she could tell him that he basically seemed mentally handicapped.

"hello Im Jaime I have 38 years old , I have 2 children do not live with me I work in costco department dely,Ilive in front royal I look for a good woman whom it respects and it wants to go out ahead and like the children if these interested write"

Now it's time for the Lifeku you knew was coming:

Jaime the retard
Front Royal Costco dely?
You should kill yourself

Thursday, October 2

Neighbor, I hate you
Why are your flowers dying?
Yes, I peed on them.

Wednesday, October 1

Don't you ever want
To just vomit on someone
Right in mid-sentence?

Tuesday, September 30

Sometimes, lifekus really don't need introductions. This is one of those times:

I didn’t ask you
For your lame opinion
Stop talking to me

Monday, September 29

It's time to present my first two part Lifeku, inspired by singles in a technology driven modern world:

Match.com stalker
Refrain from contacting me
We have never met

Won’t leave me alone
You should have hid your email
Newsletter signup

Sunday, September 28, Part 2

Boyfriend, drunk and loud
Comes home with wasted friends, late
Will sleep on sofa

Sunday, September 28

Online pharmacy
I need not your Viagra
Let my inbox go

Saturday, September 27

This one's dedicated to every single one of you walking around looking like you're having a conversation with yourself:


Hey suit over there
With a blue tooth stuck to your
Face, you look stupid

UPDATE: I'm not the only one who thinks you're stupid. Check out this post over at Indexed to see a diagram.

Friday, September 26

Extra large tourist
Kindly remove your backpack
From my face now please

Thursday, September 25

Little dog yelping
It doesn’t make me love you
When you act like that

Wednesday, September 24

Woman in my space
The line does not move faster
Just because you push

Tuesday, September 23

Mid-life crisis guy
That car does not make you hot
Stop hitting on me

Monday, September 22

Lady next to me
I don't care about your life
I'm glad I'm not you

Sunday, September 21

Homeless guy in front
Of my house, you smell like pee
Here take twenty cents

Saturday, September 20

Hello camel toe
You wear your jeans far too tight
See how they ride up?

Friday, September 19, #2

You, gaudy woman
Put on way too much perfume
I'm suffocating

Friday, September 19

Customer service
Why do I call you for help?
When you are useless

Thursday, September 18

Why is it that some people just flat out refuse to even attempt to control their obnoxious children? As if I'm supposed to automatically find your kid cute and therefore sympathize, which I don't and won't. If kids are too overwhelming for you, maybe you should think about that before attempting to take them to places like pool halls.

Little girl crying
You are far too close to me
Please move away now

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Saturday, September 13

When getting on the line 1 of the Paris Metro at 6:00 in the evening, one prepares oneself to merge with what I like to call "The Human Cube." This is wear you let your appendages fall into the extremely limited available space and hope you don't break something as the guy next to you proceeds to crush the cartilage in your nose with his right shoulder. It is moments like this that you really get up close and personal with your fellow commuters... too up close and personal, in the sense that you want to start giving them grooming tips. All of which brings us to today's lifeku, which I think we all can apply to about 100 people we come across in a day:


Man with bad B.O.
How can you not know the truth?
Please have this Speed Stick

Friday, September 12

Loud angry woman
With your cell phone on the train
Shut up, I hate you