Wednesday, July 22: Reader Submission

Today's lifeku comes from Shea, who has issues with his mother-in-law:

My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!

Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake

Saturday, February 28

Self-preservation
I will probably kill you
For those shoes on sale

Friday, December 12

There's this one girl who works at my grocery store who is always in a pissy mood. It could be beautiful outside with rainbows and unicorns and she would still be scowling in her red smock, chucking plastic bags in my general direction. I would also like to point out that this particular girl also has a very visible moustache, which she may or may not me aware of and which may or may not contribute to her foul mood. Either way, I think we'd all be happier if she slapped some dipilatory cream on that bad boy.

Bitter cashier
It’s not my fault your life sucks
You know you’re worthless

Thursday, November 20

Earlier today I saw a man in a suit backpacking in the metro. A man in his 50's. Backpacking. Isn't there a point where we acknowledge our actual age and stop carrying on like a bunch of whippersnappers? There are plenty of things that I would never wear because I am old enough to have my own "generational movie" (hello, The Wackness, you were my teenage), and I'm not even 30. Or conservative. So when I see what we'll call "a young grandmother" wearing what can only be referred to as the slutty equivalent of a onezie, I want to fight the violent cringing within and desperately run to them saying, "Please God cover that up! Pleaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!" Which obviously brings us to:

Trampy cougar, you’re
Not Forever 21
You shouldn’t shop there

Thursday, November 13

Let me just start by saying that the concept of "French Customer Service" is an oxymoron in and of itself, since service in France is either non-existent or a total joke. That being said, I still feel like plenty of Americans will feel where I'm coming from:

Useless salesperson
You have no idea what
You’re talking about

Tuesday, November 11

In my continuing fight against the feeling of being old, I am often set back when I encounter scantily clad teenage girls that seem to forget they are working:

You, skanky sales girl
“What can I do you for?” is
Not appropriate

Saturday, November 8

Why is it that old ladies not only seem to think that lines never apply to them, but also that all public spaces have been put there expressly for their personal and exclusive use:

Pushy old woman
People around you exist
Please step aside now

Wednesday, September 24

Woman in my space
The line does not move faster
Just because you push