What is a lifeku?

A lifeku is a haiku about daily life. For those who are unfamiliar with haiku, it is a form of Japanese poetry usually about nature, "profound," and formatted in 3 lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and 5 syllables. Feel free to check out some famous haikus if you still don't get it.

Comment. It'll make the popular kids like you.

Weekly Round-up: Personal Space

In honor of my love for personal space and the incredible security that goes along with it, I've put together a list of the top lifekus dedicated to those who invade your (and my) area:

Personal Space Invader 1: The Close Talker

Personal Space Invader 2: The Homeless Man in the Metro

Personal Space Invader 3: The Pushy Old Lady

Personal Space Invader 4: The Plain Old Rude Lady

Personal Space Invader 5: The Man Who Yells in Your Face

Personal Space Invader 6: The Facebook Stalker

Personal Space Invader 7: The Lady Who Presses Up Against You

Personal Space Invader 8: The American Backpacker

Personal Space Invader 9: The Pusher in Line at the Store

and last but certainly not least:

Personal Space Invader 10: The I Talk About My Life With Complete Strangers Lady

Saturday, December 6

When I was a kid, I used to travel a lot. My parents would send me to visit my aunts and uncles in France and Israel all by my little ole self starting at the rip young age of 10. I felt so grown up, traveling all by myself... [insert nostalgic sigh] of course this is when airline tickets didn't mean selling your first born child for a trip to Europe. It was also when you could smoke on planes, and by 13 I sure was taking advantage of that "international waters" situation with my pack of Marlboro menthols. Eww. Anyway, I used to always get bumped up, or "upgraded" in fancy speak, because I was traveling by myself and couples or families wanted to sit together. Yet again, speaking of once upon a time, back then a lot less airplanes had business class so I frequently found myself sipping champagne in First Class, baby. Oh yeah. Seriously, on like 12 international flights, I got bumped up to first like 8 times. That's a lot for a kid. That's not the point. The point is that ths doesn't ever happen to me anymore, probably because I am an adult now plus nobody on an airplane gets bumped to first anymore. Especially not with that Economy Plus crap which is like in between coach and business. Don't even get me started on that. Back to the point, if I do ever happen to have enough miles to get myself upgraded to Business, I mostly certainly do not want to encounter the most dreaded of all airline passengers: The Drunk Person Across The Aisle. This is the worst possible of all "characters" one can meet during air travel. This person began drinking before they got on board, kept drinking as soon as they offered free champagne, continued with the movie, and basically won't stop until they begin vomiting. And all I want to do is kill them. I once had one guy who sang with his earphones on from Shanghai to Paris but I don't really remember it because of the rage blackout.

Drunk man on the plane
I don’t need to hear you sing
Vomit quietly

Friday, December 5

I am totally one of those people who hates certain people for no reason whatsoever. That's right. Sometimes I look at someone and just like that decide that I hate them, and once I have made this decision there's no coming back. It could be their stupid face, pedophile-ish regard, strangely small fingers, or overall annoying air in general... it doesn't matter, I don't care, I already hate them before I've even decided why. People who have made it on to my Immediate Hatred List have absolutely zero chance of getting anywhere with me on anything ever. A perfect example is Jennifer Garner. I absolutely hate Jennifer Garner and imagine her face exploding everytime I see it. This is a person that I don't even know, a person that I have never even met, and therefore have no foundation on which to base my hatred. But I hate. I hate all the while and so today's likefu is dedicated to every single one of you that managed to make me hate you in less that 2 seconds flat:

Howdy there stranger
Your stupid face looks like your
Neck threw up, You suck.

Thursday, December 4

Anyone who lives in a real city probably has their homeless "regulars." These are the homeless people that can always be found in the same place in your neighborhood, except for brief bouts where they disappear and you wonder if they died (you know it's true.) I had 2 regulars that "lived" downstairs from my old apartment in Brooklyn; we dubbed them "Crutch" (he only had one leg) and Snooze (he was always sleeping). In retrospect Snooze could have more appropriately been called "Smells Like Toilet" but I didn't think of that right away. Here in Paris, I have many regulars, including one I really like who talks to everyone with a lion puppet... At least he's providing some sort of entertainment. There was Sleepy McSleeperson, who was often but not always sleeping but regardless always looked really sleepy. There was Drunky McDrunkerson, who once threw a beer can at me and tried to spit on Maureen and was always on a state of constant angry slurring. I didn't like him so much. Then there's "The Crew" which consists of 5 guys, 7 dogs, and a battery powered radio who squat on the corner near the Franprix... Today's lifeku was inspired by my regulars:

Crazy homeless girl
You’re not holding your baby
It’s a dead pigeon

Wednesday, December 3: Reader Submission

After Thanksgiving, we are all moving into "holiday mode" with thoughts of the hell that is present shopping and glittery red and green bits in our faces everywhere we go. But before we begin hiding in our old bedrooms to avoid certain relatives, let us stop to reflect upon the grossness that managed to infiltrate so many Thanksgiving dinners. What am I talking about? I am talking about those unmentionables that nobody should eat ever, under any circumstances. Today's reader submission, was sent in by the lovely Maureen, who I happen to know will eat anything. Even Atkins pasta. Eww.

Why are you so good?
I know others don't like you
But I do. Giblets.

Tuesday, December 2

I often come across "cat women" (women with cats, which is different from "Cat Women" who look like cats, keep up people) who insist on wearing black and dark gray (it's slimming) even though they have what appears to be some sort of furry quilt covering their entire person. These women stand next to me on the metro, where I watch the cat hairs sway back and forth in the gentle breeze of the open window, just barely gripping the wool, taunting. I can help but recoil if the coat itself sways in my direction, as I am already losing the battle against Chloe's hair (my Yorkie.) But no amount of Chloe hair could ever compare to, say, a Himalayan, which sheds enough to coat your home in what appears to be very soft snow. Velcro-y snow. I understand that they love their animals and what not, but seriously, why not put things in a CLOSET. They have doors that close. And on the rare occasion that they live in a studio with no closet, they still have other options. It's as if they've never heard of hair removal, which is an idea that could very possibly make my mother's head explode, since my mother's #1 pet peeve is cat hair on clothes and furniture. Regardless of why, crazy cat ladies out there, this one goes out to you:

Disheveled woman
Here, have this lint roller for
Your coat of cat hair

Monday, December 1

Today is Monday, also known as Gossip Girl Day. Even though I am old enough to have known the mixed cassette tape, I still feel compelled to watch a TV show for 14 year-olds. I can't help it, it's Blair and Chuck, they make me crazy with their wicked schemes. They're like Sydney and Kimberly from Melrose Place only without the explosions. Besides, Serena is growing on me and Jenny's mullet will eventually grow out... which brings us to:

Why, Gossip Girl, Why?
I'm too old to love you so
Much, XOXO

Sunday Poll: November 30

Think Fast: The Word "Panties"