Thursday, July 23

Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants

Wednesday, May 27: Reader Submission

This weeks reader submission comes from Nancy, wgo tells us about her debacle in The Dam:

When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:

Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.

In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.

Monday, May 11

I recently watched this documentary on compulsive hoarding on TLC (technically I watched it on YouTube since I have no TV, and you can to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daKsMsa8YAc). I basically spent the whole time with my mouth gaping open and one hand glued to my face in horror and when it was over I threw away all of my shoes that I never wear because they eat my feet... well, most of them...


Compulsive hoarder

You live in a garbage dump

Is that lamp molding?

Monday, March 30

Hello. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. I'm going to need you to watch this super awesome video that I stumbled upon immediately. Yes, immediately, as in RIGHT NOW. It is full of information that you simply cannot live without.



Wasn't that amazing? Don't you feel as though someone turned a light on in the pit of darkness in which we've been living? Duh. Lies. [scoffs at science to self] First of all, I'd like to know who taught this man to speak, because that was a mistake. I'm going to assume it was his mother, who was also apparently responsible for teaching him biology... which we just saw did not turn out so well. And I thought public schools in the States were bad... Regardless of whoever taught him evangelical gibberish in place of the laws of physics, this man sounds so freaking retarded that I almost feel sorry for him. "Explosions kill people." [sigh]

Good job home-schooling
Dang fancy telescopes duh
So-called gravity

Monday, March 2

You know what expression I hate? "Do as I say, not as I do." Seriously, what's that about anyway? It's all, I can do whatever I want but then I get to judge you for doing the exact same thing because I just plain suck:

Total hypocrite
You just said that it was wrong
Now you’re doing it

Friday, February 27

Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.

Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:

Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig

Friday, January 30

Sometimes, it's just better to not know the truth:

Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him

Thursday, January 22

Today's lifeku is about a subject that has long since annoyed me... Namely the gross misusage of the English language. I could go off on a rant about the French and how it's impossible to order "one cookies" but I'll save that for later and instead focus on the myriad of idiots that you and I both went to high school with:

Suburban slang kid
Conversate is not a word
Edumacation

PS: For those of you who are stupid idiots just waiting to tell me "misusage" isn't a word, you can check the dictionary definition right here. Snap.

Friday, January 16

All of you have this friend. Maybe they're not a friend but more like a leftover acquaintance from your high school group or someone you just can't seem to get rid of, like hard water stains or shingles or chiggers. Or anything else that's really unpleasant. But for some reason you just can't bring yourself to delete them from your Facebook and tell them to F-off, so you reluctantly agree (after many wall comments and messages) to go for a drink and "catch up on old times" [wretch] when:

Lazy ass moocher
Quit going to the bathroom
When the check arrives

Friday, December 26

Tis the day after Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even my mom getting up to raid the leftover cookie platter. The dirty dishes and ashtrays were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that the cleaning lady soon would be there to mop up that accident I'd like to forget about. The parents were nestled all comatose in their beds, while visions of bad eggnog and yesterday's drunken relatives danced like nightmares in their pounding heads. And mamma still in her Christmas dress, and I in my cap, had just settled down over the toilet for a long winter's vomit followed by nap.

I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:

Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?