Saturday, June 20

As I am visiting Moomie, I have internet access for a few days and thought I would provide you with a couple lifekus to keep you going. If I knew when I would have internet, I wouldn't be living in France... so as far as "the return" is concerned, I can make no promises... but in the meantime, this goes out to all of you providing too much information:

Yes, you just farted
I didn't need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Sunday Poll: April 26

My Facebook Status

Thursday, March 19

Even though I written this lifeku a little while ago, I felt like it was appropriate to post after yesterdays Reader Submission about too much information online. Sometimes, people can be just way too open for their own good, to the point where it becomes weird and unhealthy and you really want them to just stop talking. I remember, when I first moved to France, I did a two-year make-up school in order to have a student visa. During this time, I learned how to make it look like someone took a blow-torch to your face, give perfect pin curls, and other random stuff that was pretty fun. I also had this client, a choreographer, who will remain totally namesless just in case she is still stalking me and reads this blog. She was American, from Los Angeles to be specific, and immediately took a liking to me because I was American. I met her on a DVD shoot where I was one of 3 interns for a chief make-up artist from MAC and soon after she began calling me, asking me to do her make-up privately. At some point, she began to feel a little too comfortable and started telling me all sorts of really personal details about her marriage, her reproductive organs, and the current state of her body while I would do her make-up. After a while, it escalated, and she started calling me just to talk about her problems, like I was her therapist or something. I would put the phone on speaker and set it on the table and she would just go on and on for a couple of hours. Eventually, when I started avoiding her because she weirded me out so much, she didn't take it too well. She even kept calling for a year. Now, I avoid her studio like the plague, even though it's only a couple of minutes from my apartment... which brings us to:

Hey oversharer
I didn’t need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Wednesday, March 18: Reader Submission

Today's Reader Submission comes from Laurie, who makes an extremely valid point about too much information in cyberspace. I try to limit the info about myself on the net, for example I only allow photos where I look good. All others must be immediately untagged and deleted. But, I digresss... some people feel the need to put everything online, from the details of their break-up or the famed "it's complicated" Facebook relationship status to photos of themselves drunk and wasted in compromising positions. People, it's just not necessary. Laurie explains:

"Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm the only person left who doesn't feel the need to plaster my entire personal life, interests and every event I attend all over the internet. I hate going online and knowing every little detail about people I barely know or care about. Maybe if they were mildly entertaining, it would be less annoying."

Self-centered a-hole
I don't care about your life
You are so boring

Stranger don't tell me
About last night or your job
Makes me feel creepy



*Do you have a lifeku about something that annoys you? Send it to dailylifeku@gmail.com!

Tuesday, March 10

Non-sharing roommate
You took so long on the can
I went on your bed

Friday, January 30

Sometimes, it's just better to not know the truth:

Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him

Friday, January 23

Sometimes people assume that these haikus are about me. They're not, they're about life in general, hence the name "life-ku." Actually, sometimes I totally write them about you. Yes, you.

How would you like it
If I told them all about
Your incontinence

Monday, January 5

Resolutions continue! Let's start off the week with a deep clean feeling, that inner freshness that can only come from knowing he took his Valtrex:

Resolution 3
Procrastinate no longer
Take care of herpes

Friday, December 19

Sometimes, people piss you off. So you do things, like send pizzas to their house or sign them up for email newsletters. Or other things...

When you were asleep
I farted right in your face
So who’s the man now?

Saturday, November 1

This one goes out to all of you (mostly men, but some of you vaginal species are in there too) who are missing the Brain-To-Mouth-Filter. What is that? It's the filter that stops idiotic sentences from spewing out your mouth the moment you think them. The filter that nudges you with a little, "Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that." Ahhh, yes that filter. The one that so many of you seem to be missing:

Inappropriate
Guy, can you ever control
Your big fat loud mouth?

Wednesday, October 22

Before I moved to Paris, land of discretion, I spent 4 years living in Brooklyn, land of whatever the opposite of discreet is. Today's lifeku is thanks to many sleepless nights of ghetto ass screaming and a particularly eerie ice cream truck that always passed at exactly 4:30 am, with the music playing mind you. I mean who eats ice cream at 4 in the morning? In January? Whatever. Here's the lifeku:

Girl yelling outside
He's not your baby's daddy
You're making a scene

Wednesday, October 8

Hysterical girl
It’s okay if he leaves you
Show some self control

Tuesday, September 30

Sometimes, lifekus really don't need introductions. This is one of those times:

I didn’t ask you
For your lame opinion
Stop talking to me

Monday, September 22

Lady next to me
I don't care about your life
I'm glad I'm not you

Friday, September 12

Loud angry woman
With your cell phone on the train
Shut up, I hate you