Wednesday, July 29: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from my Twin Flame, who basically just says what I'm thinking anyway:

This Lifeku is dedicated to my e-mail server company, which obviously doesn’t like using any type of sorting techniques.

Stupid spam filter
No, I don’t need Viagra
Are you even on?

I'm back

It appears as though I am finally back.... after what seems like years of waiting for a new internet connection. I swear, if France didn't give me 6 hour work days, 5 weeks vacation per year, and really good bread I don't know if I could handle it here without committing customer service murder. After several visits to the SFR boutique, two outbursts of crazy laughter when I just couldn't take it anymore, and mysteriously picking up my modem at a dry cleaner behind my house (don't even ask because I don't know), I now find myself reconnected.

Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:

Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??

Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent

Update

Okay so I have now been living without internet for so long that I have almost forgotten what it is. I am supposed to be "reconnected" tomorrow afternoon... if this is the case, expect The Daily Lifeku to come back in full swing. If The Daily Lifeku doesn't come back in full swing, you can assume that the French internet gods are punishing me...

In the meantime, this is for you, underappreciated Loreal commercial guy:

Undervalued guy
Don't you just wish they could see
How much you're worth it?

Saturday, June 20

As I am visiting Moomie, I have internet access for a few days and thought I would provide you with a couple lifekus to keep you going. If I knew when I would have internet, I wouldn't be living in France... so as far as "the return" is concerned, I can make no promises... but in the meantime, this goes out to all of you providing too much information:

Yes, you just farted
I didn't need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Friday, May 29

This lifeku is dedicated to the fact that I will be sans internet for at least 10 days as I leave crap internet provider in the dust to switch to SFR Neuf...

Orange Internet
Your service is a big joke
I hope you all die.

Thursday, May 21

This one goes out to every "young person" who thinks that user edited encyclopedic content serves as undisputed fact:

Generation “Net”
Stop quoting all your facts from
Wikipedia

Sunday Poll: April 26

My Facebook Status

Wednesday, April 8: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Alfonso, who responded to my personal request for lifekus inspired by life with no internet:

Internet go boom
1991 again
Where's my Sonic Youth?

Monday, March 30

Hello. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. I'm going to need you to watch this super awesome video that I stumbled upon immediately. Yes, immediately, as in RIGHT NOW. It is full of information that you simply cannot live without.



Wasn't that amazing? Don't you feel as though someone turned a light on in the pit of darkness in which we've been living? Duh. Lies. [scoffs at science to self] First of all, I'd like to know who taught this man to speak, because that was a mistake. I'm going to assume it was his mother, who was also apparently responsible for teaching him biology... which we just saw did not turn out so well. And I thought public schools in the States were bad... Regardless of whoever taught him evangelical gibberish in place of the laws of physics, this man sounds so freaking retarded that I almost feel sorry for him. "Explosions kill people." [sigh]

Good job home-schooling
Dang fancy telescopes duh
So-called gravity

Sunday Poll: March 22

Life without internet...

Wednesday, March 18: Reader Submission

Today's Reader Submission comes from Laurie, who makes an extremely valid point about too much information in cyberspace. I try to limit the info about myself on the net, for example I only allow photos where I look good. All others must be immediately untagged and deleted. But, I digresss... some people feel the need to put everything online, from the details of their break-up or the famed "it's complicated" Facebook relationship status to photos of themselves drunk and wasted in compromising positions. People, it's just not necessary. Laurie explains:

"Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm the only person left who doesn't feel the need to plaster my entire personal life, interests and every event I attend all over the internet. I hate going online and knowing every little detail about people I barely know or care about. Maybe if they were mildly entertaining, it would be less annoying."

Self-centered a-hole
I don't care about your life
You are so boring

Stranger don't tell me
About last night or your job
Makes me feel creepy



*Do you have a lifeku about something that annoys you? Send it to dailylifeku@gmail.com!

Tuesday, March 17

I just spent one full week with no internet. Zero. None. Zilch. I basically wanted to die. My internet stopped working one day, at which point I made a phone call (which I then did not know would precede many, many other phone calls) to my internet service provider, which would be Orange. Also known as: Quasi-Fascist-Anti-Humanitarian-Internet-Mongers. QFAHIN. Or something. First they gave me one explanation, then another, then another, then no internet and some more phone calls later, yet another. And of course none of the 15 people I spoke to actually knew what was wrong.

7 unconnected days and 100 hours of Orange's hold music later, it turns out that my account was mistakenly closed. Indefinitely. Why? Because, like a total idiot, I paid my bill online. This was obviously too much for the computers at Orange, who provide internet service I remind you, because their computers didn't take my payment into account. Wait, let me re-phrase that: Orange was more than happy to physically take the money out of my bank account, they just didn't register that they had done that, because they're awesome. So for 3 months in a row, as I was thinking how convient it was to pay my bills online, for Orange I was actually not paying. Even though they were taking my money. Really, I love France.

So how did I have to fix the situation? This is where the awesomeness reaches a whole new level, because once an account has been closed, you have to open a new one. Once this process, comparable to a root canal, has been completed it takes UP TO 15 DAYS to re-open the line. There is, of course, nothing that Orange can do about this. Obviously. Because it's not like the line was functioning a couple of days ago or anything. I began to feel like an idiot for having believed the woman who claimed to have put my file "in priority." I even had one guy who said I would receive a text message when the line was open again, and it obviously is because I am posting this right now, but I never received said mysterious text message.

Let me stop right here to handle any questions or concerns you may be having with this ridiculous situation: If you are asking yourself, "Why didn't she just get a new internet service provider instead of waiting the 15 days?" I'll explain why this is not possible. It turns out that ALL OPENINGS OF INTERNET LINES IN FRANCE TAKE UP TO 15 DAYS, no matter what company you are with. And since I had already done 5 days of waiting, I wasn't about to go back to the beginning. You feel me?

Back to resolving my situation... I called again Saturday to have an estimate of when it would come back on, where yet another idiot gave me some more useless gobbelty gook crap of an explanation equating to up to 15 days, but he did offer to give us one month of internet free. After I already paid for the month of March, which is not over by the way, and during which I did not have internet for about 10 days, in order to open the new account. It's times like this where if I didn't have social security and 8 weeks paid vacation, I would totally move back to the States just for the customer service. Anyway, this morning, when a certain someone found themselves at the house with me after a certain accident (more on that later) it seemed that the internet just HAD to work. So we called yet again. First the "service commerciale" and then of course, because one phone call is never enough, the "service technique." Finally, when I got someone who actually knows computers on the phone, we managed to figure out the problem. It turns out that my stupid livebox had reset itself, and I had actually had internet since Friday. As you can imagine, I am far too tired and frustrated to be angry about this. I was just happy when she re-sychronized and my internet magically came back. Naturally my experience inspired a lifeku or two:

French “service technique”
You do not know anything
I hate you so much

Internetless life
Ostracized empty black void
I feel so alone


Most of you have had a similar experience, send your life-without-internet haikus for dailylifeku@gmail.com for next week's Reader Submission.

Sunday Poll: March 15, 2009

Think Fast: Twitter...

Sunday Poll: March 8

Think Fast: Facebook...

Saturday, February 21

I am totally obsessed with StumbleUpon. As in, an all-consuming super unhealthy addiction to that toolbar in my Flock. For any of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is, I recommend you join immediately, so you can waste hours of your life discovering all of the crazy crap in the vast expanse that is The Internet. At first it took me a while to get to 1,000 thumbs up, but once I did it was like StumbleUpon infiltrated my brain and began only giving me stuff I like. Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up... which of course makes it even harder to turn my computer off even though I'm so tired that everything makes me giggle.

Dear StumbleUpon
You’re sucking away my life
But I still can’t stop

Just one more thumbs up
Then I’ll really go to sleep
My eyes are burning

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)

Thursday, January 29

I'm sure that certain half-Korean people will think that this lifeku is aimed directly at them, but in fact it has nothing to do with anyone I know. I stumbled upon it by chance (we will discuss my stumbling problem at a later date) and almost peed my pants. You can check the article here.

Hardcore, I think not
Korean Special Warfare
Command. Gay, maybe?

Wednesday, January 21: Reader Submission

If you still haven't joined The Daily Lifeku's Facebook group, you're obviously a douche and there's not a whole lot that I can do for you. Today's reader submissions come from The Wall, these two in particular made me chuckle:

From Barry:

Login incorrect
Only perfect spellers may
enter the system

From Eura:

Walks in the city
At night, shady walk, gangsters,
Oh s**t, where's the car?

Sunday Poll: January 18

Think Fast: The Internet

Tuesday, December 23

Today I submit for your review yet another absurdly amusing but still kind of sad and very real Datepad.com message, sent in from a lovely reader from L.A. who wishes to remain anonymous in her dating debacles. For those of you who are not familiar with Datepad, it's not unlike Match or Meetic (in France) except that it sports the super awesome slogan "The Law of Attraction in Action." Sweet:

Hey there, what's up? Excuse my malapropos overture because I'm not yet "au courant" with the proper cyber protocol on how to approach girls....Nevertheless, It's impervious of my character not to take time out and adulate you on how beautiful I think you are. Besides, I'd really surmise that there's something terribly wrong with me or daftly suspicious if I didn't...CUZ OMG!! GODDAMN BABY CAKES YOU ARE ON FIREEE!! LOL, now I'm extremely confident that a lady of your caliber gets really tired of hearing that again and again. But I discern that "its not what you say, but how you say it". Furthermore, I can conjecture you probably have like a bajillion emails to read so I'll keep this "petit." If I've left anything out on my profile, please feel free to ask because any inquiry from you is welcome...LOL. Who knows, maybe we'll get the fortuity to confabulate some time? It's been a pleasure...
Happy Holidays
Arrivederci


Where do I begin? The overuse of Franglais in the first sentence? Impervious of my character? Daftly Suspicious? "Conjecture" and "like" in the same sentence? I feel like I could go on for hours, but I won't. Fortuity to confabulate. Ok that was the last one.

Datepad.com Guy
Your message sounds like you just
Raped a thesaurus.