Monday, July 20

Don't bother talking
Nobody cares what you think
Captain Stooge McSlow

Tuesday, May 12

Do you ever disagree with someone about something, but somehow remain unable to tell them because they cut you off every time you open your mouth?

Loud argument guy
A discussion goes both ways
You’re talking at me

Friday, May 8

Gobbelty gook man
Nobody understands you
Try using real words

Friday, April 10

In France, people use an exceptional amount of Franglais. This is the application of English words with a French accent in the middle of a French sentence. An example of this could be, "J'ai un super feeling avec les animaux" which means "I have a great feeling with animals." However, "I have a great feeling with animals" doesn't really mean the same thing in English, so this sentence could more appropriately be translated, "I get along well with animals." Another example of this Franglais can be noticed in the overusage of the word "hardcore" as in sentences like, "Putain, c'est trop hardcore" (meaning, "Sh** that's really hardcore). The French LOVE this word and will use it as often as possible.

When speaking Franglais, for some reason the speaker feels compelled to refer to everything in the plural such as un cookies, un muffins, or une chips (a cookies, a muffins, and a chips, respectively.) I've tried to explain that cookies can never be one, the "s" means by default there are at least 2, but they don't care. Now, having explained this Franglais business, I present for your approval the most bizarre of all Franglais mistakes:


That's right. Donut's. There not just inappropriately plural, they're possessive. These donut's own something and they're not letting go. Which brings us to:

Possessive donuts
You are not the boss of me
Let me live my life

Saturday, April 4

Pretentious lady
Take your nose out of the air
When you talk to me

Saturday, March 14

When I was living in Brooklyn, I definitely developed a toilet mouth. At the time it seemed totally natural and appropriate, but since I've been living in France I find that people don't understand what your saying if every other word you drop the f-bomb before saying you think so and so's face is totally jacked. Since I have gone back to speaking real English, I find the potty mouth less and less attractive, along with the girls attached to them:

Hey toilet mouth girl
Calling me names doesn’t change
Your being ugly

Thursday, February 5

I live in France, so I have become accustomed to less than perfect teeth (not for myself, of course). The French don't believe that it's "healthy" to do certain things like "whiten" and "crown." They do wear braces and do root canals, which is more than I can say for the English who probably have the most fugly trifling grills I have ever seen. Ever.

When I talk to you
All I ever notice is
Your stank nasty teeth

Friday, January 23

Sometimes people assume that these haikus are about me. They're not, they're about life in general, hence the name "life-ku." Actually, sometimes I totally write them about you. Yes, you.

How would you like it
If I told them all about
Your incontinence

Thursday, January 22

Today's lifeku is about a subject that has long since annoyed me... Namely the gross misusage of the English language. I could go off on a rant about the French and how it's impossible to order "one cookies" but I'll save that for later and instead focus on the myriad of idiots that you and I both went to high school with:

Suburban slang kid
Conversate is not a word
Edumacation

PS: For those of you who are stupid idiots just waiting to tell me "misusage" isn't a word, you can check the dictionary definition right here. Snap.

Monday, January 19

Have you ever been in the middle of a "conversation" with someone who just drones on and one, flapping their gums, not even once noticing that you have tried to open your mouth on multiple occasions? Blah blah blah blah blah about their parents, boyfriend/girlfriend, work, bodily functions, last vacation, political opinions... sometimes I like to remind people that I just don't care, but there's no way they can hear me if they are still talking.

Conversation hog
When you talk I wonder if
You’ll ever shut up

Saturday, January 10

Today's lifeku was inspired by myself as an adolescent, my friends as adolescents, adolescents in general, and basically every adolescent I have ever known. From that time when it's embarrassing if your parents speak, no one understands you, everyone is ruining your life, and of course my personal favorite, your life is over. Why don't you just go slam the door to your room and cry about it?

Monosyllabic
Teenage communication
Like cool, whatever

Saturday, January 3

Since I've been back in the States for the holiday shopping massacre and what not, I have noticed that the quantity of people have conversations with themselves is multiplying at an exponential rate. We've already discussed how stupid you look, and New Year's is the perfect time to make a change for the better:

Resolution 2
I will not talk so loudly
With my bluetooth on

Monday, December 8

Sometimes, but not very often, I feel a little bit bad for men. In general. They never really seem to know what's going on and those blank, confused stares often give me the urge to let them in on a little universal truth:

Hey, all men: newsflash
Sometimes we start fights with you
Just because we can.

Friday, November 21

I've always had an issue with personal space... even more so since I've been living in Europe. The French have no concept whatsoever when it comes to personal space in lines, stores, or trains and are perfectly content to thrust their bodies up against you in the hopes of somehow speeding up the process of whatever it is you're doing. It is possible to avoid this up close and personal contact by be increasing body position creativity; for example, if you stand sideways in a line with one foot jutting out, the person behind you can't realistically go past your foot without looking like they're trying to bump n' grind. Unfortunately, this technique doesn't ever work for the dreaded close talker. You know, the one who leans forward a little more every time you lean back so that you are forced to bend your body like one of those Japanese contortionists at Cirque de Soleil?

You there in my face
No one likes a close talker
You need a breath mint

Monday, November 3

I love how when people have been drinking they suddenly assume that you have become deaf. And possibly 2 feet further away than you really are:

Boisterous loud man
I’m standing right next to you
You don’t have to yell

Saturday, November 1

This one goes out to all of you (mostly men, but some of you vaginal species are in there too) who are missing the Brain-To-Mouth-Filter. What is that? It's the filter that stops idiotic sentences from spewing out your mouth the moment you think them. The filter that nudges you with a little, "Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that." Ahhh, yes that filter. The one that so many of you seem to be missing:

Inappropriate
Guy, can you ever control
Your big fat loud mouth?

Wednesday, October 1

Don't you ever want
To just vomit on someone
Right in mid-sentence?

Saturday, September 27

This one's dedicated to every single one of you walking around looking like you're having a conversation with yourself:


Hey suit over there
With a blue tooth stuck to your
Face, you look stupid

UPDATE: I'm not the only one who thinks you're stupid. Check out this post over at Indexed to see a diagram.

Friday, September 12

Loud angry woman
With your cell phone on the train
Shut up, I hate you