Friday, July 24

Suburbanite chick
Your Lexus is in my space
Can you pick a lane??

Monday, July 13

Today's lifeku goes out to all of the ladies that I smell way too much on the morning metro:

Parisian Women
Lay off the Angel*
You all smell like barf

*please note that Angel is a perfume intended to smell like chocolate, but more closely resembles rotting stomach lining.

Saturday, July 11

Just because it's summer, doesn't mean you have to let it all hang out:

Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears

Friday, June 5

Unflattering dress
Hugs the wrong places like an
Aquatic mammal

Saturday, April 4

Pretentious lady
Take your nose out of the air
When you talk to me

Friday, March 27

I'm sure you've all heard the interesting story of the Siberian woman who invited her friend out for a lovely evening, only to finish it by killing and eating her:

You thought we were friends
Girls night out really ends with
Cannibalism

Monday, March 23

Anyone who's anyone knows that a new cycle of America's Next Top Model has begun. Or maybe I should say that anyone who knows me knows that ANTM is my ultimate guilty pleasure - I can't miss an episode, get strangely emotionally involved, and become totally obsessed. This is the 12th year in a row. The best part is, I have no shame about it... abslutely zero. I read 5 books a month (and not by authors like John Grisham), speak another language, and do grammar exercises for fun, so I definitely deserve to enjoy watching girls cat-fight it out for a modeling career that we all know will never go past My Year As A Cover Girl. If you have ever actually watched ANTM, then you would know that it's the 40 most entertaining minutes of your life ever, filled with tears, traumatizing make-overs, and dream crushing goodness.... So in honor of my not-so-shameful love for Tyra:

ANTM girls
Who’s gonna cry first this time?
Oh no, not my hair

Monday, March 16

I was yet again spending a relaxing Saturday morning with my new amazing boyfriend, StumbleUpon Toolbar. It's the best relationship I've ever had... he always has something interesting to say and he listens to my wants and needs. Anyway, I came across this article about the "male girdle" and found myself facing the difficult physical challenge of not throwing up in my mouth while laughing so hard I cry. It's supposed to be the equivalent of Spanx but for men with beer guts... the article goes on to explain the woes of men under the pressure to succeed in bed and at work, and how they deserve "the same products that women have had for years to make [them] feel better."

Oh boo hoo. I feel so sorry for you, men, because you don't have your own line of concealer and cellulite-disguising panty hose. Wait a minute, no I don't, because most of you still manage to get laid on a regular basis, even married, whereas nobody wants to do the nasty with a woman sporting a moustache. That's right, I said it. Women go through all of this preparation crap because men won't sleep with us if we don't. They are revolted by that which naturally occurs on our bodies. However, a fugly ass "man" with a "great personality" or a "sense of humor" will always end up with a woman who is too good for him but has surprisingly low self-esteem. That's the way it is. Think about how men become distinguished with grey hair but a woman who wants to keep the door rotating better run out for a box of Nice and Easy ASAP before people start asking her if she's a grandmother yet.

What is my point? My point is this: after years of shaving, waxing, exfoliating, buffing, smoothing, moisturizing, plucking, powdering, blow drying, and many other verbs ending in -ing, we have earned the right to judge you if you take longer than us to get ready. Your unrealistic vision of us automatically gives us twice the time in the bathroom (or more) with no justification what-so-ever, so when you start buffing and plucking and smoothing we start wondering if you're thinking about switching teams. Men, you want real women? Then don't be surprised when we want real men.

Metrosexual
Long prep time isn’t sexy
Take off the mirdle

Saturday, March 14

When I was living in Brooklyn, I definitely developed a toilet mouth. At the time it seemed totally natural and appropriate, but since I've been living in France I find that people don't understand what your saying if every other word you drop the f-bomb before saying you think so and so's face is totally jacked. Since I have gone back to speaking real English, I find the potty mouth less and less attractive, along with the girls attached to them:

Hey toilet mouth girl
Calling me names doesn’t change
Your being ugly

Wednesday, March 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Spencer who had to speak out, "in response to the alarming trend of sorority girls thinking that leggings constitute as appropriate bottom-wear." That's right, ladies, leggings do not replace pants and I must admit that I totally agree on Spencer with this one. He even included some helpful websites that explain why leggings and tights do not replace the need to get dressed:

Leggings but no pants.
Dear little sorostitute:
We all see your butt.




Tightsarenotpants.com
Dumbest Fashion Statements Ever
Leggings are not pants

Saturday, February 28

Self-preservation
I will probably kill you
For those shoes on sale

Monday, February 16

After our Valentine's Day love fest, I couldn't help but to stop and think of those desperately in need. Of sex. That's right, you know who I am talking about: A customer service rep, the woman at the French Embassy, that creepy sales guy at Best Buy - none of them have gotten any since the 70's and oh does it show. Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who really, really need to get laid so you can drop the raunchy attitude:

Grumpy old lady
Did you forget about sex?
You really need some

Grumpier old man
Let me introduce you to
Grumpy old lady

Valentine's Day Haiku Grande Finale

Maureen and I had originally prepared some lifekus for the Valentine's Day Grande Finale, which would obviously be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:

Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.

Here, have a look:Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:

Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out

and of course, Part II:

Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 3

Often times we “present” the version of ourselves that we think the opposite sex will find most attractive. The problem with this is that it’s extremely difficult to keep the act going once you start spending a certain amount of time with a person. Have you ever made a shocking or uber gross discovery about the one you were making the makey with? Yes, making the makey.

At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2

Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:

Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 1

In honor of the most hated Hallmark holiday, we here at The Daily Lifeku are kicking off a week long extravaganza dedicated to Valentine's Day debacles and retarded love. Today’s lifeku goes out to everyone who thought they had found “the one” only to find out two or three months later that “the one” was in fact a total “nut job.”

You were perfection
Then you wore my underwear
Super crazy guy

Tuesday, February 3

This lifeku originally applied to my father, who can explain Stephan Hawking's "A Breif History of Time" to an 8 year old and calculate 246 x 5348 in his head, but who cannot walk in a straight line. With age and experience, I have concluded that this is not just my father, but in fact an entire sector of the population. Apparently, a whole freaking lot of you can't walk in a straight line. When I am walking down the street, in the metro, even at the airport I always like to play a little game where I follow the yellow line... do I think I am in the Wizard of Oz? Maybe, but that's not important right now. What is important is the number of people walking in S formation, who have the balls to bump into me and give me this look that says: "Can't you see I have no equilibrium? It's totally your responsibility to get out of my way." Um, no it's not.

Unbalanced woman
You push me because you walk
Diagonally

Monday, February 2

I often say that I should have been a lesbian, but the truth is that I love men. Yes, I said it. What I don't love are men's habits... such as using my nail clippers as some sort of utility tool or washing their hair in the sink when there's totally a detachable shower head that is much easier to use. Oh, men, I never understand you. The best part is: a man will be totally grossed out if you forget to pluck the wrong hair or accidentally reveal that you too have human bodily functions, but the same man will wear the same t-shirt for 10 days and clean the dishes only when there are none left. I once knew a guy who's sink was home to a thriving civilization of maggots. They were evolving, approaching a golden age... I swear I saw them using tools...

Men who live with us
The food you leave out spawns life
Decontaminate

Saturday, January 31

Have you ever been driving down the road only to have a Cadillac cut in front of you and slow down to 7 mph? You squint, looking closer, trying to identify this infuriating person in front of you, but all you see are two sets of knuckles on the wheel... and you know. You know that you are officially trapped behind a senior citizen, not unlike your grandmother, and you must wait there because nobody can make an old person do something they don't want to do. That's a fact. Look it up. If you honk or tailgate, you're a bully. Nobody wants to be deemed "old lady bully" like that kid who mugged Rosa Parks. Do you think he ever lived that down? I doubt it.

Old lady driving
See that pedal on the right?
Accelerator

Saturday, January 17

I'm all for fashion... I love clothes and shoes and bags because I have a vagina. That's right. Sometimes, things that look really good are in fact totally impractical, like shoes that eat your feet, dresses you can't sit down in, those 70's pants that totally ride up your crotch... but somewhere, somehow, you can deal as long as you are causing your own discomfort. What is totally uncalled for, ladies, is my being accosted by your obnoxiously large and voluminous "ensemble."

Kimono sleeve dress
I don’t need to eat fabric
Control your wide arms