Thursday, July 23

Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants

Friday, July 17

Pedophile priest
You think your self-flogging
Makes it all better?

Wednesday, July 15: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Noelle, who will now probably think twice before reaching out to touch somebody:

"A long time ago, I went to the beach with my grandparents. We went to a reptile zoo and I left them to go use the restroom. When I came out, I noticed my grandfather leaning against the railing, so I decided to surprise him with a sudden hug. After I'd successfully wrapped my skinny little arms around him, he turned around with a look of shock on his face, and that's when I realized something. I'd hugged a complete stranger who didn't even remotely look like my grandfather."

Random old stranger:
sorry for the weird hug, man.
I bet you liked it.

Tuesday, May 19

I recently stumbled across this article about a super awesome van offering every parents nightmare: free candy. After a lot of freaking out and a police investigation, it turns out that this pedophilic parents' nightmare was in fact a prank being played by who else: college kids. Ahhh those crazy college kids...


Hey little children
Let's have some fun in my van!
I've got free candy

Saturday, May 2

Loud party goers
My house is not a night club
Pump down the volume

Monday, April 27

In the past year or so, my neighborhood has transformed into an ultra young super hip uber trendy hangout spot... especially for teenagers. Everyday when I go downstairs I find them in flocks and clusters giggling and flirting, with one or two stragglers that move between groups. Everyday I see their side-swept bangs which would more accurately be described as giant comb-overs and everyday I watch them send text messages to their friends who are standing but 20 feet away. And everyday, as it gets warmer, a rise in degree in temperature results in an inch rise of the skirt hem... it's not even "hot" yet and I am already seeing butt cheeks peeking out so I can only imagine what's going to happen when it's 90 degrees and humid outside. Maybe they just won't wear bottoms. At all. Then they can text about it. Sweet.

Trampy tween outside
Pulling up one's skirt so high
Gives out the goodies

Monday, April 13

This is a Chateau. A French Chateau. A French Chateau where I just spent the night for the wedding of a friend, during which all sorts of shenanigans took place. Some of these shenanigans were fun, some were dangerous, and some were just plain inappropriate.

When you are staying in a chateau with 100 wedding guests, including the majority of your friends, you don't necessarily tell yourself that you need to sleep with the door locked... and you are making a terrible mistake. Because it's possible that you will be awoken at 6:30 in the morning by 30 people singing and chanting in your room, including some random guy you've never seen playing a guitar in the corner. These people might yell at you, taunt you, make several failed attempts to expose your naked body from under the covers... and you may choose not to speak to them for a little while....


Drunk thirty-somethings
Champagne to the sleeping face
Inappropriate

Friday, March 27

I'm sure you've all heard the interesting story of the Siberian woman who invited her friend out for a lovely evening, only to finish it by killing and eating her:

You thought we were friends
Girls night out really ends with
Cannibalism

Wednesday, March 18: Reader Submission

Today's Reader Submission comes from Laurie, who makes an extremely valid point about too much information in cyberspace. I try to limit the info about myself on the net, for example I only allow photos where I look good. All others must be immediately untagged and deleted. But, I digresss... some people feel the need to put everything online, from the details of their break-up or the famed "it's complicated" Facebook relationship status to photos of themselves drunk and wasted in compromising positions. People, it's just not necessary. Laurie explains:

"Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm the only person left who doesn't feel the need to plaster my entire personal life, interests and every event I attend all over the internet. I hate going online and knowing every little detail about people I barely know or care about. Maybe if they were mildly entertaining, it would be less annoying."

Self-centered a-hole
I don't care about your life
You are so boring

Stranger don't tell me
About last night or your job
Makes me feel creepy



*Do you have a lifeku about something that annoys you? Send it to dailylifeku@gmail.com!

Saturday, March 14

When I was living in Brooklyn, I definitely developed a toilet mouth. At the time it seemed totally natural and appropriate, but since I've been living in France I find that people don't understand what your saying if every other word you drop the f-bomb before saying you think so and so's face is totally jacked. Since I have gone back to speaking real English, I find the potty mouth less and less attractive, along with the girls attached to them:

Hey toilet mouth girl
Calling me names doesn’t change
Your being ugly

Thursday, March 12

Have you ever had someone staying with you who made themselves just a little bit too much at home? As in, to the point where it becomes totally invasive? Couch crashers of the world: when we say, "make yourself at home" we don't mean it literally, so please pick up your wet underwear. And don't tell us why your underwear is wet, because we don't want to know.

Intrusive house guest
Do not make yourself at home
I want you to leave

Wednesday, March 11: Reader Submission

This week's reader submission comes from Fern, who tells us about the creative and resourceful methods her brother used to torture her growing up:

Dear older brother
Please stop farting in my mouth
Humiliation

Friday, January 9

It's time to wrap up our resolution extravaganza with one final goodbye. We present to you, Resolution 6. We would have done a 7, but everyone knows that, like God, The Daily Lifeku rests on the seventh day.

Sometimes you guys start to get really comfortable at our parents' house. Like extra special super duper comfortable and your inner "manly man" starts to seep out as each layer of Degree dissolves from your sweaty pit. The following are NOT acceptable at our parents' house: entering kitchen with pants not fully closed, entering kitchen without proper butt covering for that matter, leaving bite marks in "common foods" such as cheese, drinking out of the carton, "displaying" your dirty sweat socks by laying them out on the hardwood floor, or showing my mom how loud you can belch.

Resolution 6
Will not act like homeless bum
At mother-in-laws

Tuesday, January 6

For those of you turning 18 this year, the freedom is so close you can almost taste it. For those of you turning 30 and up, you are facing the unpleasant realization that it's time to go out into that great wide open and finally take care of yourself, you lazy slacker. In fact, your parents told me that you have until the end of this week to get your crap out so they can turn the basement room into that home gym they've always wanted:

Resolution 4
I will leave my parents house
Emancipation

Merry Commercial Gift Giving Day

A very happy holidays to everyone from The Daily Lifeku:

Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents


Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents

Friday, December 19

Sometimes, people piss you off. So you do things, like send pizzas to their house or sign them up for email newsletters. Or other things...

When you were asleep
I farted right in your face
So who’s the man now?

Tuesday, December 16

Sometimes I don't fell like doing a long introduction, especially when the lifeku is self-explanatory. This may or may not be one of those times.

Curious monkey
Those are my private places
Get your hands off now

Monday, December 15

The holidays remind me of so many things: how much I hate Tysons Corner and teenagers who drive, my grandmother's sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows that I avoid like the plague, the Chinese restaurants that never close, the Christmas crowd at Clyde's... It's so much nostalgia that I don't know what to do to myself. Then, of course, there's always the "Company Christmas Party" that you have to factor in. It doesn't even matter if you work at a company, because chances are you know someone who does and you'll have to be their plus 1 anyway. The Company Christmas Party is one of those rare occasions where you are forced to see your asexual and self-deemed completely uninteresting colleagues in a non-work context, freed from their cubicle existence. This means that you will have to acknowledge their significant others, hobbies, possibly children, and of course, flagrant drinking problems:

One too many girl
You smell like a brewery
You’re starting to slur

Saturday, December 6

When I was a kid, I used to travel a lot. My parents would send me to visit my aunts and uncles in France and Israel all by my little ole self starting at the rip young age of 10. I felt so grown up, traveling all by myself... [insert nostalgic sigh] of course this is when airline tickets didn't mean selling your first born child for a trip to Europe. It was also when you could smoke on planes, and by 13 I sure was taking advantage of that "international waters" situation with my pack of Marlboro menthols. Eww. Anyway, I used to always get bumped up, or "upgraded" in fancy speak, because I was traveling by myself and couples or families wanted to sit together. Yet again, speaking of once upon a time, back then a lot less airplanes had business class so I frequently found myself sipping champagne in First Class, baby. Oh yeah. Seriously, on like 12 international flights, I got bumped up to first like 8 times. That's a lot for a kid. That's not the point. The point is that ths doesn't ever happen to me anymore, probably because I am an adult now plus nobody on an airplane gets bumped to first anymore. Especially not with that Economy Plus crap which is like in between coach and business. Don't even get me started on that. Back to the point, if I do ever happen to have enough miles to get myself upgraded to Business, I mostly certainly do not want to encounter the most dreaded of all airline passengers: The Drunk Person Across The Aisle. This is the worst possible of all "characters" one can meet during air travel. This person began drinking before they got on board, kept drinking as soon as they offered free champagne, continued with the movie, and basically won't stop until they begin vomiting. And all I want to do is kill them. I once had one guy who sang with his earphones on from Shanghai to Paris but I don't really remember it because of the rage blackout.

Drunk man on the plane
I don’t need to hear you sing
Vomit quietly

Sunday Poll: November 30

Think Fast: The Word "Panties"