Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27: Reader Submission
This weeks reader submission comes from Nancy, wgo tells us about her debacle in The Dam:
When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:
Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.
In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.
When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:
Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.
In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.
Tuesday, April 21
I was stumbling my life away, as usual, when I came across this interesting story of a Norweigan- highway-sex-crash, which seems rather adventurous... but then again I suppose there's not that much to do in Norway in winter without freezing your face off, so people probably need to create some action for themselves.
Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact
Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact
Tuesday, March 24
Sometimes, as women, we face difficult situations... like when your girlfriends are significantly hotter than your guy friends, but your guy friends haven't quite registered that fact and still think they have a shot at some action. Luckily, I have prepared a lifeku for moments such as these:
Drunk guy-friend of mine
You get no love from my girl
Stop hitting on her
Drunk guy-friend of mine
You get no love from my girl
Stop hitting on her
Monday, February 16
After our Valentine's Day love fest, I couldn't help but to stop and think of those desperately in need. Of sex. That's right, you know who I am talking about: A customer service rep, the woman at the French Embassy, that creepy sales guy at Best Buy - none of them have gotten any since the 70's and oh does it show. Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who really, really need to get laid so you can drop the raunchy attitude:
Grumpy old lady
Did you forget about sex?
You really need some
Grumpier old man
Let me introduce you to
Grumpy old lady
Grumpy old lady
Did you forget about sex?
You really need some
Grumpier old man
Let me introduce you to
Grumpy old lady
Valentine's Day Haiku Grande Finale
Maureen and I had originally prepared some lifekus for the Valentine's Day Grande Finale, which would obviously
be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:
Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.
Here, have a look:
Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:
Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out
and of course, Part II:
Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life
be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.
Here, have a look:
Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out
and of course, Part II:
Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life
Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 3
Often times we “present” the version of ourselves that we think the opposite sex will find most attractive. The problem with this is that it’s extremely difficult to keep the act going once you start spending a certain amount of time with a person. Have you ever made a shocking or uber gross discovery about the one you were making the makey with? Yes, making the makey.
At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose
At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose
Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2
Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:
Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month
Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month
Thursday, January 8
Today's relifesolutionku goes out to my boys at Post Rejects, the funniest blog on the web besides this one. Seriously, if you don't read Post Rejects, you should. Immediately.
Resolution 5
I will not masterbate to
Those damn hot puffins
Resolution 5
I will not masterbate to
Those damn hot puffins
Monday, January 5
Resolutions continue! Let's start off the week with a deep clean feeling, that inner freshness that can only come from knowing he took his Valtrex:
Resolution 3
Procrastinate no longer
Take care of herpes
Resolution 3
Procrastinate no longer
Take care of herpes
Happy 2009!!
Happy New Year everybody! Let's begin 2009 with a very large bottle of water, and possibly some Gatorade and saltines from some... In honor of the most drunken night of the year, Maureen and I have put together a little trio of lifekus covering most possible New Year's situations. If we left out something that applies to you, write your own lifeku because we're hungover:
For those who didn't get any:
New Year's Eve Party
Alcohol-induced coma
I thought I'd get laid
For those who got some:
Where did you come from?
You looked much better last night
Stupid beer goggles
For those who don't remember:
The toilet's taken
So I decided to just
Puke in the shower
For those who didn't get any:
New Year's Eve Party
Alcohol-induced coma
I thought I'd get laid
For those who got some:
Where did you come from?
You looked much better last night
Stupid beer goggles
For those who don't remember:
The toilet's taken
So I decided to just
Puke in the shower
Thursday, December 11
I'm in a giving mood, it must be the holiday season. I am feeling generous enough to let the men of the world in on another secret: You know how we say it's no big deal? We're lying.
Remember the time
You said it was just this once?
Inadequacy
Remember the time
You said it was just this once?
Inadequacy
Wednesday, November 19
I have recently stopped listening to music in the metro and taken up reading a book so that I can be more "aware" of what's going on around me, like the creepy dude in the corner whispering vulgarities in my direction. Before, I just didn't hear him, whereas now, I consciously ignore him. It's totally different, I assure you.
Homeless man in the
Metro, playing with yourself
Back away from me
Homeless man in the
Metro, playing with yourself
Back away from me
Poll: Homeless people usually
Tuesday, October 21
Single ladies everywhere, you know where I'm coming from. That cute guy from the club would actually really dig it if you would toss his salad while he wears your panties. You nod and smile; thinking that if you can just make it to the kitchen, you can get the hell out of there before he ever knows what happened:
Weird fantasy guy
There’s no way I’m wearing that
Get out of my house
Weird fantasy guy
There’s no way I’m wearing that
Get out of my house
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