What is a lifeku?

A lifeku is a haiku about daily life. For those who are unfamiliar with haiku, it is a form of Japanese poetry usually about nature, "profound," and formatted in 3 lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and 5 syllables. Feel free to check out some famous haikus if you still don't get it.

Comment. It'll make the popular kids like you.

Tuesday, December 9

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Today's lifeku has nothing to do with Paris, but instead concerns driving in the States. Before I moved to France, I grew up in DC and spent four years living in Brooklyn which means I had my share of road rage moments. Now I take the metro everywhere and no longer have to deal with idiots tail gaiting me for 20 minutes because I didn't see them when I merged, but I do get a fresh dose of murderous hysteria whenever I talk to Maureen on the phone. Our conversations go something like this:

D: "Hey, what's up?"

M: "Nothing, just running some stupid errands. What are you doing?"

D: "Not much, eating chocolate... wasting my life away on Stumble Upon."

M: "I know, Stumble Upon is so - HEY YOU IDIOT GET THE F*** OUT OF MY WAY JEEZE!"

D: "Huh?"


M: "Sorry about that, people are so retarded. I SAID NO I AM NOT LETTING YOU TURN LEFT!!!! IF YOU WANTED TO TURN LEFT YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE LEFT TURN LANE YOU JACKASS!!"

D: "Are you at Tysons Corner?"

M: "Route 7" [10 second horn honk] "NO, NO, F*** YOU I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!"

D: "Road rage much?"

M: "I know, but it's not my fault that everyone is stup--- [interruped by extremely long horn honk]"


and the conversation continues in that matter for a few minutes until I get tired of hearing Maureen's "angry voice" and I hang up the phone so she can yell. This one is dedicated to my Twin Flame and the person she hates the most on on the road:

Car blocking the box
I’m imagining your death
You selfish ass wipe

6 Comments:

Maureen said...

Awww...Thank you, that does sound like me. Of course, with lots of pointing involved. To make myself feel better, my rage only develops around idiots that are doing something stupid at around 5mph, and not on the highway where it could be super dangerous (you know how some assholes in this area like to tailgate).

And I mean, JESUS, some people really do not know how to drive. Seriously. Haven't you ever seen someone miss an exit on the highway and then BACK UP?!?! ON THE HIGHWAY?!? I have seen that approximately 17 times in the past four months. Startling statistics, I know.

And then there is that person on my morning commute that misses the left turn into Tysons mall from 123 (you know, the turn that has the median that goes on about a mile) and thinks that because they are an idiot, and missed the turn, that the rest of us should have to sit there and wait behind their stupid asses while they put on their left turn signal - from the center lane - and then sit there. Umm...ever thought you should go to the next light and TURN AROUND?!? Great, it's not like I have anywhere important to go. You know, like WORK?!?! In fact, I like sitting behind your stupid Volvo. Yes, YOUR stupid Volvo, DELAWARE!!

If that's you and you're reading this you better hope I'm not sitting right behind you because my hand is on my horn and I'm ready to blow. Why don't you just stop before you start. And I'm done. Thanks Rach, I feel myself getting angry before I've even finished my coffee.

Daughter said...

Um, yeah, I'm thinking you could start your own blog called "Mo's Road Rage Rants."

As I was reading I was imagining your face turning red with your index finger brushing ever so lightly against the windshield while you repeat "You! You!" to yourself.

Honestly, you terrify me sometimes.

But seriously, I do want to kill the Tysons Left Turners. Maybe we should make a giant sign that says, "You can turn left at the next light, too" and attach it one of the poles...

Moses...I mean The Gerald said...

Well, what pisses me off the most about traffic around the Northern Virginia. D.C. Metropolitan area is that people OBVIOUSLY don't realize it's me coming most of the time as I try to maneuver myself through this swamp-like traffic that occurs every weekday from 3PM-7PM, or anytime someone has a flat tire on the side of the road (rubber-neckers should be shot...). Don't they know that it is I, The Gerald? All drivers in traffic that effects me should maneuver themselves to accomodate my travel... The highways should part like the Red Sea did for Moses! Or else I will have to have a talk with my little friend, The Burning Bush, and maybe I'll come back with a new set of rules that all of society will base their entire governments, beliefs, livelihoods, values, wars, etc. on. Here ye, here ye! Clear the roads, The Gerald is coming through!

Daughter said...

1. I believe you meant, "Hear ye, hear ye"

2. I think the reason why DC is always in the top 5 for worst traffic in the country is because every other driver profoundly believes what you just said

3. So true about the rubberneckers

4. Why do you comments always prompt numbered responses?

Daughter said...

your comments. ironic moment for a typo.

Maureen said...

You know, I had a bus in Georgetown totally COMPLETELY block the box on M street when I was trying to make a left from 31st. And then at the next light another one did it too. I'm getting angry thinking about it now and it was almost 3 years ago.