Wednesday, February 25: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Steph, who was kind enough to create a Kissing Medley for us:

Hispanic boyfriend
Sexy when you act ghetto
You give me street cred.

Badass redneck boy
Tongue piercing and hot tattoos
Why can’t you kiss well?

Stoners cannot kiss
Move your lips around, dumbass
This is not a bowl

Monday, February 23

I was yet again stumbling my youth away the other day when I came across this incredibly bizarre, creepy, and downright disturbing story of a wife who found a way to hold on to her husband FOREVER. She commissioned the most frighteningly stalkerish statue ever for his tombstone so that she could desperately cling to him for the rest of eternity. Talk about attached. You can see the other photos and read about it here. If that isn't unhealthy, I don't think I know what it...



Co-dependency
If you ever try to leave
I will be your grave.

Sunday Poll: February 15

I spent this Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day Haiku Grande Finale

Maureen and I had originally prepared some lifekus for the Valentine's Day Grande Finale, which would obviously be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:

Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.

Here, have a look:Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:

Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out

and of course, Part II:

Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 4

Do you have an ex that you hate so much that you wish them pain and suffering for the rest of his (or her) life? If you said "no" you're obviously a big fat liar because we all do. Today's lifeku is for those times when you just need to know that he's alone, unhappy, and hopefully crying softly to himself in a corner somewhere. Ahhh.... good stuff.

Ha ha ex-boyfriend
I know you are still single
I facebook stalked you.

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 3

Often times we “present” the version of ourselves that we think the opposite sex will find most attractive. The problem with this is that it’s extremely difficult to keep the act going once you start spending a certain amount of time with a person. Have you ever made a shocking or uber gross discovery about the one you were making the makey with? Yes, making the makey.

At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2

Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:

Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 1

In honor of the most hated Hallmark holiday, we here at The Daily Lifeku are kicking off a week long extravaganza dedicated to Valentine's Day debacles and retarded love. Today’s lifeku goes out to everyone who thought they had found “the one” only to find out two or three months later that “the one” was in fact a total “nut job.”

You were perfection
Then you wore my underwear
Super crazy guy

Monday, February 2

I often say that I should have been a lesbian, but the truth is that I love men. Yes, I said it. What I don't love are men's habits... such as using my nail clippers as some sort of utility tool or washing their hair in the sink when there's totally a detachable shower head that is much easier to use. Oh, men, I never understand you. The best part is: a man will be totally grossed out if you forget to pluck the wrong hair or accidentally reveal that you too have human bodily functions, but the same man will wear the same t-shirt for 10 days and clean the dishes only when there are none left. I once knew a guy who's sink was home to a thriving civilization of maggots. They were evolving, approaching a golden age... I swear I saw them using tools...

Men who live with us
The food you leave out spawns life
Decontaminate

Tuesday, December 23

Today I submit for your review yet another absurdly amusing but still kind of sad and very real Datepad.com message, sent in from a lovely reader from L.A. who wishes to remain anonymous in her dating debacles. For those of you who are not familiar with Datepad, it's not unlike Match or Meetic (in France) except that it sports the super awesome slogan "The Law of Attraction in Action." Sweet:

Hey there, what's up? Excuse my malapropos overture because I'm not yet "au courant" with the proper cyber protocol on how to approach girls....Nevertheless, It's impervious of my character not to take time out and adulate you on how beautiful I think you are. Besides, I'd really surmise that there's something terribly wrong with me or daftly suspicious if I didn't...CUZ OMG!! GODDAMN BABY CAKES YOU ARE ON FIREEE!! LOL, now I'm extremely confident that a lady of your caliber gets really tired of hearing that again and again. But I discern that "its not what you say, but how you say it". Furthermore, I can conjecture you probably have like a bajillion emails to read so I'll keep this "petit." If I've left anything out on my profile, please feel free to ask because any inquiry from you is welcome...LOL. Who knows, maybe we'll get the fortuity to confabulate some time? It's been a pleasure...
Happy Holidays
Arrivederci


Where do I begin? The overuse of Franglais in the first sentence? Impervious of my character? Daftly Suspicious? "Conjecture" and "like" in the same sentence? I feel like I could go on for hours, but I won't. Fortuity to confabulate. Ok that was the last one.

Datepad.com Guy
Your message sounds like you just
Raped a thesaurus.

Friday, December 19

Sometimes, people piss you off. So you do things, like send pizzas to their house or sign them up for email newsletters. Or other things...

When you were asleep
I farted right in your face
So who’s the man now?

Wednesday, December 17: Reader Submission

Today' we have a special treat, namely 2 reader submissions! The first comes from the lovely Megan, who is frequently accosted in public places:

Strange man in the bar
Your pick up line does not work
Get out of my face

Lifeku #2 comes from "Anonymous" with the delightful email address of "wouldntyouliketoknow@yahoo.com." For the sake of things, we'll just call him Gunther. Gunther apparently had a problem with my inadequacy lifeku probably stemming from the extremely high levels of truth. Gunther's frustration with the fact that he can't get it up has provoked him to reveal a little universal truth of his own:

Remember last night
I said you didn't look fat
In that dress? I lied.

Thursday, December 11

I'm in a giving mood, it must be the holiday season. I am feeling generous enough to let the men of the world in on another secret: You know how we say it's no big deal? We're lying.

Remember the time
You said it was just this once?
Inadequacy

Monday, December 8

Sometimes, but not very often, I feel a little bit bad for men. In general. They never really seem to know what's going on and those blank, confused stares often give me the urge to let them in on a little universal truth:

Hey, all men: newsflash
Sometimes we start fights with you
Just because we can.

Wednesday, October 22

Before I moved to Paris, land of discretion, I spent 4 years living in Brooklyn, land of whatever the opposite of discreet is. Today's lifeku is thanks to many sleepless nights of ghetto ass screaming and a particularly eerie ice cream truck that always passed at exactly 4:30 am, with the music playing mind you. I mean who eats ice cream at 4 in the morning? In January? Whatever. Here's the lifeku:

Girl yelling outside
He's not your baby's daddy
You're making a scene

Friday, October 17

Creepy stalker guy
Leaving me Facebook comments
Stop, I don't know you

Wednesday, October 8

Hysterical girl
It’s okay if he leaves you
Show some self control

Friday, October 3

The following is an ACTUAL MESSAGE received by a woman on Match.com. The sender of the following message mysteriously deleted his profile before she could tell him that he basically seemed mentally handicapped.

"hello Im Jaime I have 38 years old , I have 2 children do not live with me I work in costco department dely,Ilive in front royal I look for a good woman whom it respects and it wants to go out ahead and like the children if these interested write"

Now it's time for the Lifeku you knew was coming:

Jaime the retard
Front Royal Costco dely?
You should kill yourself

Monday, September 29

It's time to present my first two part Lifeku, inspired by singles in a technology driven modern world:

Match.com stalker
Refrain from contacting me
We have never met

Won’t leave me alone
You should have hid your email
Newsletter signup

Sunday, September 28, Part 2

Boyfriend, drunk and loud
Comes home with wasted friends, late
Will sleep on sofa