Thursday, July 23

Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants

Thursday, June 4

Havoc wreaking man
You are not a leprechaun
Mind your own business

Tuesday, June 2

You, morning person
That’s a lot of energy
Turn down the sunshine

Saturday, May 30

Street-side oddity
Use your seven-fingered hands
For carnival cash!

Thursday, May 28

Boy with chicken pox
I told you not to pick it
Now look what you’ve done

Monday, May 25

I am a dog owner and lover, that is for sure. I love those big brown puppy eyes that gaze up at you with a sweet wagging tail. I love how my puppy (I call her that even though she's 5) gets so excited every time I come home that she almost pees herself, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes.

Yes, dogs really are our best friends... but do you want to know who are not our best friends?

I'll tell you: Dog owners who for some reason believe they are exempt from "the ramassing of the merde." What am I talking about? Pick up your poop for crying out loud. I do it, so can you, it's really not that bad. See, the plastic bag serves as the appropriate buffer between the poop matter and your actual hand, but some of you don't seem to understand this concept. Some of you believe it's okay to let your dog drop one in front of me while I am drinking coffee and then just leave it there as if it were some sort of treasured gift. Newsflash: it's not a treasured gift. At all. So just bend over and pick it up like the rest of us:


Woman with toy dog
You still have to pick it up
Even if it’s small

Friday, May 22

Funk nasty smell man
Not even sure what that is
You need to rinse off

Tuesday, April 28

This morning, I was gently stalking people on Facebook, seeing what they're up to, how many pictures of their kids they've posted, drunk clubbing photos etc... and I noticed a little trend. A presence, if you will. A presence of bad spelling. Words like "suceed," "its" with no apostrophe yet still meaning "it is," "desribe," a genuine lack of understanding between "affect" and "effect," and all sorts of grammatical rapings that make it seem like someone shouldn't have graduated high school...

Facebook friend of mine
We all know you have spell check
Why don't you use it?

Thursday, April 2

Woman on diet
Exhibit some self control
Stop. Don’t break the seal

Wednesday, March 25: Reader Submission

This week's reader submission comes from Tara, who totally has a right to complain about overuse of air conditioning... even though I live in France so I don't know what that is anymore.

"I’ve been inspired by my freezing cold office building to write a few lifekus. I don’t know why the facilities people feel the need to blast the air conditioning when its 55 degrees outside…"

Dog gone management
Why must you blast the A.C.?
Hypothermia

Can’t feel my fingers
Thanks for keeping me alive
Awesome space heater

Friday, March 20

Today's lifeku goes out to someone in particular, who made not read it right away... But when you do, you know who you are:

Overgrown man-boy
Do not start fights with strangers
You’ll injure yourself

Thursday, March 19

Even though I written this lifeku a little while ago, I felt like it was appropriate to post after yesterdays Reader Submission about too much information online. Sometimes, people can be just way too open for their own good, to the point where it becomes weird and unhealthy and you really want them to just stop talking. I remember, when I first moved to France, I did a two-year make-up school in order to have a student visa. During this time, I learned how to make it look like someone took a blow-torch to your face, give perfect pin curls, and other random stuff that was pretty fun. I also had this client, a choreographer, who will remain totally namesless just in case she is still stalking me and reads this blog. She was American, from Los Angeles to be specific, and immediately took a liking to me because I was American. I met her on a DVD shoot where I was one of 3 interns for a chief make-up artist from MAC and soon after she began calling me, asking me to do her make-up privately. At some point, she began to feel a little too comfortable and started telling me all sorts of really personal details about her marriage, her reproductive organs, and the current state of her body while I would do her make-up. After a while, it escalated, and she started calling me just to talk about her problems, like I was her therapist or something. I would put the phone on speaker and set it on the table and she would just go on and on for a couple of hours. Eventually, when I started avoiding her because she weirded me out so much, she didn't take it too well. She even kept calling for a year. Now, I avoid her studio like the plague, even though it's only a couple of minutes from my apartment... which brings us to:

Hey oversharer
I didn’t need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Friday, March 13

Public bathroom guy
Maybe you should have waited...
We all just heard you

Thursday, March 12

Have you ever had someone staying with you who made themselves just a little bit too much at home? As in, to the point where it becomes totally invasive? Couch crashers of the world: when we say, "make yourself at home" we don't mean it literally, so please pick up your wet underwear. And don't tell us why your underwear is wet, because we don't want to know.

Intrusive house guest
Do not make yourself at home
I want you to leave

Friday, March 6

I feel like there are certain words that would be fun to integrate into our modern vocabulary... like whippersnapper and hootenany. Our grandparents were respectful and polite, and therefore way more creative when it came to words in general:

Older gentlemen
Please tone down the brouhaha
You might have a stroke

Wednesday, March 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Spencer who had to speak out, "in response to the alarming trend of sorority girls thinking that leggings constitute as appropriate bottom-wear." That's right, ladies, leggings do not replace pants and I must admit that I totally agree on Spencer with this one. He even included some helpful websites that explain why leggings and tights do not replace the need to get dressed:

Leggings but no pants.
Dear little sorostitute:
We all see your butt.




Tightsarenotpants.com
Dumbest Fashion Statements Ever
Leggings are not pants

Tuesday, March 3

Has anyone read those articles (or seen those stories) about hardcore video gamers that are so addicted they sit in internet cafes for days at a time, not showering and only eating ramen? They become so into the game that they do things like quit their jobs and stab each other. Today's lifeku goes out to those boys who've only known virtual relationships from the comfort of a sweat stained computer chair:

Video game guy
Put down the controller now
You’ve soiled yourself

Tuesday, February 24:

Despite the obvious dry humor of The Daily Lifeku, I am a relatively optimistic person and I have never liked a pity party. People find reasons to complain about everything when their lives really aren't that bad. I mean, seriously, my guardienne (French superintendent) washes the courtyard everyday with fresh water from the hose. She washes the ground. With clean water. There are children in Africa who would die on the spot if they saw this and this woman manages to complain about everything. Lucky for me she only speaks French and Portuguese so she won't be reading this any time soon...

Chronic complainer
At least you have arms and legs
Your face can’t be fixed

Wednesday, February 18: Reader Submission

Much to my surprise and delight, reader submissions appear to be taking place on The Wall. I check them every few days to see what people are complaining about, and I'd like to share the two that made me chuckle recently:

The first one comes from Alfonso, who makes an extremely accurate and important point that I probably should have addressed in haiku form a while ago:

Stop clipping your nails
While standing right next to me
Dangerous AND gross



The second one comes from Maureen (AKA My Favorite Person In The World!) who basically speaks my mind whenever she opens her mouth:

Dumb Solicitor
No I don't want your product
It's useless like you

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)