Friday, July 31

Sir-Complains-A-Lot
It’s could always be much worse
You could have no arms

Wednesday, July 22: Reader Submission

Today's lifeku comes from Shea, who has issues with his mother-in-law:

My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!

Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake

Tuesday, July 21

Super hot iPhone
After just a few minutes
You’re burning my face

I'm back

It appears as though I am finally back.... after what seems like years of waiting for a new internet connection. I swear, if France didn't give me 6 hour work days, 5 weeks vacation per year, and really good bread I don't know if I could handle it here without committing customer service murder. After several visits to the SFR boutique, two outbursts of crazy laughter when I just couldn't take it anymore, and mysteriously picking up my modem at a dry cleaner behind my house (don't even ask because I don't know), I now find myself reconnected.

Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:

Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??

Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent

Wednesday, June 24: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Buzz, who is quickly becoming my lifeku star:

I dropped my car off for service last week, and while they worked on it I went for a walk. I was horrified by the trash littering the side of the road. From fast food wrappers, to dirty diapers, to a plastic orange juice bottle filled with what looked like urine. Are you fucking kidding me? Where is the love for Mother Earth?? You ever see a cig smoker almost at the end of the butt, and they cup it, a secretly let it go?

Hey there cig smoker
Throwing it down discretely
You’re a litter bug!

What is that bad smell?
Ooh, baby’s made a poo-poo
Toss the diaper? Gross!

Hey there litter bug
I would love to see your home
Do you trash it too?

Saturday, May 16

I used to talk about Marie-France all of the time... a pigeon who somehow managed to find refuge in the gaps between my 300 year old walls. Marie-France would walk around cooing and strutting and doing other annoying pigeon things at all sorts of inappropriate early hours of the morning. I would be comfortable in my bed, enjoying that moment in between asleep and awake when the sheets conform to your body and are softer than they will ever be, and cluck cluck coo coo went Marie-France, waking me from my peaceful bliss. I cursed her name every morning and began considering whether or not it was worth it to punch holes in my walls to find her... and then one day, she was gone. Just like that. It was the first day I noticed that I had slept until 9:30 without interruption that I realized she was mysteriously absent, and that I was mysteriously relaxed and rested. For two years I lived in peace (obviously not counting those times when my guardienne decides 6:00 am is the perfect time to sort the glass recycling), a glorious, pigeon-free peaceful Parisian existence with baguettes and accordion music and berets and strikes. Then, last week, I was up at 6:30 making myself a cup of coffee when I heard a most unsettling scratching noise coming from behind the stove. The sound of claws against loose drywall... and then, I heard the cooing as I formed my angry fists of fury:

Pigeon in my walls
Loud early morning cooing
Murderous rage

Wednesday, March 25: Reader Submission

This week's reader submission comes from Tara, who totally has a right to complain about overuse of air conditioning... even though I live in France so I don't know what that is anymore.

"I’ve been inspired by my freezing cold office building to write a few lifekus. I don’t know why the facilities people feel the need to blast the air conditioning when its 55 degrees outside…"

Dog gone management
Why must you blast the A.C.?
Hypothermia

Can’t feel my fingers
Thanks for keeping me alive
Awesome space heater

Tuesday, March 10

Non-sharing roommate
You took so long on the can
I went on your bed

Tuesday, February 24:

Despite the obvious dry humor of The Daily Lifeku, I am a relatively optimistic person and I have never liked a pity party. People find reasons to complain about everything when their lives really aren't that bad. I mean, seriously, my guardienne (French superintendent) washes the courtyard everyday with fresh water from the hose. She washes the ground. With clean water. There are children in Africa who would die on the spot if they saw this and this woman manages to complain about everything. Lucky for me she only speaks French and Portuguese so she won't be reading this any time soon...

Chronic complainer
At least you have arms and legs
Your face can’t be fixed