What is a lifeku?

A lifeku is a haiku about daily life. For those who are unfamiliar with haiku, it is a form of Japanese poetry usually about nature, "profound," and formatted in 3 lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and 5 syllables. Feel free to check out some famous haikus if you still don't get it.

Comment. It'll make the popular kids like you.

Friday, September 11

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I love it when teens challenge you to play video games with their triumphant look that says, "I dare you. You're so old anyway it's not like you'll win." But it seems teens today have forgotten something, namely that video games STARTED WITH MY GENERATION. Technically, there was Pong even before us...

You're a sore loser
13 year-old Tetris boy
Show some Game-boy respect

Wednesday, September 9: Reader Submission

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I received this rather angry yet totally valid reader submission from Buzz, who once again called me out on being too French by "prolonging" my vacation...

You gave us a taste
Got us all addicted
And 'French-Style', you quit

You said just August
Did you lose your calendar?
It's now September

My mornings were bright
The inbox would ding with joy
Where's my Lifeku, bitch?

He speaks the truth...

I'm back

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Actually I've been back for a week, but I'm basically French now so I was extending my vacation without knowing it.... but I am back in France, where it is unusually cold and rainy for September, which totally blows chunks after a month in Thailand. And of course, no return to France could be complete without a crazy chick on the train:

My first morning back on the RER, this very strange woman sat next to me. She kept changing seats while singing to herself and sucking on some sort of candy that reminded me of that Bazooka chewing gum in a tube. Eww. She was in her 50's and had so much plastic surgery that she looked not unlike a cat...


Crazy Train Woman
I hope you like your candy
Your face is stretchy

Vacation

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Let's face it, The Daily Lifeku is practically French... and not unlike the French, the Daily Lifeku takes the month of August for vacation. Please continue to send your reader submissions to dailylifeku@gmail.com since I'll be back in full force in September (also not unlike the French). In the meantime, marinate on this lifeku that is dedicated to my mom, who was attacked by a ferrel yet not ferrel abandoned psycho cat that happened to be rabies-free:

Oh no, Mom! Look out!
There's a cougar in Cape May
Cat Scratch Fever pills

Friday, July 31

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Sir-Complains-A-Lot
It’s could always be much worse
You could have no arms

Thursday, July 30

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Chronic canceller
You still bother making plans
One often wonders

Wednesday, July 29: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from my Twin Flame, who basically just says what I'm thinking anyway:

This Lifeku is dedicated to my e-mail server company, which obviously doesn’t like using any type of sorting techniques.


Stupid spam filter
No, I don’t need Viagra
Are you even on?

Tuesday, July 28

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This is for someone I saw last night, you know who you are:

Unwelcome non-friend
Why do we still play this game?
You know I hate you

Monday, July 27

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Your social quagmire
Is thanks to your big fat mouth
You gossipmonger

Friday, July 24

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Suburbanite chick
Your Lexus is in my space
Can you pick a lane??

Thursday, July 23

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Summer lovin’ teens
I don’t need to see all that
Keep it in your pants

Wednesday, July 22: Reader Submission

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Today's lifeku comes from Shea, who has issues with his mother-in-law:

My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!

Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake

Tuesday, July 21

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Super hot iPhone
After just a few minutes
You’re burning my face

Monday, July 20

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Don't bother talking
Nobody cares what you think
Captain Stooge McSlow

Saturday, July 18

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Greedy party man
You do not know how to share
Nobody likes you

Friday, July 17

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Pedophile priest
You think your self-flogging
Makes it all better?

Thursday, July 16

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I was feeling nostalgic, so I thought I'd bust out some 90's slang for today's lifeku. Anyone feeling in a particularly "It's the 90's" mood feel free to send your reader submissions for next week...

Sketchy lunch box guy
Could you be any weirder?
Stop wigging me out

Wednesday, July 15: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Noelle, who will now probably think twice before reaching out to touch somebody:

"A long time ago, I went to the beach with my grandparents. We went to a reptile zoo and I left them to go use the restroom. When I came out, I noticed my grandfather leaning against the railing, so I decided to surprise him with a sudden hug. After I'd successfully wrapped my skinny little arms around him, he turned around with a look of shock on his face, and that's when I realized something. I'd hugged a complete stranger who didn't even remotely look like my grandfather."


Random old stranger:
sorry for the weird hug, man.
I bet you liked it.

Tuesday, July 14

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Too-Botoxed has-been
No revitalization
Voluminous face

Monday, July 13

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Today's lifeku goes out to all of the ladies that I smell way too much on the morning metro:

Parisian Women
Lay off the Angel*
You all smell like barf

*please note that Angel is a perfume intended to smell like chocolate, but more closely resembles rotting stomach lining.

Saturday, July 11

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Just because it's summer, doesn't mean you have to let it all hang out:

Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears

I'm back

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It appears as though I am finally back.... after what seems like years of waiting for a new internet connection. I swear, if France didn't give me 6 hour work days, 5 weeks vacation per year, and really good bread I don't know if I could handle it here without committing customer service murder. After several visits to the SFR boutique, two outbursts of crazy laughter when I just couldn't take it anymore, and mysteriously picking up my modem at a dry cleaner behind my house (don't even ask because I don't know), I now find myself reconnected.

Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:


Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??

Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent

Update

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Okay so I have now been living without internet for so long that I have almost forgotten what it is. I am supposed to be "reconnected" tomorrow afternoon... if this is the case, expect The Daily Lifeku to come back in full swing. If The Daily Lifeku doesn't come back in full swing, you can assume that the French internet gods are punishing me...

In the meantime, this is for you, underappreciated Loreal commercial guy:

Undervalued guy
Don't you just wish they could see
How much you're worth it?

Friday, June 26

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Thanks for applying
I will not be dating you
Guy with pet gopher

Thursday, June 25

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Potential date guy
If you didn't smell like poop
I might have said yes

Wednesday, June 24: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Buzz, who is quickly becoming my lifeku star:

I dropped my car off for service last week, and while they worked on it I went for a walk. I was horrified by the trash littering the side of the road. From fast food wrappers, to dirty diapers, to a plastic orange juice bottle filled with what looked like urine. Are you fucking kidding me? Where is the love for Mother Earth?? You ever see a cig smoker almost at the end of the butt, and they cup it, a secretly let it go?

Hey there cig smoker
Throwing it down discretely
You’re a litter bug!

What is that bad smell?
Ooh, baby’s made a poo-poo
Toss the diaper? Gross!

Hey there litter bug
I would love to see your home
Do you trash it too?

Tuesday, June 23

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Hey there tattle-tale
Nobody likes a squealer
I'll shut your face up

Monday, June 22

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Although my Flame of Twin was not physically present when I was writing this lifeku, she was with me in spirit and therefore the "we" refers to me and her, not me and my man. That's right, when I say "we" I mean me and my flame because I'm just a feminist like that:

We never liked you
Especially when you talk
Your face makes it worse

Saturday, June 20

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As I am visiting Moomie, I have internet access for a few days and thought I would provide you with a couple lifekus to keep you going. If I knew when I would have internet, I wouldn't be living in France... so as far as "the return" is concerned, I can make no promises... but in the meantime, this goes out to all of you providing too much information:

Yes, you just farted
I didn't need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Mini-Hiatus

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Hello fellow Lifekuers,

Unfortunately, Daughter is without internet at the moment and therefore unable to post... The Daily Lifeku will be on a miniature hiatus while Daughter waits for her new internet account to be activated. Lifeku you in a few days.

Tuesday, June 9

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No goo-goo ga-ga
When projectile vomiting
Babies are not cute

Monday, June 8

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Not untrue statements
Are they not unlike non-lies?
I don’t disagree

Saturday, June 6

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Woman at the park
Back away from my sun chair
I’ve been here for hours.

Friday, June 5

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Unflattering dress
Hugs the wrong places like an
Aquatic mammal

Thursday, June 4

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Havoc wreaking man
You are not a leprechaun
Mind your own business

Wednesday, June 3: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Danielle, who not unlike me passes about 47% of her week on the Paris metro:

Fripsters* on the train
Your hair reeks of your own pee
But I like your shoes


*fripe (from the verb "friper" for crumple) refers to thrift and vintage stores in French

Tuesday, June 2

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You, morning person
That’s a lot of energy
Turn down the sunshine

Monday, June 1

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This one goes out to all of the consumers who make a giant scene in public:

Crazy customer
Not sure that’s the best way to
Get your money back

Sunday Poll: May 31

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French Customer Service...



Saturday, May 30

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Street-side oddity
Use your seven-fingered hands
For carnival cash!

Friday, May 29

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This lifeku is dedicated to the fact that I will be sans internet for at least 10 days as I leave crap internet provider in the dust to switch to SFR Neuf...

Orange Internet
Your service is a big joke
I hope you all die.

Thursday, May 28

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Boy with chicken pox
I told you not to pick it
Now look what you’ve done

Wednesday, May 27: Reader Submission

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This weeks reader submission comes from Nancy, wgo tells us about her debacle in The Dam:

When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:


Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.

In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.

Tuesday, May 26

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Angry sidewalk man
Your nonsensical yelling
Just makes you look nuts

Monday, May 25

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I am a dog owner and lover, that is for sure. I love those big brown puppy eyes that gaze up at you with a sweet wagging tail. I love how my puppy (I call her that even though she's 5) gets so excited every time I come home that she almost pees herself, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes.

Yes, dogs really are our best friends... but do you want to know who are not our best friends?

I'll tell you: Dog owners who for some reason believe they are exempt from "the ramassing of the merde." What am I talking about? Pick up your poop for crying out loud. I do it, so can you, it's really not that bad. See, the plastic bag serves as the appropriate buffer between the poop matter and your actual hand, but some of you don't seem to understand this concept. Some of you believe it's okay to let your dog drop one in front of me while I am drinking coffee and then just leave it there as if it were some sort of treasured gift. Newsflash: it's not a treasured gift. At all. So just bend over and pick it up like the rest of us:



Woman with toy dog
You still have to pick it up
Even if it’s small

Sunday Poll: May 24

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Think Fast: Pigeons



Saturday, May 23

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Broken car alarm
Loud nightly disturbances
I’ll kill my neighbor

Friday, May 22

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Funk nasty smell man
Not even sure what that is
You need to rinse off

Thursday, May 21

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This one goes out to every "young person" who thinks that user edited encyclopedic content serves as undisputed fact:

Generation “Net”
Stop quoting all your facts from
Wikipedia

Wednesday, May 20: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Chris, who must've had the flu on the one day the opposite sex was thinking about giving him the goodies:

I am so damn sick.
Ladies check me out at store.
Why today? Why now!?

Tuesday, May 19

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I recently stumbled across this article about a super awesome van offering every parents nightmare: free candy. After a lot of freaking out and a police investigation, it turns out that this pedophilic parents' nightmare was in fact a prank being played by who else: college kids. Ahhh those crazy college kids...


Hey little children
Let's have some fun in my van!
I've got free candy

Monday, May 18

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Unwelcome squatter
I smell you from the hallway
Please leave my building

Sunday Poll: May 17

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Think Fast: Lollygagging



Saturday, May 16

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I used to talk about Marie-France all of the time... a pigeon who somehow managed to find refuge in the gaps between my 300 year old walls. Marie-France would walk around cooing and strutting and doing other annoying pigeon things at all sorts of inappropriate early hours of the morning. I would be comfortable in my bed, enjoying that moment in between asleep and awake when the sheets conform to your body and are softer than they will ever be, and cluck cluck coo coo went Marie-France, waking me from my peaceful bliss. I cursed her name every morning and began considering whether or not it was worth it to punch holes in my walls to find her... and then one day, she was gone. Just like that. It was the first day I noticed that I had slept until 9:30 without interruption that I realized she was mysteriously absent, and that I was mysteriously relaxed and rested. For two years I lived in peace (obviously not counting those times when my guardienne decides 6:00 am is the perfect time to sort the glass recycling), a glorious, pigeon-free peaceful Parisian existence with baguettes and accordion music and berets and strikes. Then, last week, I was up at 6:30 making myself a cup of coffee when I heard a most unsettling scratching noise coming from behind the stove. The sound of claws against loose drywall... and then, I heard the cooing as I formed my angry fists of fury:

Pigeon in my walls
Loud early morning cooing
Murderous rage

Friday, May 15

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Everyday, my guardienne (a French version of a super) performs various tasks throughout the buildings and courtyards like sweeping, taking out the trash, watering the flowers, and of course washing the ground. The ground is so very dirty that it needs to be washed absolutely everyday. With fresh water. She acts as if this is the most logical necessity that could have ever existed. Ground-washing. I mean seriously, it's the ground... it's just going to get dirty again... but she continues to waste fresh drinking water by hosing down the courtyard (which is rather large might I add) because in her world the environment must not be important:

Idiot waster
You don't have to rinse that
Because it's the ground

Thursday, May 14

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Red Cross corner guy
Do you have to bother me?
Your job really sucks

Wednesday, May 13: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Moomie, who has just recently put her house on the market because she found a better one. While this is all fine and dandy, in order to prepare her house for a non-stop influx of total strangers Moomie has transformed herself into the alter ego "Tina Sparkle" (who handles all of the cleaning and is rather OCD) and has thus begun cleaning, sweeping, wiping, bleaching, scrubbing, swiffering, buffing, vacuuming, shining, windexing, folding, pressing, steaming, waxing, and many other verbs in -ing form:

Where's my privacy?
An open house invasion
I'm just so tired

Tuesday, May 12

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Do you ever disagree with someone about something, but somehow remain unable to tell them because they cut you off every time you open your mouth?

Loud argument guy
A discussion goes both ways
You’re talking at me

Monday, May 11

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I recently watched this documentary on compulsive hoarding on TLC (technically I watched it on YouTube since I have no TV, and you can to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daKsMsa8YAc). I basically spent the whole time with my mouth gaping open and one hand glued to my face in horror and when it was over I threw away all of my shoes that I never wear because they eat my feet... well, most of them...


Compulsive hoarder
You live in a garbage dump
Is that lamp molding?

Sunday Poll: May 10

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Mother's Day...



Saturday, May 9

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Hirsute shirtless man
Your chest is like a sweater
Don’t you have heat stroke?

Friday, May 8

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Gobbelty gook man
Nobody understands you
Try using real words

Thursday, May 7

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I love how "the media" has become like a living entity... that compulsively lies and skews information to manipulate the public. Take my new best friend Swine Flu, for example. As if Bird Flu wasn't enough, now they want you to put down that delicious marinated chicken breast and while you're at it, don't touch that tasty bacon. Of course I wouldn't know that bacon is tasty, as Jews don't eat bacon and I definitely didn't eat bacon with my french toast at the diner the other day. No no, that was just someone who looks like me.

Be very afraid
New swine flu hysteria
Quick! Buy this new cure

Wednesday, May 6

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Today's reader submission comes from Buzz, a loyal lifekuer with a special love for syllables. I think you will all find he speaks the Truth:

Dude with the new wheels
We are all truly impressed
Learn to drive a-hole

Challenges surround
Pissed off and low on patience
What would Cheryl do?

Tuesday, May 5

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Little girl eating
Chocolate fingers away
My white pants nightmare

Monday, May 4

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Logic-impaired man
When they were handing out sense
You received chump change

Sunday Poll: May 3

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Oh no! Swine Flu...


Saturday, May 2

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Loud party goers
My house is not a night club
Pump down the volume

Friday, May 1

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The other day on the metro I saw this elderly man dressed all dapper, done to the nines, and ready to go out. He was cool, he was a "cat," he was other terms from the 30's that I can't think of because it's too early. He was even rockin' a hat. I basically wanted to leave Chones and run away with him so we could do the Charleston together in underground moonshine bars, until I saw his magenta socks:





Cool daddy pink socks
Gonna be a wise guy, eh?
Do it on the fly

Thursday, April 30

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This one goes out to every single one of you who has pushed me in the morning:

It’s 8:49
We’re all super late for work
You think you’re special?

Wednesday, April 29: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Scott, who can be found over at ScottStories. I don't think it needs much of an introduction, considering we've all been there:

Tequila with ice
Okay, maybe just one more
I will never learn

Tuesday, April 28

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This morning, I was gently stalking people on Facebook, seeing what they're up to, how many pictures of their kids they've posted, drunk clubbing photos etc... and I noticed a little trend. A presence, if you will. A presence of bad spelling. Words like "suceed," "its" with no apostrophe yet still meaning "it is," "desribe," a genuine lack of understanding between "affect" and "effect," and all sorts of grammatical rapings that make it seem like someone shouldn't have graduated high school...

Facebook friend of mine
We all know you have spell check
Why don't you use it?

Monday, April 27

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In the past year or so, my neighborhood has transformed into an ultra young super hip uber trendy hangout spot... especially for teenagers. Everyday when I go downstairs I find them in flocks and clusters giggling and flirting, with one or two stragglers that move between groups. Everyday I see their side-swept bangs which would more accurately be described as giant comb-overs and everyday I watch them send text messages to their friends who are standing but 20 feet away. And everyday, as it gets warmer, a rise in degree in temperature results in an inch rise of the skirt hem... it's not even "hot" yet and I am already seeing butt cheeks peeking out so I can only imagine what's going to happen when it's 90 degrees and humid outside. Maybe they just won't wear bottoms. At all. Then they can text about it. Sweet.

Trampy tween outside
Pulling up one's skirt so high
Gives out the goodies

Sunday Poll: April 26

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My Facebook Status



Saturday, April 25

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Today's lifeku is dedicated to all of you users of the following phrases:
  • "I don't need no..."
  • "I don't got none..."
  • "I don't want no..."
and of course, the beloved
  • "I'm gonna get me some."

Overrated smarts
I don’t need your fancy talk
Learning is stupid

Friday, April 24

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I have frequently expressed my personal feelings on the Human Cube that is the Paris Metro in the morning... the other day, while I was being compressed between a woman with way too much perfume and an adolescent listening to Rihanna & T.I's "Live your life" way too loud on his iPod (yes, his), when I noticed the man in front of me had begun huffing and puffing in a most disgruntled way. He shimmied his shoulders with a look of panic, not unlike a battered wife, and began looking around at all of the horrible people who were clearly abusing his personal metro space. At this point he began muttering to himself, making annoyed little comments about how people "are" these days.

May I point out that while all of this is going on there's a pregnant woman behind me who can barely breathe and a 10 year old late for school who has one leg balanced on the door frame in an attempt to create more space, not to mention the fact that the movement Disgruntled Man's shoulder shimmy was primarily ricocheting onto my face. After about 4 metro stops like this, he began to raise his "distress level," by which of course I mean "volume." The huffing and puffing turned into a whiny tantrum as he pushed his body in all directions trying to just get the Parisians off of him... except: this man clearly neglected to make the basic observation that THE PARIS METRO IS FULL DURING MORNING COMMUTE. He failed to acknowledge that he is in no way special, and in no way deserves more space than the 80 year-old woman who is holding her cane against the ceiling so that it doesn't get randomly thrown out of the train car.

People like this make me crazy. Or perhaps I should say amused, because it's not worth the effort to go crazy (or as we say in French pete les plombs). People who feel that they are superior enough to get their panties all in a bunch when they are treated just like everyone else, but at the same time don't have the money or initiative to take a taxi. Or walk. Or ride a bike. I mean seriously, Paris isn't that big.
Which of course brings us to:

Whiny metro turd
I cannot create more space
Where there is none left

Thursday, April 23

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This one goes out to everyone who's ever fallen down in public, myself definitely included:

Face-planting wonder
Oooh that looks like it hurt bad
Gravity's a bitch

Wednesday, April 22: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Liza, who has something to say to all of you inconsistent highway drivers out there:

"To the people who have no idea how to keep a consistent speed on the highway: "

Annoying driver
stop playing car tag with me
cruise control, use it.

Tuesday, April 21

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I was stumbling my life away, as usual, when I came across this interesting story of a Norweigan- highway-sex-crash, which seems rather adventurous... but then again I suppose there's not that much to do in Norway in winter without freezing your face off, so people probably need to create some action for themselves.

Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact

Monday, April 20

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Stupid architect
Nobody cares about your
Flying buttresses

Sunday Poll: April 19

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Think Fast: Republicans


Saturday, April 18

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iPhone battery
Why do you die so quickly?
Please don’t, I need you

Friday, April 17

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I recently stumbled upon this video of how Disney rips off their own previous animations for new ones... it's pretty bad. I guess people just aren't that creative anymore because it's almost the exact same drawings, not unlike that video that compares Forrest Gump and Benjamin Button. Yes. That is a truthful video.




Same Disney repeat
Can't you guys draw something new?
Self-copyright theft

Thursday, April 16: Reader Submission

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I know that Wednesday is Reader Submission Day, but this one was too good to wait another 3 weeks for an open space... In response to my post about Franglais and the now-famous possessive donut's, Chris has decided to enlighten us on the subject of Denglisch. Now all we're missing is Spanglish... anyone got a Spanglish lifeku??

Chris explains:

"I hardcore have super feelings about your Franglais frustrations. Germans do the same thing. It's called 'Denglisch' and it's quite silly. While there are numerous examples, such as the ubiquitous 'Handy,' their word for 'cell phone,' and 'Happyend,' a literary term used to describe the plot arcs of American cinema, I think the universally premier example of Denglisch is their word for 'hip hop':

'Black Music.'

I kid you not. I can only wonder how many dorky German exchange students have gotten the snot beaten out of them in the States, when, on a Saturday night in their adopted home of Hotlanta or Chi-Town, they ask with great earnesty where they might go to dance to some Black Music.
"

Germans, please take note:
A 'happy ending' is not
what you think it is.

Hip-hop in Stuttgart
The kids call it 'Black Music'
But not in Oakland!

Of course, the phenomenon works through reverse culture shock, too. For a while I seasoned my English with German-like grammar and vocabulary. But it's been too long since I was there...

My Denglisch is gone
No longer, trips to the store,
"Going einkaufing!"

Wednesday, April 15: Reader Submission

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This weeks reader submission comes from Mike, who tells a tale of discomfort that we all have known:

"Thursday night was low key and uneventful and I merely went out after work to have some wings and a beer. I felt fine and passed out like a baby before midnight. But around 4am, I woke up to this sharp burning sensation in my stomach. It was only minutes later before I was out my back door begging for mercy."


Teriyaki wings
why torture me and start a
wretched barf-a-thon?

Acid mouth flavor
Where's my Listerine bottle?
Swish, Spit, Rinse, Repeat

Tuesday, April 14

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Friend staying with me
I love you but your boyfriend
Has got to go now

Monday, April 13

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This is a Chateau. A French Chateau. A French Chateau where I just spent the night for the wedding of a friend, during which all sorts of shenanigans took place. Some of these shenanigans were fun, some were dangerous, and some were just plain inappropriate.

When you are staying in a chateau with 100 wedding guests, including the majority of your friends, you don't necessarily tell yourself that you need to sleep with the door locked... and you are making a terrible mistake. Because it's possible that you will be awoken at 6:30 in the morning by 30 people singing and chanting in your room, including some random guy you've never seen playing a guitar in the corner.
These people might yell at you, taunt you, make several failed attempts to expose your naked body from under the covers... and you may choose not to speak to them for a little while....


Drunk thirty-somethings
Champagne to the sleeping face
Inappropriate

Sunday Poll: April 12

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Think Fast: Easter


Saturday, April 11

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Spelling from England
Favourite, colour, neighbour
Why not drop the u’s?

Friday, April 10

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In France, people use an exceptional amount of Franglais. This is the application of English words with a French accent in the middle of a French sentence. An example of this could be, "J'ai un super feeling avec les animaux" which means "I have a great feeling with animals." However, "I have a great feeling with animals" doesn't really mean the same thing in English, so this sentence could more appropriately be translated, "I get along well with animals." Another example of this Franglais can be noticed in the overusage of the word "hardcore" as in sentences like, "Putain, c'est trop hardcore" (meaning, "Sh** that's really hardcore). The French LOVE this word and will use it as often as possible.

When speaking Franglais, for some reason the speaker feels compelled to refer to everything in the plural such as un cookies, un muffins, or une chips (a cookies, a muffins, and a chips, respectively.) I've tried to explain that cookies can never be one, the "s" means by default there are at least 2, but they don't care. Now, having explained this Franglais business, I present for your approval the most bizarre of all Franglais mistakes:



That's right. Donut's. There not just inappropriately plural, they're possessive. These donut's own something and they're not letting go. Which brings us to:


Possessive donuts
You are not the boss of me
Let me live my life

Thursday, April 9

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Recently in Paris it has been exceptionally beautiful outside. Warm, sunny, perfect blue skies with white fluffy clouds... and everybody's out to enjoy it. First of all you should know that the French love to talk about the weather, in general... all of the time. Second, Parisian people completely change when the sun comes out, shedding their faux frowns for light, happy smiles as they bask in the sun with some obscure juice like strawberry or melon. During moments like this, the outdoor cafe seating, or terrasse, becomes a full out war for the best places in the sun and once you get a good spot you don't move for a long time. Which brings us to:

Terrasse au soleil
Parisian snobbery
I’m better than you

Wednesday, April 8: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Alfonso, who responded to my personal request for lifekus inspired by life with no internet:

Internet go boom
1991 again
Where's my Sonic Youth?

Tuesday, April 7

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I recently stumbled upon this article about a boy who killed his father in his sleep, but was apparently sleepwalking and therefore not responsible for what he did. Personally, I don't know if I believe that, but it certainly makes you think twice about falling asleep with the door unlocked:

Sleepwalking killer
Your dad should’ve locked the door
But you’re off scot-free

Monday, April 6

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Strangers on the street
Please don't be afraid of my
Impromptu Jazz Hands

Sunday Poll: April 5

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Think Fast: Jesus



Saturday, April 4

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Pretentious lady
Take your nose out of the air
When you talk to me

Friday, April 3

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This is a photo that I took the other day with my iPhone QuadCam (if you don't have this app, you really should) because I needed proof of the terrifying masked children that were haunting me in the metro. First they got on with me at Saint Paul Le Marais, which isn't that strange except for the fact that they followed me all the way to Lamark Caulaincourt, which for anyone who knows the Paris metro, is about 30 minutes with a directional line change on the 12 at the Concorde.

When we were waiting for the elevator (this particular station is in the bottom of Montmartre, which is like the San Francisco of Paris, so if you don't take the elevator you have to walk up like 40 flights of steps to get to street level) I half expected them to bust out tiny little knives and go for my Achilles Gage-style from Pet Sematary. I mean, seriously, look in the 4th photo the way that little girl is taunting me... leaning in my direction like she's about to jump out and start eatting my fingers as if they were chicken nuggets. I've got goose-bumps just thinking about it....


Echoing giggle
Ring around the rosie, no!
Tiny hands of death

Thursday, April 2

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Woman on diet
Exhibit some self control
Stop. Don’t break the seal

Wednesday, April 1: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from "Anonymous".... an Anonymous who clearly resides in the DC Metro area:

Hey, Georgetown a-hole
Your sneer is eclipsed by that
Lame pink popped collar


PS: For those of you not familiar with Georgetown, I have provided this handy and informative photo of The Exorcist stairs

Tuesday, March 31

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I recently experienced a delay in my regular Nespresso delivery... this meant that I hate wake up without the fresh, delightful morning odor that I had become so very accustomed to. Instead, I lagged my heavy body around the kitchen until I found some [shudder] instant cappuccino to which I added [shudders again] instant coffee for a creation vaguely resembling a decent cup of coffee. Vaguely, but not really...

No coffee morning
Minimum brain wave function
Eyelids made of lead

Monday, March 30

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Hello. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. I'm going to need you to watch this super awesome video that I stumbled upon immediately. Yes, immediately, as in RIGHT NOW. It is full of information that you simply cannot live without.



Wasn't that amazing? Don't you feel as though someone turned a light on in the pit of darkness in which we've been living? Duh. Lies. [scoffs at science to self] First of all, I'd like to know who taught this man to speak, because that was a mistake. I'm going to assume it was his mother, who was also apparently responsible for teaching him biology... which we just saw did not turn out so well. And I thought public schools in the States were bad... Regardless of whoever taught him evangelical gibberish in place of the laws of physics, this man sounds so freaking retarded that I almost feel sorry for him. "Explosions kill people." [sigh]

Good job home-schooling
Dang fancy telescopes duh
So-called gravity

Sunday Poll: March 29

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My mother...


Saturday, March 28

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***Today is the mother of Daughter's birthday. In my neck of the woods we call her "Moomie." Don't ask. So Happy Birthday Moomie!

In honor of Moomie's birthday, I decided to write a haiku about my personal feelings on canned tuna fish, or "chicken of the sea." If you don't get it, don't worry, she will.


Dear canned tuna fish
You are so rank and nasty
Keep away from me

Friday, March 27

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I'm sure you've all heard the interesting story of the Siberian woman who invited her friend out for a lovely evening, only to finish it by killing and eating her:

You thought we were friends
Girls night out really ends with
Cannibalism

Thursday, March 26

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I recently celebrated my birthday, and found that after 4:00 am my friends actually turned the music back up after I would turn it down. This is not acceptable.

Loud party goers
My house is not a night club
Pump down the volume

Wednesday, March 25: Reader Submission

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This week's reader submission comes from Tara, who totally has a right to complain about overuse of air conditioning... even though I live in France so I don't know what that is anymore.

"I’ve been inspired by my freezing cold office building to write a few lifekus. I don’t know why the facilities people feel the need to blast the air conditioning when its 55 degrees outside…"


Dog gone management
Why must you blast the A.C.?
Hypothermia

Can’t feel my fingers
Thanks for keeping me alive
Awesome space heater

Tuesday, March 24

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Sometimes, as women, we face difficult situations... like when your girlfriends are significantly hotter than your guy friends, but your guy friends haven't quite registered that fact and still think they have a shot at some action. Luckily, I have prepared a lifeku for moments such as these:

Drunk guy-friend of mine
You get no love from my girl
Stop hitting on her

Monday, March 23

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Anyone who's anyone knows that a new cycle of America's Next Top Model has begun. Or maybe I should say that anyone who knows me knows that ANTM is my ultimate guilty pleasure - I can't miss an episode, get strangely emotionally involved, and become totally obsessed. This is the 12th year in a row. The best part is, I have no shame about it... abslutely zero. I read 5 books a month (and not by authors like John Grisham), speak another language, and do grammar exercises for fun, so I definitely deserve to enjoy watching girls cat-fight it out for a modeling career that we all know will never go past My Year As A Cover Girl. If you have ever actually watched ANTM, then you would know that it's the 40 most entertaining minutes of your life ever, filled with tears, traumatizing make-overs, and dream crushing goodness.... So in honor of my not-so-shameful love for Tyra:

ANTM girls
Who’s gonna cry first this time?
Oh no, not my hair

Sunday Poll: March 22

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Life without internet...


Saturday, March 21

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I'm a positive, optimist person. I would even say that I am overall happy, and some people find that irritating. Of course by "some people" I mean "Parisian people" since it violates Rule #3 of Being Parisian, which is: Never smile. Ever. But even amidst my happy existence, I come across people who are like me times 800 million and are therefore capable of showing extreme excitement about the most mundane subjects or achievements.

Jubilant woman
Nobody is ever that
Enthusiastic

Friday, March 20

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Today's lifeku goes out to someone in particular, who made not read it right away... But when you do, you know who you are:

Overgrown man-boy
Do not start fights with strangers
You’ll injure yourself

Thursday, March 19

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Even though I written this lifeku a little while ago, I felt like it was appropriate to post after yesterdays Reader Submission about too much information online. Sometimes, people can be just way too open for their own good, to the point where it becomes weird and unhealthy and you really want them to just stop talking. I remember, when I first moved to France, I did a two-year make-up school in order to have a student visa. During this time, I learned how to make it look like someone took a blow-torch to your face, give perfect pin curls, and other random stuff that was pretty fun. I also had this client, a choreographer, who will remain totally namesless just in case she is still stalking me and reads this blog. She was American, from Los Angeles to be specific, and immediately took a liking to me because I was American. I met her on a DVD shoot where I was one of 3 interns for a chief make-up artist from MAC and soon after she began calling me, asking me to do her make-up privately. At some point, she began to feel a little too comfortable and started telling me all sorts of really personal details about her marriage, her reproductive organs, and the current state of her body while I would do her make-up. After a while, it escalated, and she started calling me just to talk about her problems, like I was her therapist or something. I would put the phone on speaker and set it on the table and she would just go on and on for a couple of hours. Eventually, when I started avoiding her because she weirded me out so much, she didn't take it too well. She even kept calling for a year. Now, I avoid her studio like the plague, even though it's only a couple of minutes from my apartment... which brings us to:

Hey oversharer
I didn’t need to know that
Keep it to yourself

Wednesday, March 18: Reader Submission

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Today's Reader Submission comes from Laurie, who makes an extremely valid point about too much information in cyberspace. I try to limit the info about myself on the net, for example I only allow photos where I look good. All others must be immediately untagged and deleted. But, I digresss... some people feel the need to put everything online, from the details of their break-up or the famed "it's complicated" Facebook relationship status to photos of themselves drunk and wasted in compromising positions. People, it's just not necessary. Laurie explains:

"Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm the only person left who doesn't feel the need to plaster my entire personal life, interests and every event I attend all over the internet. I hate going online and knowing every little detail about people I barely know or care about. Maybe if they were mildly entertaining, it would be less annoying.
"

Self-centered a-hole
I don't care about your life
You are so boring

Stranger don't tell me
About last night or your job
Makes me feel creepy



*Do you have a lifeku about something that annoys you? Send it to dailylifeku@gmail.com!

Tuesday, March 17

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I just spent one full week with no internet. Zero. None. Zilch. I basically wanted to die. My internet stopped working one day, at which point I made a phone call (which I then did not know would precede many, many other phone calls) to my internet service provider, which would be Orange. Also known as: Quasi-Fascist-Anti-Humanitarian-Internet-Mongers. QFAHIN. Or something. First they gave me one explanation, then another, then another, then no internet and some more phone calls later, yet another. And of course none of the 15 people I spoke to actually knew what was wrong.

7 unconnected days and 100 hours of Orange's hold music later, it turns out that my account was mistakenly closed. Indefinitely. Why? Because, like a total idiot, I paid my bill online. This was obviously too much for the computers at Orange, who provide internet service I remind you, because their computers didn't take my payment into account. Wait, let me re-phrase that: Orange was more than happy to physically take the money out of my bank account, they just didn't register that they had done that, because they're awesome. So for 3 months in a row, as I was thinking how convient it was to pay my bills online, for Orange I was actually not paying. Even though they were taking my money. Really, I love France.

So how did I have to fix the situation? This is where the awesomeness reaches a whole new level, because once an account has been closed, you have to open a new one. Once this process, comparable to a root canal, has been completed it takes UP TO 15 DAYS to re-open the line. There is, of course, nothing that Orange can do about this. Obviously. Because it's not like the line was functioning a couple of days ago or anything. I began to feel like an idiot for having believed the woman who claimed to have put my file "in priority." I even had one guy who said I would receive a text message when the line was open again, and it obviously is because I am posting this right now, but I never received said mysterious text message.

Let me stop right here to handle any questions or concerns you may be having with this ridiculous situation: If you are asking yourself, "Why didn't she just get a new internet service provider instead of waiting the 15 days?" I'll explain why this is not possible. It turns out that ALL OPENINGS OF INTERNET LINES IN FRANCE TAKE UP TO 15 DAYS, no matter what company you are with. And since I had already done 5 days of waiting, I wasn't about to go back to the beginning. You feel me?

Back to resolving my situation... I called again Saturday to have an estimate of when it would come back on, where yet another idiot gave me some more useless gobbelty gook crap of an explanation equating to up to 15 days, but he did offer to give us one month of internet free. After I already paid for the month of March, which is not over by the way, and during which I did not have internet for about 10 days, in order to open the new account. It's times like this where if I didn't have social security and 8 weeks paid vacation, I would totally move back to the States just for the customer service. Anyway, this morning, when a certain someone found themselves at the house with me after a certain accident (more on that later) it seemed that the internet just HAD to work. So we called yet again. First the "service commerciale" and then of course, because one phone call is never enough, the "service technique." Finally, when I got someone who actually knows computers on the phone, we managed to figure out the problem. It turns out that my stupid livebox had reset itself, and I had actually had internet since Friday. As you can imagine, I am far too tired and frustrated to be angry about this. I was just happy when she re-sychronized and my internet magically came back. Naturally my experience inspired a lifeku or two:


French “service technique”
You do not know anything
I hate you so much

Internetless life
Ostracized empty black void
I feel so alone


Most of you have had a similar experience, send your life-without-internet haikus for dailylifeku@gmail.com for next week's Reader Submission.

Monday, March 16

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I was yet again spending a relaxing Saturday morning with my new amazing boyfriend, StumbleUpon Toolbar. It's the best relationship I've ever had... he always has something interesting to say and he listens to my wants and needs. Anyway, I came across this article about the "male girdle" and found myself facing the difficult physical challenge of not throwing up in my mouth while laughing so hard I cry. It's supposed to be the equivalent of Spanx but for men with beer guts... the article goes on to explain the woes of men under the pressure to succeed in bed and at work, and how they deserve "the same products that women have had for years to make [them] feel better."

Oh boo hoo. I feel so sorry for you, men, because you don't have your own line of concealer and cellulite-disguising panty hose. Wait a minute, no I don't, because most of you still manage to get laid on a regular basis, even married, whereas nobody wants to do the nasty with a woman sporting a moustache. That's right, I said it. Women go through all of this preparation crap because men won't sleep with us if we don't. They are revolted by that which naturally occurs on our bodies. However, a fugly ass "man" with a "great personality" or a "sense of humor" will always end up with a woman who is too good for him but has surprisingly low self-esteem. That's the way it is. Think about how men become distinguished with grey hair but a woman who wants to keep the door rotating better run out for a box of Nice and Easy ASAP before people start asking her if she's a grandmother yet.

What is my point? My point is this: after years of shaving, waxing, exfoliating, buffing, smoothing, moisturizing, plucking, powdering, blow drying, and many other verbs ending in -ing, we have earned the right to judge you if you take longer than us to get ready. Your unrealistic vision of us automatically gives us twice the time in the bathroom (or more) with no justification what-so-ever, so when you start buffing and plucking and smoothing we start wondering if you're thinking about switching teams. Men, you want real women? Then don't be s
urprised when we want real men.

Metrosexual
Long prep time isn’t sexy
Take off the mirdle

Sunday Poll: March 15, 2009

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Think Fast: Twitter...


Saturday, March 14

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When I was living in Brooklyn, I definitely developed a toilet mouth. At the time it seemed totally natural and appropriate, but since I've been living in France I find that people don't understand what your saying if every other word you drop the f-bomb before saying you think so and so's face is totally jacked. Since I have gone back to speaking real English, I find the potty mouth less and less attractive, along with the girls attached to them:

Hey toilet mouth girl
Calling me names doesn’t change
Your being ugly

Friday, March 13

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Public bathroom guy
Maybe you should have waited...
We all just heard you

Thursday, March 12

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Have you ever had someone staying with you who made themselves just a little bit too much at home? As in, to the point where it becomes totally invasive? Couch crashers of the world: when we say, "make yourself at home" we don't mean it literally, so please pick up your wet underwear. And don't tell us why your underwear is wet, because we don't want to know.

Intrusive house guest
Do not make yourself at home
I want you to leave

Wednesday, March 11: Reader Submission

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This week's reader submission comes from Fern, who tells us about the creative and resourceful methods her brother used to torture her growing up:

Dear older brother
Please stop farting in my mouth
Humiliation

Tuesday, March 10

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Non-sharing roommate
You took so long on the can
I went on your bed

Monday, March 9

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I am incapable of keeping plants alive. I've tried many times.... again and again... but to no avail. Recently I had purchased a plant that was supposed to be "the easiest to take care of ever" and at first I thought it was true. My plant flourished, it's thick green shoots sprouting up towards the sunlight as it became thicker and thicker. I had even thought about getting a larger pot to put it... until something happened. I don't know what, but it had to be something because suddenly, but at the same time ever so slowly, my plant began to wilt and die. Piece by piece it began to fall apart, leaves dropping off into my hands like a hysterical woman who's pulled out all of her hair. And now, all that's left is two sad little stems with a leaf or two and trust me when I say that those are about to bite the dust any day now...

Meager little plant
I tried to keep you alive
Why do you hate me?

Sunday Poll: March 8

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Think Fast: Facebook...


Saturday, March 7

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Have you ever met somebody who doesn't have an opinion about anything? Not necessarily a pushover or those people who change their mind because you don't agree with them, but someone who just doesn't care enough to think this or that either way? I am annoyed by these people. I think that sometimes you have to have an opinion and you just can't get out of it... like when it comes to, I don't know, let's say: aliens. Okay, how does one not have an opinion on aliens? You either believe in them, or you don't. It's either a possibility in your world or it's not. You can't say, "I don't really have any personal feelings about the existence of intelligent life" the way you could say "I don't really have any personal feelings about Angelina's uterus." One doesn't require an opinion to be a thinking individual and the other does. It's simple.

Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who don't have the cajones to pick a side and stick with it:


Super neutral guy
If you cared any less, you
Might be Switzerland

Friday, March 6

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I feel like there are certain words that would be fun to integrate into our modern vocabulary... like whippersnapper and hootenany. Our grandparents were respectful and polite, and therefore way more creative when it came to words in general:

Older gentlemen
Please tone down the brouhaha
You might have a stroke

Thursday, March 5

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I know that I have previously mentioned my family's "Vegetarian Phase" that was sparked by my sister and led to the dreaded Tofurkey Thanksgiving. I know that I also mentioned that this particular phase ended for my sister when she was pregnant and absolutely had to have a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Now those of you who are loyal vegan-vegetarian-ghee-tofu-eaters may be asking, How? Why? How do you comsume flesh after a decade without it? I'll tell you how and why: because it tastes good. That's right. Animals are delicious, especially fuzzy little lambs. And don't start that "our intestines weren't made to digest meat" crap because a) we wouldn't have canines and b) I would have serious issues going to the bathroom, which I don't. Which brings us to the ultimate statement of truth:

Hey vegan eater
Maybe lentils are healthy
But cow tastes so good

Wednesday, March 4: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Spencer who had to speak out, "in response to the alarming trend of sorority girls thinking that leggings constitute as appropriate bottom-wear." That's right, ladies, leggings do not replace pants and I must admit that I totally agree on Spencer with this one. He even included some helpful websites that explain why leggings and tights do not replace the need to get dressed:

Leggings but no pants.
Dear little sorostitute:
We all see your butt.




Tightsarenotpants.com
Dumbest Fashion Statements Ever
Leggings are not pants

Tuesday, March 3

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Has anyone read those articles (or seen those stories) about hardcore video gamers that are so addicted they sit in internet cafes for days at a time, not showering and only eating ramen? They become so into the game that they do things like quit their jobs and stab each other. Today's lifeku goes out to those boys who've only known virtual relationships from the comfort of a sweat stained computer chair:

Video game guy
Put down the controller now
You’ve soiled yourself

Monday, March 2

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You know what expression I hate? "Do as I say, not as I do." Seriously, what's that about anyway? It's all, I can do whatever I want but then I get to judge you for doing the exact same thing because I just plain suck:

Total hypocrite
You just said that it was wrong
Now you’re doing it

Sunday Poll: March 1

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My birthday makes me feel...



Saturday, February 28

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Self-preservation
I will probably kill you
For those shoes on sale

Friday, February 27

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Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.

Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail,
which inspired this lifeku:

Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig

Thursday, February 26

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Some of you who are loyal readers from the beginning may think that this lifeku strongly resembles "Man With Bad B.O." (one of the original lifekus) and it probably does. But I can't help that because the number of funk-nasty people that are all up in my personal space requires that I write at least one body odor related haiku per month. Brunette on the line 2 next to me a few days ago, you know who you are:

Stranger next to me
You are smelling pretty ripe
Deodorant, much?

Wednesday, February 25: Reader Submission

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Today's reader submission comes from Steph, who was kind enough to create a Kissing Medley for us:

Hispanic boyfriend
Sexy when you act ghetto
You give me street cred.

Badass redneck boy
Tongue piercing and hot tattoos
Why can’t you kiss well?

Stoners cannot kiss
Move your lips around, dumbass
This is not a bowl

Tuesday, February 24:

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Despite the obvious dry humor of The Daily Lifeku, I am a relatively optimistic person and I have never liked a pity party. People find reasons to complain about everything when their lives really aren't that bad. I mean, seriously, my guardienne (French superintendent) washes the courtyard everyday with fresh water from the hose. She washes the ground. With clean water. There are children in Africa who would die on the spot if they saw this and this woman manages to complain about everything. Lucky for me she only speaks French and Portuguese so she won't be reading this any time soon...

Chronic complainer
At least you have arms and legs
Your face can’t be fixed

Monday, February 23

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I was yet again stumbling my youth away the other day when I came across this incredibly bizarre, creepy, and downright disturbing story of a wife who found a way to hold on to her husband FOREVER. She commissioned the most frighteningly stalkerish statue ever for his tombstone so that she could desperately cling to him for the rest of eternity. Talk about attached. You can see the other photos and read about it here. If that isn't unhealthy, I don't think I know what it...



Co-dependency
If you ever try to leave
I will be your grave.

Sunday Poll: February 22

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Public nudity makes me feel...



Saturday, February 21

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I am totally obsessed with StumbleUpon. As in, an all-consuming super unhealthy addiction to that toolbar in my Flock. For any of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is, I recommend you join immediately, so you can waste hours of your life discovering all of the crazy crap in the vast expanse that is The Internet. At first it took me a while to get to 1,000 thumbs up, but once I did it was like StumbleUpon infiltrated my brain and began only giving me stuff I like. Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up... which of course makes it even harder to turn my computer off even though I'm so tired that everything makes me giggle.

Dear StumbleUpon
You’re sucking away my life
But I still can’t stop

Just one more thumbs up
Then I’ll really go to sleep
My eyes are burning

Friday, February 20

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To celebrate of our first month with Obama and more importantly without Bush in 8 years, today's lifekus are in honor of all the stupid things we'll hopefully never hear from a president again. I dedicate February 20 as "Remember the Bushisms Day" so that we may never forget the dark times where our country was represented by a backwoods yokel, spewing ridiculous disinformation while managing to rape and murder all idioms and expressions. $20 says if you ask him, he thinks an idiom is someone stupid who didn't understand the need for The War on Terror (best title that means nothing, ever!).

The question I have always asked myself is: What is it like for Bush's speech writer? I mean seriously, this is a person behind the scenes who must obviously be good with words or he or she would have never gotten the job in the first place. Every day, I am sure he or she spell checked, reviewed, edited, and modified to give the illusion that our ex-pres was not, in fact, a bumbling idiom. That was on purpose. And every day, I am sure, the speech writer sat somewhere in a corner, shaking and holding his or herself whispering, "Just stick to the paper, W. Don't deviate this time. Please, please, for the love of God just read what I wrote." As the sorrowful tears streamed down trembling
cheeks, W would say to himself. "You know what? I'm just gonna improvisationalize for personality's sake. Yeah, that's it." And another little piece of the Speech Writer died inside...

Moving on, I present to you: The Top 10 Bushisms With Accompanying Lifekus


10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002













Grammar, who needs you?
Proverbs aren’t important
Cause I loves my guns

You know you love it
My nonsensical speeches
Let’s get some oil!

Oh, working mother
I didn’t understand you
Sorry, I’m stupid.

Thursday, February 19

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Yesterday morning I saw one of those American tourists that makes me pretend I don't speak English. You know who I'm talking about: loud, obnoxious, slightly twangy southern accent, guide book, points at things, and asks how much this costs in "real money." [hangs head in shame] I figured he was going to McDonald's before making his obligatory stop at The Mona Lisa to complete his "Parisian Experience." In fact, I am almost positive that if you removed his North Face fleece, you most definitely find a t-shirt underneath with the words, "Git R Done." Honestly, tourists like that should be quarantined to Tennessee and Oklahoma, never to leave their precious amber waves of grain for fear of being spoken to in another language. [insert southern accent] "Hey, Pa! She's got a funny accent. Can we take her home and tie her up in the barn?"

Loud American
Lost on the Paris Metro
Watch your fannypack


PS: Is that not the most amazing picture ever?

Wednesday, February 18: Reader Submission

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Much to my surprise and delight, reader submissions appear to be taking place on The Wall. I check them every few days to see what people are complaining about, and I'd like to share the two that made me chuckle recently:

The first one comes from Alfonso, who makes an extremely accurate and important point that I probably should have addressed in haiku form a while ago:

Stop clipping your nails
While standing right next to me
Dangerous AND gross



The second one comes from Maureen (AKA My Favorite Person In The World!) who basically speaks my mind whenever she opens her mouth:

Dumb Solicitor
No I don't want your product
It's useless like you