I'm back

Actually I've been back for a week, but I'm basically French now so I was extending my vacation without knowing it.... but I am back in France, where it is unusually cold and rainy for September, which totally blows chunks after a month in Thailand. And of course, no return to France could be complete without a crazy chick on the train:

My first morning back on the RER, this very strange woman sat next to me. She kept changing seats while singing to herself and sucking on some sort of candy that reminded me of that Bazooka chewing gum in a tube. Eww. She was in her 50's and had so much plastic surgery that she looked not unlike a cat...

Crazy Train Woman
I hope you like your candy
Your face is stretchy

Vacation

Let's face it, The Daily Lifeku is practically French... and not unlike the French, the Daily Lifeku takes the month of August for vacation. Please continue to send your reader submissions to dailylifeku@gmail.com since I'll be back in full force in September (also not unlike the French). In the meantime, marinate on this lifeku that is dedicated to my mom, who was attacked by a ferrel yet not ferrel abandoned psycho cat that happened to be rabies-free:

Oh no, Mom! Look out!
There's a cougar in Cape May
Cat Scratch Fever pills

Friday, June 26

Thanks for applying
I will not be dating you
Guy with pet gopher

Monday, May 25

I am a dog owner and lover, that is for sure. I love those big brown puppy eyes that gaze up at you with a sweet wagging tail. I love how my puppy (I call her that even though she's 5) gets so excited every time I come home that she almost pees herself, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes.

Yes, dogs really are our best friends... but do you want to know who are not our best friends?

I'll tell you: Dog owners who for some reason believe they are exempt from "the ramassing of the merde." What am I talking about? Pick up your poop for crying out loud. I do it, so can you, it's really not that bad. See, the plastic bag serves as the appropriate buffer between the poop matter and your actual hand, but some of you don't seem to understand this concept. Some of you believe it's okay to let your dog drop one in front of me while I am drinking coffee and then just leave it there as if it were some sort of treasured gift. Newsflash: it's not a treasured gift. At all. So just bend over and pick it up like the rest of us:


Woman with toy dog
You still have to pick it up
Even if it’s small

Sunday Poll: May 24

Think Fast: Pigeons

Saturday, May 16

I used to talk about Marie-France all of the time... a pigeon who somehow managed to find refuge in the gaps between my 300 year old walls. Marie-France would walk around cooing and strutting and doing other annoying pigeon things at all sorts of inappropriate early hours of the morning. I would be comfortable in my bed, enjoying that moment in between asleep and awake when the sheets conform to your body and are softer than they will ever be, and cluck cluck coo coo went Marie-France, waking me from my peaceful bliss. I cursed her name every morning and began considering whether or not it was worth it to punch holes in my walls to find her... and then one day, she was gone. Just like that. It was the first day I noticed that I had slept until 9:30 without interruption that I realized she was mysteriously absent, and that I was mysteriously relaxed and rested. For two years I lived in peace (obviously not counting those times when my guardienne decides 6:00 am is the perfect time to sort the glass recycling), a glorious, pigeon-free peaceful Parisian existence with baguettes and accordion music and berets and strikes. Then, last week, I was up at 6:30 making myself a cup of coffee when I heard a most unsettling scratching noise coming from behind the stove. The sound of claws against loose drywall... and then, I heard the cooing as I formed my angry fists of fury:

Pigeon in my walls
Loud early morning cooing
Murderous rage

Thursday, March 5

I know that I have previously mentioned my family's "Vegetarian Phase" that was sparked by my sister and led to the dreaded Tofurkey Thanksgiving. I know that I also mentioned that this particular phase ended for my sister when she was pregnant and absolutely had to have a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Now those of you who are loyal vegan-vegetarian-ghee-tofu-eaters may be asking, How? Why? How do you comsume flesh after a decade without it? I'll tell you how and why: because it tastes good. That's right. Animals are delicious, especially fuzzy little lambs. And don't start that "our intestines weren't made to digest meat" crap because a) we wouldn't have canines and b) I would have serious issues going to the bathroom, which I don't. Which brings us to the ultimate statement of truth:

Hey vegan eater
Maybe lentils are healthy
But cow tastes so good

Friday, February 27

Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.

Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:

Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig

Monday, January 26

I've spoken previously and candidly about my personal feelings on the subject of bad breath. In fact, I frequently discuss my feelings on this particular subject, because for some reason it seems like 80% of the population had a small animal die in their mouth last month and still haven't brushed their teeth:

Hey you, dragon breath
Please close your putrid mouth, it’s
Wilting my flowers

Saturday, January 24

Remember when you were an annoying kid who said annoying stuff like, "I know you are but what am I" or "I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you?" I hated you then and I hate you now and by the way 9 year-olds everywhere: I've heard it all - there's no nursery rhyme insult you can throw my way that won't get a comeback so why do you try:

Snotty little girl
You look like a monkey and
You smell like one too

Wednesday January 14: Reader Submission

We already heard from Jiji about her idiot parrot, and it turns out her sister seems to have pet problems as well. Khadine, who can also be found over at Life in Trinidad & Tobago, explains:

I had to leave my cat Chloe in Trinidad when I moved to Romania, she has
since adopted my sister. On my sister's blog, she spoke about MY cat biting her on her head,
my heart is broken....

As a result, I felt the need to write a lifeku too...

Why cat, why? Did you
see fit to bite her skull and
not mine? Traitor! Hmmph.

and of course, a subsequent lifeku about Romania:

Romania, No!
So eastern block I want my
cat and a MAC store

Thursday, January 8

Today's relifesolutionku goes out to my boys at Post Rejects, the funniest blog on the web besides this one. Seriously, if you don't read Post Rejects, you should. Immediately.

Resolution 5
I will not masterbate to
Those damn hot puffins

Tuesday, December 30

A couple of days after the holidays, some of the "living" gifts that you receive turn out to not be such great gifts, things such as Poinsettias (which, let's face it, don't work with all types of home decor), fruit cakes, which might as well be living, or the unforgivably forgettable gift: the cactus.

Ugly Christmas wreath
This is such a crappy gift

It smells like cat pee

Wednesday, December 24: Reader Submissions

Today's reader submission was sent in by Jiji, who tells you all about her crazy pets on her blog My Life in Trinidad and Tobago. She explains:

"We have a Parrot that is extremely unfriendly. We had her when she was almost still an egg and had to feed her in the middle of the night etc... NOW, she is big and stupid and bites and makes a lot of noise and doesn't want anyone to touch her (I have pix of her on my blog). So I made a Haiku about her...

Idiot Parrot
Why do you bite me up when
I am feeding you?

I'll cook her one of these days and tell my mum it's a malnourished Chicken."

Tuesday, December 16

Sometimes I don't fell like doing a long introduction, especially when the lifeku is self-explanatory. This may or may not be one of those times.

Curious monkey
Those are my private places
Get your hands off now

Thursday, December 4

Anyone who lives in a real city probably has their homeless "regulars." These are the homeless people that can always be found in the same place in your neighborhood, except for brief bouts where they disappear and you wonder if they died (you know it's true.) I had 2 regulars that "lived" downstairs from my old apartment in Brooklyn; we dubbed them "Crutch" (he only had one leg) and Snooze (he was always sleeping). In retrospect Snooze could have more appropriately been called "Smells Like Toilet" but I didn't think of that right away. Here in Paris, I have many regulars, including one I really like who talks to everyone with a lion puppet... At least he's providing some sort of entertainment. There was Sleepy McSleeperson, who was often but not always sleeping but regardless always looked really sleepy. There was Drunky McDrunkerson, who once threw a beer can at me and tried to spit on Maureen and was always on a state of constant angry slurring. I didn't like him so much. Then there's "The Crew" which consists of 5 guys, 7 dogs, and a battery powered radio who squat on the corner near the Franprix... Today's lifeku was inspired by my regulars:

Crazy homeless girl
You’re not holding your baby
It’s a dead pigeon

Tuesday, December 2

I often come across "cat women" (women with cats, which is different from "Cat Women" who look like cats, keep up people) who insist on wearing black and dark gray (it's slimming) even though they have what appears to be some sort of furry quilt covering their entire person. These women stand next to me on the metro, where I watch the cat hairs sway back and forth in the gentle breeze of the open window, just barely gripping the wool, taunting. I can help but recoil if the coat itself sways in my direction, as I am already losing the battle against Chloe's hair (my Yorkie.) But no amount of Chloe hair could ever compare to, say, a Himalayan, which sheds enough to coat your home in what appears to be very soft snow. Velcro-y snow. I understand that they love their animals and what not, but seriously, why not put things in a CLOSET. They have doors that close. And on the rare occasion that they live in a studio with no closet, they still have other options. It's as if they've never heard of hair removal, which is an idea that could very possibly make my mother's head explode, since my mother's #1 pet peeve is cat hair on clothes and furniture. Regardless of why, crazy cat ladies out there, this one goes out to you:

Disheveled woman
Here, have this lint roller for
Your coat of cat hair

Friday, November 28

As I've said before, sometimes one needs no introduction:

Fuzzy little lamb,
You don't want me to eat you?
Don't be so tasty

Wednesday, November 26

Yesterday morning I saw a woman on the metro taking her kids to school. (This particular woman happened to be Asian, but that doesn't relate to anything of importance for our purposes, I'm just letting you know for Jerry's sake) She was, say, somewhere in the black age hole of 38-61 and sitting with her very young children on the folding seats. I say "the black hole of age" because that's where women seem to fall these days. Take myself: I could be anywhere from 26 to 42, with people frequently mistaking me for someone in my mid thirties [insert depressed sigh]. For the record, I'm actually only 26. This woman, however, was more impossible to judge on age than an ambiguous adult-teenager that may or may not be jail bait, because the skin on her face was pulled so tight that I don't think she could actually physically close her eyelids. At all. I also suspect that she has difficulty smiling as well, since her mouth was so pulled and puffed with collagen that she looked like Gina Gershon through a magnifying glass. The best part of all of this was that she had "chosen" not to wear "make-up," which meant the giant white brow lift scars on her eyelids where visible to all. Classy.

Tight Botox woman
No expression on your face
You look like a cat

Friday, November 7

Today's lifeku goes out to a special certain someone, a someone who is perhaps the most horrible person I know, which is of course why I think he's hilarious. He's also kind of a whore:

Angry, bitter man
Kick a puppy yet today?
You’re going to hell