Let's face it, The Daily Lifeku is practically French... and not unlike the French, the Daily Lifeku takes the month of August for vacation. Please continue to send your reader submissions to dailylifeku@gmail.com since I'll be back in full force in September (also not unlike the French). In the meantime, marinate on this lifeku that is dedicated to my mom, who was attacked by a ferrel yet not ferrel abandoned psycho cat that happened to be rabies-free:
Oh no, Mom! Look out!
There's a cougar in Cape May
Cat Scratch Fever pills
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22: Reader Submission
Today's lifeku comes from Shea, who has issues with his mother-in-law:
My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!
Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake
My mother-in-law moved near us recently. Since you've never met her you can't possibly know that there are no words in any language in the world that can accurately explain her. This lifeku was inspired after a shopping trip I took with Satan herself!
Mean old nagging wench
Find something better to do
Or be thrown in lake
Tuesday, April 7
I recently stumbled upon this article about a boy who killed his father in his sleep, but was apparently sleepwalking and therefore not responsible for what he did. Personally, I don't know if I believe that, but it certainly makes you think twice about falling asleep with the door unlocked:Sleepwalking killer
Your dad should’ve locked the door
But you’re off scot-free
Saturday, March 28
***Today is the mother of Daughter's birthday. In my neck of the woods we call her "Moomie." Don't ask. So Happy Birthday Moomie!
In honor of Moomie's birthday, I decided to write a haiku about my personal feelings on canned tuna fish, or "chicken of the sea." If you don't get it, don't worry, she will.
Dear canned tuna fish
You are so rank and nasty
Keep away from me
In honor of Moomie's birthday, I decided to write a haiku about my personal feelings on canned tuna fish, or "chicken of the sea." If you don't get it, don't worry, she will.
Dear canned tuna fish
You are so rank and nasty
Keep away from me
Wednesday, March 11: Reader Submission
This week's reader submission comes from Fern, who tells us about the creative and resourceful methods her brother used to torture her growing up:
Dear older brother
Please stop farting in my mouth
Humiliation
Dear older brother
Please stop farting in my mouth
Humiliation
Friday, January 30
Sometimes, it's just better to not know the truth:
Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him
Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him
Friday, January 9
It's time to wrap up our resolution extravaganza with one final goodbye. We present to you, Resolution 6. We would have done a 7, but everyone knows that, like God, The Daily Lifeku rests on the seventh day.
Sometimes you guys start to get really comfortable at our parents' house. Like extra special super duper comfortable and your inner "manly man" starts to seep out as each layer of Degree dissolves from your sweaty pit. The following are NOT acceptable at our parents' house: entering kitchen with pants not fully closed, entering kitchen without proper butt covering for that matter, leaving bite marks in "common foods" such as cheese, drinking out of the carton, "displaying" your dirty sweat socks by laying them out on the hardwood floor, or showing my mom how loud you can belch.
Resolution 6
Will not act like homeless bum
At mother-in-laws
Sometimes you guys start to get really comfortable at our parents' house. Like extra special super duper comfortable and your inner "manly man" starts to seep out as each layer of Degree dissolves from your sweaty pit. The following are NOT acceptable at our parents' house: entering kitchen with pants not fully closed, entering kitchen without proper butt covering for that matter, leaving bite marks in "common foods" such as cheese, drinking out of the carton, "displaying" your dirty sweat socks by laying them out on the hardwood floor, or showing my mom how loud you can belch.
Resolution 6
Will not act like homeless bum
At mother-in-laws
Tuesday, January 6
For those of you turning 18 this year, the freedom is so close you can almost taste it. For those of you turning 30 and up, you are facing the unpleasant realization that it's time to go out into that great wide open and finally take care of yourself, you lazy slacker. In fact, your parents told me that you have until the end of this week to get your crap out so they can turn the basement room into that home gym they've always wanted:
Resolution 4
I will leave my parents house
Emancipation
Resolution 4
I will leave my parents house
Emancipation
Tuesday, December 30
A couple of days after the holidays, some of the "living" gifts that you receive turn out to not be such great gifts, things such as Poinsettias (which, let's face it, don't work with all types of home decor), fruit cakes, which might as well be living, or the unforgivably forgettable gift: the cactus.
Ugly Christmas wreath
This is such a crappy gift
It smells like cat pee
Friday, December 26
Tis the day after Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even my mom getting up to raid the leftover cookie platter. The dirty dishes and ashtrays were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that the cleaning lady soon would be there to mop up that accident I'd like to forget about. The parents were nestled all comatose in their beds, while visions of bad eggnog and yesterday's drunken relatives danced like nightmares in their pounding heads. And mamma still in her Christmas dress, and I in my cap, had just settled down over the toilet for a long winter's vomit followed by nap.
I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:
Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?
I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:
Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?
Merry Commercial Gift Giving Day
A very happy holidays to everyone from The Daily Lifeku:
Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents
Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents
Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents
Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents
Wednesday, December 10: Reader Submission
I've decided that Wednesday will be Reader Submission day from now on...so if you've got a lifeku, go ahead and send it in.
As I've said before, Maureen is lovely, but she is also a horrible person and totally proud of it. This is, of course, why I love her. Sometimes, however, she will take a pause from laughing at people who fall down to think of other people's feelings, for example her mother's feelings. Today's lifeku is about the sacrifices we make to protect our parents' feelings, in honor of the dreaded holiday season:
Mom, I love you, but
That tomato jelly you
Made was gross. Sorry
Note: It has previously been stated that Maureen will eat anything, so the maybe the tomato jelly wasn't so much of a sacrifice after all.
As I've said before, Maureen is lovely, but she is also a horrible person and totally proud of it. This is, of course, why I love her. Sometimes, however, she will take a pause from laughing at people who fall down to think of other people's feelings, for example her mother's feelings. Today's lifeku is about the sacrifices we make to protect our parents' feelings, in honor of the dreaded holiday season:
Mom, I love you, but
That tomato jelly you
Made was gross. Sorry
Note: It has previously been stated that Maureen will eat anything, so the maybe the tomato jelly wasn't so much of a sacrifice after all.
Happy Turkey Day
My whole family once went through this prolonged vegetarian phase. It started when my sister moved to San Fransisco and subsequently became vegetarian and then vegan. She brought home the trend, raving about the John Robbins The Food Revolution and spewing horrible details about how steak is born. Within weeks, she had my whole family on the vegetarian kick... some lasted longer than others. My mom held out at least 7 years for a BLT (I knew she would cave) and my sister kept it up until her pregnancy, when she asked me to buy her a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Thus ended the vegetarian reign.
Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth
UPDATE: Reader Submission
Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:
Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode
I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?
Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth
UPDATE: Reader Submission
Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:
Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode
I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?
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