What is a lifeku?

A lifeku is a haiku about daily life. For those who are unfamiliar with haiku, it is a form of Japanese poetry usually about nature, "profound," and formatted in 3 lines of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and 5 syllables. Feel free to check out some famous haikus if you still don't get it.

Comment. It'll make the popular kids like you.

Saturday, December 20


Ordinarily I should be waking up in the United States, in my Moomie's house feeling all sorts of comforted and warm and cozy. But I'm not. I am still in Paris. It is still cold and gray. Why am I here? You have good reason to ask this question, since any logical person would think to themselves, "I purchased my ticket 6 months ago, so I am flying on the plane pertaining to my ticket." Unfortunately, any logical person would be extremely wrong in thinking this, since clearly I am not on my plane. No no, when I arrived at the airport (3 and half hours early by the way) I was told that there were no more seats. I thought that was really funny, since my seats were already written on my reservation... but this is where it gets confusing because those seats that I chose when I made my purchase were not, in fact, my seats. They were "hypothetical" seats that I may or may not have recieved (in this case, not.) Air France explains that my seat was actually never mine and when I paid two grand for a ticket, I wasn't really "buying" anything. I was hypothetically reserving, just in case they felt like they might want to give it to me. After 6 hours on standby and not ever getting on the plane, I find myself at home again preparing to repeat the same process tomorrow a la Groundhog Day, with some Air France taxi vouchers and a "Compensation For Denied Bording" voucher for 800 euros. Yes it's really called that.

Fancy pants Air France
You sell things that you don’t have
Not unlike stealing

300 seats, yet
330 tickets
Where does that make sense

Woman at counter
I do not care if you’re chic
I will still hit you

Friday, December 19

Sometimes, people piss you off. So you do things, like send pizzas to their house or sign them up for email newsletters. Or other things...

When you were asleep
I farted right in your face
So who’s the man now?

Thursday, December 18

There's two homeless women that have lived in my neighborhood since I moved here. I suppose "live" isn't the best word, it's more like they "squat" in front of the BNP (a bank) on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays and in front of the dry cleaner across the street on Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. These two women have more stuff than any homeless people I have ever seen and can often be seen clutching their bags for dear life as they shoot you dirty looks when you walk by. The interesting part is that within their plethora of plastic bags, there is some useful crap like old clothes and shoes, but they both actively choose to remain barefoot and sleeveless even in January. Sometimes they squat across from each other, one at the bank and one at the dry cleaners, and yell crazies back and forth across the street, chucking the occasional aluminum can at pedestrians that interrupt them.

Hey crazy lady
Talk to yourself a little more
You’re barefoot, you know

Wednesday, December 17: Reader Submission

Today' we have a special treat, namely 2 reader submissions! The first comes from the lovely Megan, who is frequently accosted in public places:

Strange man in the bar
Your pick up line does not work
Get out of my face

Lifeku #2 comes from "Anonymous" with the delightful email address of "wouldntyouliketoknow@yahoo.com." For the sake of things, we'll just call him Gunther. Gunther apparently had a problem with my inadequacy lifeku probably stemming from the extremely high levels of truth. Gunther's frustration with the fact that he can't get it up has provoked him to reveal a little universal truth of his own:

Remember last night
I said you didn't look fat
In that dress? I lied.

Tuesday, December 16

Sometimes I don't fell like doing a long introduction, especially when the lifeku is self-explanatory. This may or may not be one of those times.

Curious monkey
Those are my private places
Get your hands off now

Monday, December 15

The holidays remind me of so many things: how much I hate Tysons Corner and teenagers who drive, my grandmother's sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows that I avoid like the plague, the Chinese restaurants that never close, the Christmas crowd at Clyde's... It's so much nostalgia that I don't know what to do to myself. Then, of course, there's always the "Company Christmas Party" that you have to factor in. It doesn't even matter if you work at a company, because chances are you know someone who does and you'll have to be their plus 1 anyway. The Company Christmas Party is one of those rare occasions where you are forced to see your asexual and self-deemed completely uninteresting colleagues in a non-work context, freed from their cubicle existence. This means that you will have to acknowledge their significant others, hobbies, possibly children, and of course, flagrant drinking problems:

One too many girl
You smell like a brewery
You’re starting to slur

Sunday Poll: December 14

Think Fast: Holiday Travel