Saturday, July 11

Just because it's summer, doesn't mean you have to let it all hang out:

Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears

Friday, June 5

Unflattering dress
Hugs the wrong places like an
Aquatic mammal

Wednesday, June 3: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Danielle, who not unlike me passes about 47% of her week on the Paris metro:

Fripsters* on the train
Your hair reeks of your own pee
But I like your shoes


*fripe (from the verb "friper" for crumple) refers to thrift and vintage stores in French

Friday, May 1

The other day on the metro I saw this elderly man dressed all dapper, done to the nines, and ready to go out. He was cool, he was a "cat," he was other terms from the 30's that I can't think of because it's too early. He was even rockin' a hat. I basically wanted to leave Chones and run away with him so we could do the Charleston together in underground moonshine bars, until I saw his magenta socks:





Cool daddy pink socks
Gonna be a wise guy, eh?
Do it on the fly

Monday, April 27

In the past year or so, my neighborhood has transformed into an ultra young super hip uber trendy hangout spot... especially for teenagers. Everyday when I go downstairs I find them in flocks and clusters giggling and flirting, with one or two stragglers that move between groups. Everyday I see their side-swept bangs which would more accurately be described as giant comb-overs and everyday I watch them send text messages to their friends who are standing but 20 feet away. And everyday, as it gets warmer, a rise in degree in temperature results in an inch rise of the skirt hem... it's not even "hot" yet and I am already seeing butt cheeks peeking out so I can only imagine what's going to happen when it's 90 degrees and humid outside. Maybe they just won't wear bottoms. At all. Then they can text about it. Sweet.

Trampy tween outside
Pulling up one's skirt so high
Gives out the goodies

Wednesday, April 1: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from "Anonymous".... an Anonymous who clearly resides in the DC Metro area:

Hey, Georgetown a-hole
Your sneer is eclipsed by that
Lame pink popped collar


PS: For those of you not familiar with Georgetown, I have provided this handy and informative photo of The Exorcist stairs

Wednesday, March 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Spencer who had to speak out, "in response to the alarming trend of sorority girls thinking that leggings constitute as appropriate bottom-wear." That's right, ladies, leggings do not replace pants and I must admit that I totally agree on Spencer with this one. He even included some helpful websites that explain why leggings and tights do not replace the need to get dressed:

Leggings but no pants.
Dear little sorostitute:
We all see your butt.




Tightsarenotpants.com
Dumbest Fashion Statements Ever
Leggings are not pants

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)

Saturday, January 17

I'm all for fashion... I love clothes and shoes and bags because I have a vagina. That's right. Sometimes, things that look really good are in fact totally impractical, like shoes that eat your feet, dresses you can't sit down in, those 70's pants that totally ride up your crotch... but somewhere, somehow, you can deal as long as you are causing your own discomfort. What is totally uncalled for, ladies, is my being accosted by your obnoxiously large and voluminous "ensemble."

Kimono sleeve dress
I don’t need to eat fabric
Control your wide arms

Wednesday, January 7: Reader Submissions

Today is Wednesday, also known as Reader Submission Day, also known as I Don't Have To Do Anything Day. In case you didn't know, The Daily Lifeku has a super cool Facebook Group and only people who suck don't join, and in this cool Facebook Group there is an even cooler Daily Lifeku Facebook Wall, where also only people who suck don't post. I have gathered some of the reader posts from This Wall to create the Ultimate Reader Submission Medley. Let's get it on:



From Matt:

Stupid little man
Wearing your pants at your chest
With suspenders, really?

From Javier:

Another year ends
And another year begins
WHERE ARE MY DAMN KEYS?

From Maurice:

First friday 0-9...
Trying to hit Guarapos...
Get my Salsa on...

From Barry:

Login incorrect
Only perfect spellers may
enter the system

Monday, December 22

I often see things that I don't understand... like pregnant women who go shopping with 4 children and then expect you to feel sorry for them because they are pregnant and have four children. I mean, hello, I didn't tie you up and rape you then force you to carry my seed to term 4 times, so how on earth is your predicament my fault? But alas, I digress. Other things I frequently see that don't make sense include: people dressed as large stuffed animals on roller blades, naked teenagers when it's snowing outside, cross dressing soccer hooligans, 7 year old children who take the metro by themselves, and women who insist on wearing open toed shoes even though the current state of their feet display a clear relation to a hobbit.

Ogre feet lady
You should sand down those bunions
When wearing peeptoes

Tuesday, December 2

I often come across "cat women" (women with cats, which is different from "Cat Women" who look like cats, keep up people) who insist on wearing black and dark gray (it's slimming) even though they have what appears to be some sort of furry quilt covering their entire person. These women stand next to me on the metro, where I watch the cat hairs sway back and forth in the gentle breeze of the open window, just barely gripping the wool, taunting. I can help but recoil if the coat itself sways in my direction, as I am already losing the battle against Chloe's hair (my Yorkie.) But no amount of Chloe hair could ever compare to, say, a Himalayan, which sheds enough to coat your home in what appears to be very soft snow. Velcro-y snow. I understand that they love their animals and what not, but seriously, why not put things in a CLOSET. They have doors that close. And on the rare occasion that they live in a studio with no closet, they still have other options. It's as if they've never heard of hair removal, which is an idea that could very possibly make my mother's head explode, since my mother's #1 pet peeve is cat hair on clothes and furniture. Regardless of why, crazy cat ladies out there, this one goes out to you:

Disheveled woman
Here, have this lint roller for
Your coat of cat hair

Thursday, November 20

Earlier today I saw a man in a suit backpacking in the metro. A man in his 50's. Backpacking. Isn't there a point where we acknowledge our actual age and stop carrying on like a bunch of whippersnappers? There are plenty of things that I would never wear because I am old enough to have my own "generational movie" (hello, The Wackness, you were my teenage), and I'm not even 30. Or conservative. So when I see what we'll call "a young grandmother" wearing what can only be referred to as the slutty equivalent of a onezie, I want to fight the violent cringing within and desperately run to them saying, "Please God cover that up! Pleaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!" Which obviously brings us to:

Trampy cougar, you’re
Not Forever 21
You shouldn’t shop there

Saturday, November 15

I think this one came to me when I was almost physically run over by at least 7 different quasi-blind, over-styled trendy boys:

Styled teenage boy
How can you even see with
Those bangs in your face

Tuesday, November 11

In my continuing fight against the feeling of being old, I am often set back when I encounter scantily clad teenage girls that seem to forget they are working:

You, skanky sales girl
“What can I do you for?” is
Not appropriate

Thursday, October 30

It's hard to bypass a slow, blue-haired old lady shuffling down the street. Especially when they have limited equilibrium and seem to slalom down the side walk:

Old lady beehive
That’s a lot of jewelry
No wonder you’re slow

Wednesday, October 29

Every time I walk outside, I am astonished at how many people are lacking the following items: full length mirror, thermometer and/or weather source, winter coat, and a properly sharpened eye pencil (that's a whole other subject all together). But those who impress me most are the youth of today. Particularly the youth of vaginal tendencies. That's right I'm talking about teenage girls. You know, the ones who are basically wearing dental floss in a snow storm and still think they're hot stuff? Maybe their youth serves as extra body heat, powering them through the long, cold winter months or maybe frostbite amputation is a hot new trend that I haven't heard about yet...


Naked teenage girl
Why don’t you put some clothes on?
It’s February

Saturday, October 18

Girl at the night club
Nobody needs to see that
Please put it away

Saturday, September 20

Hello camel toe
You wear your jeans far too tight
See how they ride up?