Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Friday, February 27
Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.
Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:
Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig
Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:
Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig
Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2
Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:
Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month
Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month
Monday, January 5
Resolutions continue! Let's start off the week with a deep clean feeling, that inner freshness that can only come from knowing he took his Valtrex:
Resolution 3
Procrastinate no longer
Take care of herpes
Resolution 3
Procrastinate no longer
Take care of herpes
Saturday, January 3
Since I've been back in the States for the holiday shopping massacre and what not, I have noticed that the quantity of people have conversations with themselves is multiplying at an exponential rate. We've already discussed how stupid you look, and New Year's is the perfect time to make a change for the better:
Resolution 2
I will not talk so loudly
With my bluetooth on
Resolution 2
I will not talk so loudly
With my bluetooth on
Friday, January 2
Welcome to 2009 everybody! For the first week of the new year, we here at the Daily Lifeku have put together some Daily Resolutions, obviously in haiku form.
Today's resolution starts off the week with a little recommendation for those of you who have seem to forgotten the lost art of bladder control. If you think that this only applies to 8 year olds and your weird mentally handicapped cousin you only see once a year, you would be very very wrong. Just in the month of December, I witnessed not one, but two pee-myself moments on the metro that had every person in the car shoving themselves against the edges:
Resolution 1
Next year I will not pee on
Myself in public
Today's resolution starts off the week with a little recommendation for those of you who have seem to forgotten the lost art of bladder control. If you think that this only applies to 8 year olds and your weird mentally handicapped cousin you only see once a year, you would be very very wrong. Just in the month of December, I witnessed not one, but two pee-myself moments on the metro that had every person in the car shoving themselves against the edges:
Resolution 1
Next year I will not pee on
Myself in public
Happy 2009!!
Happy New Year everybody! Let's begin 2009 with a very large bottle of water, and possibly some Gatorade and saltines from some... In honor of the most drunken night of the year, Maureen and I have put together a little trio of lifekus covering most possible New Year's situations. If we left out something that applies to you, write your own lifeku because we're hungover:
For those who didn't get any:
New Year's Eve Party
Alcohol-induced coma
I thought I'd get laid
For those who got some:
Where did you come from?
You looked much better last night
Stupid beer goggles
For those who don't remember:
The toilet's taken
So I decided to just
Puke in the shower
For those who didn't get any:
New Year's Eve Party
Alcohol-induced coma
I thought I'd get laid
For those who got some:
Where did you come from?
You looked much better last night
Stupid beer goggles
For those who don't remember:
The toilet's taken
So I decided to just
Puke in the shower
Tuesday, December 30
A couple of days after the holidays, some of the "living" gifts that you receive turn out to not be such great gifts, things such as Poinsettias (which, let's face it, don't work with all types of home decor), fruit cakes, which might as well be living, or the unforgivably forgettable gift: the cactus.
Ugly Christmas wreath
This is such a crappy gift
It smells like cat pee
Monday, December 29
We called for Reader Submission: Holiday Edition and received the oh-so-lovely legend of the non-existent newspaper. That is to say, a newspaper was ordered from said date to said date, yet said newspaper fails to appear when the date arrives. When asked, Cheryl explained:
No tip for Christmas
I just didn't feel like it
Bah humbug, news boy
No tip for Christmas
I just didn't feel like it
Bah humbug, news boy
Friday, December 26
Tis the day after Christmas and all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even my mom getting up to raid the leftover cookie platter. The dirty dishes and ashtrays were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that the cleaning lady soon would be there to mop up that accident I'd like to forget about. The parents were nestled all comatose in their beds, while visions of bad eggnog and yesterday's drunken relatives danced like nightmares in their pounding heads. And mamma still in her Christmas dress, and I in my cap, had just settled down over the toilet for a long winter's vomit followed by nap.
I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:
Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?
I think you are starting to get the point... this one goes out to every one of you who wishes you could hide your family in a deep dark closet and throw away the key, because sometimes we can't all just get along:
Why, family, why?
Must you insist on drinking
Till you Christmas hurl?
Merry Commercial Gift Giving Day
A very happy holidays to everyone from The Daily Lifeku:
Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents
Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents
Old creepy uncle
Don’t make me sit on your lap
I’ll tell my parents
Cheapskate relative
Don't bother coming next year
Socks are not presents
Wednesday, December 3: Reader Submission
After Thanksgiving, we are all moving into "holiday mode" with thoughts of the hell that is present shopping and glittery red and green bits in our faces everywhere we go. But before we begin hiding in our old bedrooms to avoid certain relatives, let us stop to reflect upon the grossness that managed to infiltrate so many Thanksgiving dinners. What am I talking about? I am talking about those unmentionables that nobody should eat ever, under any circumstances. Today's reader submission, was sent in by the lovely Maureen, who I happen to know will eat anything. Even Atkins pasta. Eww.
Why are you so good?
I know others don't like you
But I do. Giblets.
Why are you so good?
I know others don't like you
But I do. Giblets.
Happy Turkey Day
My whole family once went through this prolonged vegetarian phase. It started when my sister moved to San Fransisco and subsequently became vegetarian and then vegan. She brought home the trend, raving about the John Robbins The Food Revolution and spewing horrible details about how steak is born. Within weeks, she had my whole family on the vegetarian kick... some lasted longer than others. My mom held out at least 7 years for a BLT (I knew she would cave) and my sister kept it up until her pregnancy, when she asked me to buy her a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Thus ended the vegetarian reign.
Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth
UPDATE: Reader Submission
Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:
Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode
I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?
Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth
UPDATE: Reader Submission
Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:
Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode
I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?
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