Tuesday, May 5

Little girl eating
Chocolate fingers away
My white pants nightmare

Wednesday, April 15: Reader Submission

This weeks reader submission comes from Mike, who tells a tale of discomfort that we all have known:

"Thursday night was low key and uneventful and I merely went out after work to have some wings and a beer. I felt fine and passed out like a baby before midnight. But around 4am, I woke up to this sharp burning sensation in my stomach. It was only minutes later before I was out my back door begging for mercy."

Teriyaki wings
why torture me and start a
wretched barf-a-thon?

Acid mouth flavor
Where's my Listerine bottle?
Swish, Spit, Rinse, Repeat

Friday, April 10

In France, people use an exceptional amount of Franglais. This is the application of English words with a French accent in the middle of a French sentence. An example of this could be, "J'ai un super feeling avec les animaux" which means "I have a great feeling with animals." However, "I have a great feeling with animals" doesn't really mean the same thing in English, so this sentence could more appropriately be translated, "I get along well with animals." Another example of this Franglais can be noticed in the overusage of the word "hardcore" as in sentences like, "Putain, c'est trop hardcore" (meaning, "Sh** that's really hardcore). The French LOVE this word and will use it as often as possible.

When speaking Franglais, for some reason the speaker feels compelled to refer to everything in the plural such as un cookies, un muffins, or une chips (a cookies, a muffins, and a chips, respectively.) I've tried to explain that cookies can never be one, the "s" means by default there are at least 2, but they don't care. Now, having explained this Franglais business, I present for your approval the most bizarre of all Franglais mistakes:


That's right. Donut's. There not just inappropriately plural, they're possessive. These donut's own something and they're not letting go. Which brings us to:

Possessive donuts
You are not the boss of me
Let me live my life

Thursday, April 2

Woman on diet
Exhibit some self control
Stop. Don’t break the seal

Saturday, March 28

***Today is the mother of Daughter's birthday. In my neck of the woods we call her "Moomie." Don't ask. So Happy Birthday Moomie!

In honor of Moomie's birthday, I decided to write a haiku about my personal feelings on canned tuna fish, or "chicken of the sea." If you don't get it, don't worry, she will.

Dear canned tuna fish
You are so rank and nasty
Keep away from me

Friday, March 27

I'm sure you've all heard the interesting story of the Siberian woman who invited her friend out for a lovely evening, only to finish it by killing and eating her:

You thought we were friends
Girls night out really ends with
Cannibalism

Thursday, March 5

I know that I have previously mentioned my family's "Vegetarian Phase" that was sparked by my sister and led to the dreaded Tofurkey Thanksgiving. I know that I also mentioned that this particular phase ended for my sister when she was pregnant and absolutely had to have a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Now those of you who are loyal vegan-vegetarian-ghee-tofu-eaters may be asking, How? Why? How do you comsume flesh after a decade without it? I'll tell you how and why: because it tastes good. That's right. Animals are delicious, especially fuzzy little lambs. And don't start that "our intestines weren't made to digest meat" crap because a) we wouldn't have canines and b) I would have serious issues going to the bathroom, which I don't. Which brings us to the ultimate statement of truth:

Hey vegan eater
Maybe lentils are healthy
But cow tastes so good

Friday, February 27

Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.

Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:

Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 5

In preparation for tomorrow, we'd like to express our true feelings about some of Hallmark's lame Valentine's Day commercial prospects. We'd also like to add that under no circumstances should you ever, ever buy Russel Stover's chocolates. Ever.

Those heart shaped candies
with the printed words on them
are stupid like you

Sunday Poll: February 8

Think Fast: Coffee

Monday, February 2

I often say that I should have been a lesbian, but the truth is that I love men. Yes, I said it. What I don't love are men's habits... such as using my nail clippers as some sort of utility tool or washing their hair in the sink when there's totally a detachable shower head that is much easier to use. Oh, men, I never understand you. The best part is: a man will be totally grossed out if you forget to pluck the wrong hair or accidentally reveal that you too have human bodily functions, but the same man will wear the same t-shirt for 10 days and clean the dishes only when there are none left. I once knew a guy who's sink was home to a thriving civilization of maggots. They were evolving, approaching a golden age... I swear I saw them using tools...

Men who live with us
The food you leave out spawns life
Decontaminate

Friday, January 16

All of you have this friend. Maybe they're not a friend but more like a leftover acquaintance from your high school group or someone you just can't seem to get rid of, like hard water stains or shingles or chiggers. Or anything else that's really unpleasant. But for some reason you just can't bring yourself to delete them from your Facebook and tell them to F-off, so you reluctantly agree (after many wall comments and messages) to go for a drink and "catch up on old times" [wretch] when:

Lazy ass moocher
Quit going to the bathroom
When the check arrives

Wednesday, January 7: Reader Submissions

Today is Wednesday, also known as Reader Submission Day, also known as I Don't Have To Do Anything Day. In case you didn't know, The Daily Lifeku has a super cool Facebook Group and only people who suck don't join, and in this cool Facebook Group there is an even cooler Daily Lifeku Facebook Wall, where also only people who suck don't post. I have gathered some of the reader posts from This Wall to create the Ultimate Reader Submission Medley. Let's get it on:



From Matt:

Stupid little man
Wearing your pants at your chest
With suspenders, really?

From Javier:

Another year ends
And another year begins
WHERE ARE MY DAMN KEYS?

From Maurice:

First friday 0-9...
Trying to hit Guarapos...
Get my Salsa on...

From Barry:

Login incorrect
Only perfect spellers may
enter the system

Tuesday, December 30

A couple of days after the holidays, some of the "living" gifts that you receive turn out to not be such great gifts, things such as Poinsettias (which, let's face it, don't work with all types of home decor), fruit cakes, which might as well be living, or the unforgivably forgettable gift: the cactus.

Ugly Christmas wreath
This is such a crappy gift

It smells like cat pee

Wednesday, December 10: Reader Submission

I've decided that Wednesday will be Reader Submission day from now on...so if you've got a lifeku, go ahead and send it in.

As I've said before, Maureen is lovely, but she is also a horrible person and totally proud of it. This is, of course, why I love her. Sometimes, however, she will take a pause from laughing at people who fall down to think of other people's feelings, for example her mother's feelings. Today's lifeku is about the sacrifices we make to protect our parents' feelings, in honor of the dreaded holiday season:

Mom, I love you, but
That tomato jelly you
Made was gross. Sorry

Note: It has previously been stated that Maureen will eat anything, so the maybe the tomato jelly wasn't so much of a sacrifice after all.

Wednesday, December 3: Reader Submission

After Thanksgiving, we are all moving into "holiday mode" with thoughts of the hell that is present shopping and glittery red and green bits in our faces everywhere we go. But before we begin hiding in our old bedrooms to avoid certain relatives, let us stop to reflect upon the grossness that managed to infiltrate so many Thanksgiving dinners. What am I talking about? I am talking about those unmentionables that nobody should eat ever, under any circumstances. Today's reader submission, was sent in by the lovely Maureen, who I happen to know will eat anything. Even Atkins pasta. Eww.

Why are you so good?
I know others don't like you
But I do. Giblets.

Friday, November 28

As I've said before, sometimes one needs no introduction:

Fuzzy little lamb,
You don't want me to eat you?
Don't be so tasty

Happy Turkey Day

My whole family once went through this prolonged vegetarian phase. It started when my sister moved to San Fransisco and subsequently became vegetarian and then vegan. She brought home the trend, raving about the John Robbins The Food Revolution and spewing horrible details about how steak is born. Within weeks, she had my whole family on the vegetarian kick... some lasted longer than others. My mom held out at least 7 years for a BLT (I knew she would cave) and my sister kept it up until her pregnancy, when she asked me to buy her a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Thus ended the vegetarian reign.

Mom, the Tofurkey
Thanksgiving year was so gross
Vomit in my mouth




UPDATE: Reader Submission

Since Thanksgiving isn't over yet and we're all already 2 pants sizes larger, I thought I would go ahead and post these Thanksgiving lifekus sent in by Maureen:

Thanksgiving dinner
I ate way too much this year
About to explode

I should know better
Why am I still looking at
the dessert table?

Friday, November 14

Today's likefu goes out to a very special lady:

Your curried deviled
Eggs smell like bottled old fart
Please put them away

Tuesday, October 28

Those of you who don't actually know me may not get this one. It all started with my mom's gigantic silverwear, which you'll have to trust me when I say is the most enormous silverwear you have ever seen in your entire life. Ever. Clearly, it was designed for Giants, not humans. This conclusion led to my now popular Giant Impression, which obviously involves roasted babies since that's what giants eat. I would show you except that I would rather die than post a video of myself online:

Loud angry giant
I don’t have any sauce for
Your roasted babies