Friday, February 20

To celebrate of our first month with Obama and more importantly without Bush in 8 years, today's lifekus are in honor of all the stupid things we'll hopefully never hear from a president again. I dedicate February 20 as "Remember the Bushisms Day" so that we may never forget the dark times where our country was represented by a backwoods yokel, spewing ridiculous disinformation while managing to rape and murder all idioms and expressions. $20 says if you ask him, he thinks an idiom is someone stupid who didn't understand the need for The War on Terror (best title that means nothing, ever!).

The question I have always asked myself is: What is it like for Bush's speech writer? I mean seriously, this is a person behind the scenes who must obviously be good with words or he or she would have never gotten the job in the first place. Every day, I am sure he or she spell checked, reviewed, edited, and modified to give the illusion that our ex-pres was not, in fact, a bumbling idiom. That was on purpose. And every day, I am sure, the speech writer sat somewhere in a corner, shaking and holding his or herself whispering, "Just stick to the paper, W. Don't deviate this time. Please, please, for the love of God just read what I wrote." As the sorrowful tears streamed down trembling cheeks, W would say to himself. "You know what? I'm just gonna improvisationalize for personality's sake. Yeah, that's it." And another little piece of the Speech Writer died inside...

Moving on, I present to you: The Top 10 Bushisms With Accompanying Lifekus

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Grammar, who needs you?
Proverbs aren’t important
Cause I loves my guns

You know you love it
My nonsensical speeches
Let’s get some oil!

Oh, working mother
I didn’t understand you
Sorry, I’m stupid.

Thursday, February 19

Yesterday morning I saw one of those American tourists that makes me pretend I don't speak English. You know who I'm talking about: loud, obnoxious, slightly twangy southern accent, guide book, points at things, and asks how much this costs in "real money." [hangs head in shame] I figured he was going to McDonald's before making his obligatory stop at The Mona Lisa to complete his "Parisian Experience." In fact, I am almost positive that if you removed his North Face fleece, you most definitely find a t-shirt underneath with the words, "Git R Done." Honestly, tourists like that should be quarantined to Tennessee and Oklahoma, never to leave their precious amber waves of grain for fear of being spoken to in another language. [insert southern accent] "Hey, Pa! She's got a funny accent. Can we take her home and tie her up in the barn?"

Loud American
Lost on the Paris Metro
Watch your fannypack


PS: Is that not the most amazing picture ever?

Wednesday, February 18: Reader Submission

Much to my surprise and delight, reader submissions appear to be taking place on The Wall. I check them every few days to see what people are complaining about, and I'd like to share the two that made me chuckle recently:

The first one comes from Alfonso, who makes an extremely accurate and important point that I probably should have addressed in haiku form a while ago:

Stop clipping your nails
While standing right next to me
Dangerous AND gross



The second one comes from Maureen (AKA My Favorite Person In The World!) who basically speaks my mind whenever she opens her mouth:

Dumb Solicitor
No I don't want your product
It's useless like you

Tuesday, February 17

Sometimes in the morning rush of the metro, when my body merges with what I like to call "The Human Cube," I go to my special place, my happy place. I just close my eyes and pretend I don't have 4 other people pressed up against me and one of them didn't brush their teeth. I normally look up towards the ceiling, because as French people are short, that is where there is the most air. Some of these times in the morning, I am wrenched out of my safe and happy place by an unsettling noise followed by a violently rotten odor. In these situations, everybody puts on their Not Guilty Face and begins to glance around in failed attempts to find the culprit. Except for sometimes, it's so obviously one person that you can't stop giggling to yourself while at the same time covering your face with your pashmina as to avoid suffocating:


Not so stealthy guy
I totally just heard you
Let a fat one rip

Monday, February 16

After our Valentine's Day love fest, I couldn't help but to stop and think of those desperately in need. Of sex. That's right, you know who I am talking about: A customer service rep, the woman at the French Embassy, that creepy sales guy at Best Buy - none of them have gotten any since the 70's and oh does it show. Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who really, really need to get laid so you can drop the raunchy attitude:

Grumpy old lady
Did you forget about sex?
You really need some

Grumpier old man
Let me introduce you to
Grumpy old lady

Sunday Poll: February 15

I spent this Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day Haiku Grande Finale

Maureen and I had originally prepared some lifekus for the Valentine's Day Grande Finale, which would obviously be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:

Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.

Here, have a look:Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:

Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out

and of course, Part II:

Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 5

In preparation for tomorrow, we'd like to express our true feelings about some of Hallmark's lame Valentine's Day commercial prospects. We'd also like to add that under no circumstances should you ever, ever buy Russel Stover's chocolates. Ever.

Those heart shaped candies
with the printed words on them
are stupid like you

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 4

Do you have an ex that you hate so much that you wish them pain and suffering for the rest of his (or her) life? If you said "no" you're obviously a big fat liar because we all do. Today's lifeku is for those times when you just need to know that he's alone, unhappy, and hopefully crying softly to himself in a corner somewhere. Ahhh.... good stuff.

Ha ha ex-boyfriend
I know you are still single
I facebook stalked you.

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 3

Often times we “present” the version of ourselves that we think the opposite sex will find most attractive. The problem with this is that it’s extremely difficult to keep the act going once you start spending a certain amount of time with a person. Have you ever made a shocking or uber gross discovery about the one you were making the makey with? Yes, making the makey.

At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2

Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:

Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 1

In honor of the most hated Hallmark holiday, we here at The Daily Lifeku are kicking off a week long extravaganza dedicated to Valentine's Day debacles and retarded love. Today’s lifeku goes out to everyone who thought they had found “the one” only to find out two or three months later that “the one” was in fact a total “nut job.”

You were perfection
Then you wore my underwear
Super crazy guy

Sunday Poll: February 8

Think Fast: Coffee

Saturday, February 7

I totally wrote this haiku about Joy Division before having seen this article and this article which apparently predict some sort of imminent comeback that I hope will never happen. For those of you who did not attend an angsty/punk/hardcore/goth/straight edge high school like myself, you can read the Wikipedia article on Joy Division here. Think "The Cure" or "The Smiths" but more depressing and angsty, if that's possible...

Lonely man drinking
Have this Joy Division tape
And a razor blade

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)

Thursday, February 5

I live in France, so I have become accustomed to less than perfect teeth (not for myself, of course). The French don't believe that it's "healthy" to do certain things like "whiten" and "crown." They do wear braces and do root canals, which is more than I can say for the English who probably have the most fugly trifling grills I have ever seen. Ever.

When I talk to you
All I ever notice is
Your stank nasty teeth

Wednesday, February 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Norman, who was basically on haiku fire:

Often when I speak

I upset someone when I
only want to play.

This is more fun than
writing short blurbs on facebook
that don't mean a thing.

Only yesterday,
I couldn't spell Haiku, but
today I am one.

The Haiku rockstar's
tour bus is filled with girls and
imagination.

Tuesday, February 3

This lifeku originally applied to my father, who can explain Stephan Hawking's "A Breif History of Time" to an 8 year old and calculate 246 x 5348 in his head, but who cannot walk in a straight line. With age and experience, I have concluded that this is not just my father, but in fact an entire sector of the population. Apparently, a whole freaking lot of you can't walk in a straight line. When I am walking down the street, in the metro, even at the airport I always like to play a little game where I follow the yellow line... do I think I am in the Wizard of Oz? Maybe, but that's not important right now. What is important is the number of people walking in S formation, who have the balls to bump into me and give me this look that says: "Can't you see I have no equilibrium? It's totally your responsibility to get out of my way." Um, no it's not.

Unbalanced woman
You push me because you walk
Diagonally

Monday, February 2

I often say that I should have been a lesbian, but the truth is that I love men. Yes, I said it. What I don't love are men's habits... such as using my nail clippers as some sort of utility tool or washing their hair in the sink when there's totally a detachable shower head that is much easier to use. Oh, men, I never understand you. The best part is: a man will be totally grossed out if you forget to pluck the wrong hair or accidentally reveal that you too have human bodily functions, but the same man will wear the same t-shirt for 10 days and clean the dishes only when there are none left. I once knew a guy who's sink was home to a thriving civilization of maggots. They were evolving, approaching a golden age... I swear I saw them using tools...

Men who live with us
The food you leave out spawns life
Decontaminate

Sunday Poll: February 1

Driving makes me feel...

Saturday, January 31

Have you ever been driving down the road only to have a Cadillac cut in front of you and slow down to 7 mph? You squint, looking closer, trying to identify this infuriating person in front of you, but all you see are two sets of knuckles on the wheel... and you know. You know that you are officially trapped behind a senior citizen, not unlike your grandmother, and you must wait there because nobody can make an old person do something they don't want to do. That's a fact. Look it up. If you honk or tailgate, you're a bully. Nobody wants to be deemed "old lady bully" like that kid who mugged Rosa Parks. Do you think he ever lived that down? I doubt it.

Old lady driving
See that pedal on the right?
Accelerator

Friday, January 30

Sometimes, it's just better to not know the truth:

Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him

Thursday, January 29

I'm sure that certain half-Korean people will think that this lifeku is aimed directly at them, but in fact it has nothing to do with anyone I know. I stumbled upon it by chance (we will discuss my stumbling problem at a later date) and almost peed my pants. You can check the article here.

Hardcore, I think not
Korean Special Warfare
Command. Gay, maybe?

Wednesday, January 28: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Oralia in East Bay, California:

"I stumbled-upon the daily lifeku last night, and thank god. I work at a photography studio using photoshop all day, and I wrote 6 work inspired haikus throughout the day. Please enjoy my two favorites, and if you are a cs geek like me - I hope you especially appreciate them."

I know photoshop
I'll liquify your arm fat
You wont even know.

What's wrong with this brush
I need to mask out your bags
Opacity, Whoops.

Tuesday, January 27

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm talking about:

Fancy pants fat cat
Stop acting like a gangster
It’s not the 30’s

Monday, January 26

I've spoken previously and candidly about my personal feelings on the subject of bad breath. In fact, I frequently discuss my feelings on this particular subject, because for some reason it seems like 80% of the population had a small animal die in their mouth last month and still haven't brushed their teeth:

Hey you, dragon breath
Please close your putrid mouth, it’s
Wilting my flowers

Sunday Poll: January 25

Think Fast: Public Transportation

Saturday, January 24

Remember when you were an annoying kid who said annoying stuff like, "I know you are but what am I" or "I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you?" I hated you then and I hate you now and by the way 9 year-olds everywhere: I've heard it all - there's no nursery rhyme insult you can throw my way that won't get a comeback so why do you try:

Snotty little girl
You look like a monkey and
You smell like one too

Friday, January 23

Sometimes people assume that these haikus are about me. They're not, they're about life in general, hence the name "life-ku." Actually, sometimes I totally write them about you. Yes, you.

How would you like it
If I told them all about
Your incontinence

Thursday, January 22

Today's lifeku is about a subject that has long since annoyed me... Namely the gross misusage of the English language. I could go off on a rant about the French and how it's impossible to order "one cookies" but I'll save that for later and instead focus on the myriad of idiots that you and I both went to high school with:

Suburban slang kid
Conversate is not a word
Edumacation

PS: For those of you who are stupid idiots just waiting to tell me "misusage" isn't a word, you can check the dictionary definition right here. Snap.