Today's lifeku goes out to a special certain someone, a someone who is perhaps the most horrible person I know, which is of course why I think he's hilarious. He's also kind of a whore:
Angry, bitter man
Kick a puppy yet today?
You’re going to hell
Thursday, November 6
Today's lifeku is yet another facet of the previously mentioned "Human Cube" and resulting air quality:
Morning commute guy
Do you bathe in Cool Water?
I need oxygen
Morning commute guy
Do you bathe in Cool Water?
I need oxygen
Wednesday, November 5
Sometimes I wish there was an easy way in French to say, "I dare you to do that again." They say "cap" or "pas cap" which is for are you capable or not capable, which basically sucks the balls that I don't have. Alas, I am left to fester in bitterness over my daily interactions, hoping that I don't one day punch an old lady in the face:
Extra rude lady
I double dog dare you to
Push me one more time
Extra rude lady
I double dog dare you to
Push me one more time
Formation Civique
Today I had my formation civique, which is a mandatory full day of learning fun required by France for immigrants to get their papers. We spend 8 fun filled hours learning all about the magnificent principles of The Republic, what's legal and not legal, the ideas behind democracy and socialism, and the subsequent changes some immigrants will need to adjust to.There were two question and answer periods, the first pertaining to the government and boring crap like that (FYI France has regions, departments, and communes, and I still don't understand the difference between them). The second Q&A pertained to citizen's rights and human rights, which apparently really need to be spelled out for certain people from certain Middle Eastern and African countries where it happens to be legal to beat and circumcise your wife. I won't name names.
This horrendously long day inspired many lifekus, so I've decided to put together a little something I like to call the Civique Formation Series:
Part I: Morning
Monotonous drawl
You might really be able
To bore me to death
Crafty Chinese Boy
Way to get away with
The stealthy headphones
Canadian girl
Why don't you know your own
Independence Day?
Unpleasant woman
Pull that crap with me again
And I'll pop you one
Part II: Afternoon
Man in the back, no
You can't hit your wife in France
Because she talked back
Other man in back
It's always illegal to
Hit your wife in France
Yet more men in back
Polygamy is also
Illegal in France
Formation Civique
Useless French information
My whole day wasted
Fin.
Monday, November 3
I love how when people have been drinking they suddenly assume that you have become deaf. And possibly 2 feet further away than you really are:
Boisterous loud man
I’m standing right next to you
You don’t have to yell
Boisterous loud man
I’m standing right next to you
You don’t have to yell
Saturday, November 1
This one goes out to all of you (mostly men, but some of you vaginal species are in there too) who are missing the Brain-To-Mouth-Filter. What is that? It's the filter that stops idiotic sentences from spewing out your mouth the moment you think them. The filter that nudges you with a little, "Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that." Ahhh, yes that filter. The one that so many of you seem to be missing:
Inappropriate
Guy, can you ever control
Your big fat loud mouth?
Inappropriate
Guy, can you ever control
Your big fat loud mouth?
Happy Halloween
In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I would dedicate a lifeku to one of my most favorite characters in existence: The Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist. Oh how I love you and your cute crazy rantings! What's that? You don't believe in AIDS? Awesome.
Weird paranoid guy
The man is still watching you
Shh, did you hear that?
Weird paranoid guy
The man is still watching you
Shh, did you hear that?
Thursday, October 30
It's hard to bypass a slow, blue-haired old lady shuffling down the street. Especially when they have limited equilibrium and seem to slalom down the side walk:
Old lady beehive
That’s a lot of jewelry
No wonder you’re slow
Old lady beehive
That’s a lot of jewelry
No wonder you’re slow
Wednesday, October 29
Every time I walk outside, I am astonished at how many people are lacking the following items: full length mirror, thermometer and/or weather source, winter coat, and a properly sharpened eye pencil (that's a whole other subject all together). But those who impress me most are the youth of today. Particularly the youth of vaginal tendencies. That's right I'm talking about teenage girls. You know, the ones who are basically wearing dental floss in a snow storm and still think they're hot stuff? Maybe their youth serves as extra body heat, powering them through the long, cold winter months or maybe frostbite amputation is a hot new trend that I haven't heard about yet...
Naked teenage girl
Why don’t you put some clothes on?
It’s February
Naked teenage girl
Why don’t you put some clothes on?
It’s February
Tuesday, October 28
Those of you who don't actually know me may not get this one. It all started with my mom's gigantic silverwear, which you'll have to trust me when I say is the most enormous silverwear you have ever seen in your entire life. Ever. Clearly, it was designed for Giants, not humans. This conclusion led to my now popular Giant Impression, which obviously involves roasted babies since that's what giants eat. I would show you except that I would rather die than post a video of myself online:
Loud angry giant
I don’t have any sauce for
Your roasted babies
Loud angry giant
I don’t have any sauce for
Your roasted babies
Monday, October 27
There are many things that disturb me about Sarah Palin. In fact, her very existence disturbs me. But with all her crazy republican quasi-nazi conservative beliefs, I am still baffled by the fact that someone who lives in Alaska would vote against putting the polar bear on the endangered species list. Obviously, I concluded that it's because she eats polar bear for dinner, then brushes her teeth with polar bear fat before going to sleep on her polar bear sheets. That must be it.
Hey Sarah Palin,
Why don’t you build a house with
Those Polar Bear pelts
Hey Sarah Palin,
Why don’t you build a house with
Those Polar Bear pelts
Friday, October 24
You know what I hate? Guys who cry about stuff. That's right, I said it. I was once with a guy who cried all of the time over the stupidest crap you could ever imagine. This only cemented my hatred of pity party crybabies, which bring us to:
Uh oh pussy pants
Why don't you cry about it
You throw like a girl
Uh oh pussy pants
Why don't you cry about it
You throw like a girl
Thursday, October 23
I hate mumbling almost as much as I hate super gross limp handshakes [shudder]. But seriously, how hard is it to pronounce your words when you speak?
Monotone mumbles
Nobody understands you
Enunciation
Monotone mumbles
Nobody understands you
Enunciation
Wednesday, October 22
Before I moved to Paris, land of discretion, I spent 4 years living in Brooklyn, land of whatever the opposite of discreet is. Today's lifeku is thanks to many sleepless nights of ghetto ass screaming and a particularly eerie ice cream truck that always passed at exactly 4:30 am, with the music playing mind you. I mean who eats ice cream at 4 in the morning? In January? Whatever. Here's the lifeku:
Girl yelling outside
He's not your baby's daddy
You're making a scene
Girl yelling outside
He's not your baby's daddy
You're making a scene
Tuesday, October 21
Single ladies everywhere, you know where I'm coming from. That cute guy from the club would actually really dig it if you would toss his salad while he wears your panties. You nod and smile; thinking that if you can just make it to the kitchen, you can get the hell out of there before he ever knows what happened:
Weird fantasy guy
There’s no way I’m wearing that
Get out of my house
Weird fantasy guy
There’s no way I’m wearing that
Get out of my house
By popular request...
Readers may now submit their own lifekus, just use the submission form in the right column or email dailylifeku@gmail.com
Please no foul language and no racist jokes. Even you Jerry.
Please no foul language and no racist jokes. Even you Jerry.
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