Hirsute shirtless man
Your chest is like a sweater
Don’t you have heat stroke?
Thursday, May 7
I love how "the media" has become like a living entity... that compulsively lies and skews information to manipulate the public. Take my new best friend Swine Flu, for example. As if Bird Flu wasn't enough, now they want you to put down that delicious marinated chicken breast and while you're at it, don't touch that tasty bacon. Of course I wouldn't know that bacon is tasty, as Jews don't eat bacon and I definitely didn't eat bacon with my french toast at the diner the other day. No no, that was just someone who looks like me.
Be very afraid
New swine flu hysteria
Quick! Buy this new cure
Be very afraid
New swine flu hysteria
Quick! Buy this new cure
Wednesday, May 6
Today's reader submission comes from Buzz, a loyal lifekuer with a special love for syllables. I think you will all find he speaks the Truth:
Dude with the new wheels
We are all truly impressed
Learn to drive a-hole
Challenges surround
Pissed off and low on patience
What would Cheryl do?
Dude with the new wheels
We are all truly impressed
Learn to drive a-hole
Challenges surround
Pissed off and low on patience
What would Cheryl do?
Friday, May 1
The other day on the metro I saw this elderly man dressed all dapper, done to the nines, and ready to go out. He was cool, he was a "cat," he was other terms from the 30's that I can't think of because it's too early. He was even rockin' a hat. I basically wanted to leave Chones and run away with him so we could do the Charleston together in underground moonshine bars, until I saw his magenta socks:
Cool daddy pink socks
Gonna be a wise guy, eh?
Do it on the fly
Cool daddy pink socks
Gonna be a wise guy, eh?
Do it on the fly
Thursday, April 30
This one goes out to every single one of you who has pushed me in the morning:
It’s 8:49
We’re all super late for work
You think you’re special?
It’s 8:49
We’re all super late for work
You think you’re special?
Wednesday, April 29: Reader Submission
Today's reader submission comes from Scott, who can be found over at ScottStories. I don't think it needs much of an introduction, considering we've all been there:
Tequila with ice
Okay, maybe just one more
I will never learn
Tequila with ice
Okay, maybe just one more
I will never learn
Tuesday, April 28
This morning, I was gently stalking people on Facebook, seeing what they're up to, how many pictures of their kids they've posted, drunk clubbing photos etc... and I noticed a little trend. A presence, if you will. A presence of bad spelling. Words like "suceed," "its" with no apostrophe yet still meaning "it is," "desribe," a genuine lack of understanding between "affect" and "effect," and all sorts of grammatical rapings that make it seem like someone shouldn't have graduated high school...
Facebook friend of mine
We all know you have spell check
Why don't you use it?
Facebook friend of mine
We all know you have spell check
Why don't you use it?
Monday, April 27
In the past year or so, my neighborhood has transformed into an ultra young super hip uber trendy hangout spot... especially for teenagers. Everyday when I go downstairs I find them in flocks and clusters giggling and flirting, with one or two stragglers that move between groups. Everyday I see their side-swept bangs which would more accurately be described as giant comb-overs and everyday I watch them send text messages to their friends who are standing but 20 feet away. And everyday, as it gets warmer, a rise in degree in temperature results in an inch rise of the skirt hem... it's not even "hot" yet and I am already seeing butt cheeks peeking out so I can only imagine what's going to happen when it's 90 degrees and humid outside. Maybe they just won't wear bottoms. At all. Then they can text about it. Sweet.
Trampy tween outside
Pulling up one's skirt so high
Gives out the goodies
Trampy tween outside
Pulling up one's skirt so high
Gives out the goodies
Saturday, April 25
Today's lifeku is dedicated to all of you users of the following phrases:
Overrated smarts
I don’t need your fancy talk
Learning is stupid
- "I don't need no..."
- "I don't got none..."
- "I don't want no..."
- "I'm gonna get me some."
Overrated smarts
I don’t need your fancy talk
Learning is stupid
Friday, April 24
I have frequently expressed my personal feelings on the Human Cube that is the Paris Metro in the morning... the other day, while I was being compressed between a woman with way too much perfume and an adolescent listening to Rihanna & T.I's "Live your life" way too loud on his iPod (yes, his), when I noticed the man in front of me had begun huffing and puffing in a most disgruntled way. He shimmied his shoulders with a look of panic, not unlike a battered wife, and began looking around at all of the horrible people who were clearly abusing his personal metro space. At this point he began muttering to himself, making annoyed little comments about how people "are" these days.
May I point out that while all of this is going on there's a pregnant woman behind me who can barely breathe and a 10 year old late for school who has one leg balanced on the door frame in an attempt to create more space, not to mention the fact that the movement Disgruntled Man's shoulder shimmy was primarily ricocheting onto my face. After about 4 metro stops like this, he began to raise his "distress level," by which of course I mean "volume." The huffing and puffing turned into a whiny tantrum as he pushed his body in all directions trying to just get the Parisians off of him... except: this man clearly neglected to make the basic observation that THE PARIS METRO IS FULL DURING MORNING COMMUTE. He failed to acknowledge that he is in no way special, and in no way deserves more space than the 80 year-old woman who is holding her cane against the ceiling so that it doesn't get randomly thrown out of the train car.
People like this make me crazy. Or perhaps I should say amused, because it's not worth the effort to go crazy (or as we say in French pete les plombs). People who feel that they are superior enough to get their panties all in a bunch when they are treated just like everyone else, but at the same time don't have the money or initiative to take a taxi. Or walk. Or ride a bike. I mean seriously, Paris isn't that big. Which of course brings us to:
Whiny metro turd
I cannot create more space
Where there is none left
May I point out that while all of this is going on there's a pregnant woman behind me who can barely breathe and a 10 year old late for school who has one leg balanced on the door frame in an attempt to create more space, not to mention the fact that the movement Disgruntled Man's shoulder shimmy was primarily ricocheting onto my face. After about 4 metro stops like this, he began to raise his "distress level," by which of course I mean "volume." The huffing and puffing turned into a whiny tantrum as he pushed his body in all directions trying to just get the Parisians off of him... except: this man clearly neglected to make the basic observation that THE PARIS METRO IS FULL DURING MORNING COMMUTE. He failed to acknowledge that he is in no way special, and in no way deserves more space than the 80 year-old woman who is holding her cane against the ceiling so that it doesn't get randomly thrown out of the train car.
People like this make me crazy. Or perhaps I should say amused, because it's not worth the effort to go crazy (or as we say in French pete les plombs). People who feel that they are superior enough to get their panties all in a bunch when they are treated just like everyone else, but at the same time don't have the money or initiative to take a taxi. Or walk. Or ride a bike. I mean seriously, Paris isn't that big. Which of course brings us to:
Whiny metro turd
I cannot create more space
Where there is none left
Thursday, April 23
This one goes out to everyone who's ever fallen down in public, myself definitely included:
Face-planting wonder
Oooh that looks like it hurt bad
Gravity's a bitch
Face-planting wonder
Oooh that looks like it hurt bad
Gravity's a bitch
Wednesday, April 22: Reader Submission
Today's reader submission comes from Liza, who has something to say to all of you inconsistent highway drivers out there:
"To the people who have no idea how to keep a consistent speed on the highway: "
Annoying driver
stop playing car tag with me
cruise control, use it.
"To the people who have no idea how to keep a consistent speed on the highway: "
Annoying driver
stop playing car tag with me
cruise control, use it.
Tuesday, April 21
I was stumbling my life away, as usual, when I came across this interesting story of a Norweigan- highway-sex-crash, which seems rather adventurous... but then again I suppose there's not that much to do in Norway in winter without freezing your face off, so people probably need to create some action for themselves.
Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact
Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact
Friday, April 17
I recently stumbled upon this video of how Disney rips off their own previous animations for new ones... it's pretty bad. I guess people just aren't that creative anymore because it's almost the exact same drawings, not unlike that video that compares Forrest Gump and Benjamin Button. Yes. That is a truthful video.
Same Disney repeat
Can't you guys draw something new?
Self-copyright theft
Same Disney repeat
Can't you guys draw something new?
Self-copyright theft
Thursday, April 16: Reader Submission
I know that Wednesday is Reader Submission Day, but this one was too good to wait another 3 weeks for an open space... In response to my post about Franglais and the now-famous possessive donut's, Chris has decided to enlighten us on the subject of Denglisch. Now all we're missing is Spanglish... anyone got a Spanglish lifeku??
Chris explains:
"I hardcore have super feelings about your Franglais frustrations. Germans do the same thing. It's called 'Denglisch' and it's quite silly. While there are numerous examples, such as the ubiquitous 'Handy,' their word for 'cell phone,' and 'Happyend,' a literary term used to describe the plot arcs of American cinema, I think the universally premier example of Denglisch is their word for 'hip hop':
'Black Music.'
I kid you not. I can only wonder how many dorky German exchange students have gotten the snot beaten out of them in the States, when, on a Saturday night in their adopted home of Hotlanta or Chi-Town, they ask with great earnesty where they might go to dance to some Black Music."
Germans, please take note:
A 'happy ending' is not
what you think it is.
Hip-hop in Stuttgart
The kids call it 'Black Music'
But not in Oakland!
Of course, the phenomenon works through reverse culture shock, too. For a while I seasoned my English with German-like grammar and vocabulary. But it's been too long since I was there...
My Denglisch is gone
No longer, trips to the store,
"Going einkaufing!"
Chris explains:
"I hardcore have super feelings about your Franglais frustrations. Germans do the same thing. It's called 'Denglisch' and it's quite silly. While there are numerous examples, such as the ubiquitous 'Handy,' their word for 'cell phone,' and 'Happyend,' a literary term used to describe the plot arcs of American cinema, I think the universally premier example of Denglisch is their word for 'hip hop':
'Black Music.'
I kid you not. I can only wonder how many dorky German exchange students have gotten the snot beaten out of them in the States, when, on a Saturday night in their adopted home of Hotlanta or Chi-Town, they ask with great earnesty where they might go to dance to some Black Music."
Germans, please take note:
A 'happy ending' is not
what you think it is.
Hip-hop in Stuttgart
The kids call it 'Black Music'
But not in Oakland!
Of course, the phenomenon works through reverse culture shock, too. For a while I seasoned my English with German-like grammar and vocabulary. But it's been too long since I was there...
My Denglisch is gone
No longer, trips to the store,
"Going einkaufing!"
Wednesday, April 15: Reader Submission
This weeks reader submission comes from Mike, who tells a tale of discomfort that we all have known:
"Thursday night was low key and uneventful and I merely went out after work to have some wings and a beer. I felt fine and passed out like a baby before midnight. But around 4am, I woke up to this sharp burning sensation in my stomach. It was only minutes later before I was out my back door begging for mercy."
Teriyaki wings
why torture me and start a
wretched barf-a-thon?
Acid mouth flavor
Where's my Listerine bottle?
Swish, Spit, Rinse, Repeat
"Thursday night was low key and uneventful and I merely went out after work to have some wings and a beer. I felt fine and passed out like a baby before midnight. But around 4am, I woke up to this sharp burning sensation in my stomach. It was only minutes later before I was out my back door begging for mercy."
Teriyaki wings
why torture me and start a
wretched barf-a-thon?
Acid mouth flavor
Where's my Listerine bottle?
Swish, Spit, Rinse, Repeat
Monday, April 13
This is a Chateau. A French Chateau. A French Chateau where I just spent the night for the wedding of a friend, during which all sorts of shenanigans took place. Some of these shenanigans were fun, some were dangerous, and some were just plain inappropriate.
When you are staying in a chateau with 100 wedding guests, including the majority of your friends, you don't necessarily tell yourself that you need to sleep with the door locked... and you are making a terrible mistake. Because it's possible that you will be awoken at 6:30 in the morning by 30 people singing and chanting in your room, including some random guy you've never seen playing a guitar in the corner. These people might yell at you, taunt you, make several failed attempts to expose your naked body from under the covers... and you may choose not to speak to them for a little while....
Drunk thirty-somethings
Champagne to the sleeping face
Inappropriate
Friday, April 10
In France, people use an exceptional amount of Franglais. This is the application of English words with a French accent in the middle of a French sentence. An example of this could be, "J'ai un super feeling avec les animaux" which means "I have a great feeling with animals." However, "I have a great feeling with animals" doesn't really mean the same thing in English, so this sentence could more appropriately be translated, "I get along well with animals." Another example of this Franglais can be noticed in the overusage of the word "hardcore" as in sentences like, "Putain, c'est trop hardcore" (meaning, "Sh** that's really hardcore). The French LOVE this word and will use it as often as possible.
When speaking Franglais, for some reason the speaker feels compelled to refer to everything in the plural such as un cookies, un muffins, or une chips (a cookies, a muffins, and a chips, respectively.) I've tried to explain that cookies can never be one, the "s" means by default there are at least 2, but they don't care. Now, having explained this Franglais business, I present for your approval the most bizarre of all Franglais mistakes:
That's right. Donut's. There not just inappropriately plural, they're possessive. These donut's own something and they're not letting go. Which brings us to:
Possessive donuts
You are not the boss of me
Let me live my life
When speaking Franglais, for some reason the speaker feels compelled to refer to everything in the plural such as un cookies, un muffins, or une chips (a cookies, a muffins, and a chips, respectively.) I've tried to explain that cookies can never be one, the "s" means by default there are at least 2, but they don't care. Now, having explained this Franglais business, I present for your approval the most bizarre of all Franglais mistakes:
That's right. Donut's. There not just inappropriately plural, they're possessive. These donut's own something and they're not letting go. Which brings us to:
Possessive donuts
You are not the boss of me
Let me live my life
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