Wednesday, May 27: Reader Submission

This weeks reader submission comes from Nancy, wgo tells us about her debacle in The Dam:

When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:

Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.

In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.

Thursday, April 16: Reader Submission

I know that Wednesday is Reader Submission Day, but this one was too good to wait another 3 weeks for an open space... In response to my post about Franglais and the now-famous possessive donut's, Chris has decided to enlighten us on the subject of Denglisch. Now all we're missing is Spanglish... anyone got a Spanglish lifeku??

Chris explains:

"I hardcore have super feelings about your Franglais frustrations. Germans do the same thing. It's called 'Denglisch' and it's quite silly. While there are numerous examples, such as the ubiquitous 'Handy,' their word for 'cell phone,' and 'Happyend,' a literary term used to describe the plot arcs of American cinema, I think the universally premier example of Denglisch is their word for 'hip hop':

'Black Music.'

I kid you not. I can only wonder how many dorky German exchange students have gotten the snot beaten out of them in the States, when, on a Saturday night in their adopted home of Hotlanta or Chi-Town, they ask with great earnesty where they might go to dance to some Black Music."

Germans, please take note:
A 'happy ending' is not
what you think it is.

Hip-hop in Stuttgart
The kids call it 'Black Music'
But not in Oakland!

Of course, the phenomenon works through reverse culture shock, too. For a while I seasoned my English with German-like grammar and vocabulary. But it's been too long since I was there...

My Denglisch is gone
No longer, trips to the store,
"Going einkaufing!"

Tuesday, April 14

Friend staying with me
I love you but your boyfriend
Has got to go now

Thursday, March 12

Have you ever had someone staying with you who made themselves just a little bit too much at home? As in, to the point where it becomes totally invasive? Couch crashers of the world: when we say, "make yourself at home" we don't mean it literally, so please pick up your wet underwear. And don't tell us why your underwear is wet, because we don't want to know.

Intrusive house guest
Do not make yourself at home
I want you to leave

Thursday, February 19

Yesterday morning I saw one of those American tourists that makes me pretend I don't speak English. You know who I'm talking about: loud, obnoxious, slightly twangy southern accent, guide book, points at things, and asks how much this costs in "real money." [hangs head in shame] I figured he was going to McDonald's before making his obligatory stop at The Mona Lisa to complete his "Parisian Experience." In fact, I am almost positive that if you removed his North Face fleece, you most definitely find a t-shirt underneath with the words, "Git R Done." Honestly, tourists like that should be quarantined to Tennessee and Oklahoma, never to leave their precious amber waves of grain for fear of being spoken to in another language. [insert southern accent] "Hey, Pa! She's got a funny accent. Can we take her home and tie her up in the barn?"

Loud American
Lost on the Paris Metro
Watch your fannypack


PS: Is that not the most amazing picture ever?

Sunday Poll: December 21

Think Fast: Airline Standby

Saturday, December 20

Ordinarily I should be waking up in the United States, in my Moomie's house feeling all sorts of comforted and warm and cozy. But I'm not. I am still in Paris. It is still cold and gray. Why am I here? You have good reason to ask this question, since any logical person would think to themselves, "I purchased my ticket 6 months ago, so I am flying on the plane pertaining to my ticket." Unfortunately, any logical person would be extremely wrong in thinking this, since clearly I am not on my plane. No no, when I arrived at the airport (3 and half hours early by the way) I was told that there were no more seats. I thought that was really funny, since my seats were already written on my reservation... but this is where it gets confusing because those seats that I chose when I made my purchase were not, in fact, my seats. They were "hypothetical" seats that I may or may not have recieved (in this case, not.) Air France explains that my seat was actually never mine and when I paid two grand for a ticket, I wasn't really "buying" anything. I was hypothetically reserving, just in case they felt like they might want to give it to me. After 6 hours on standby and not ever getting on the plane, I find myself at home again preparing to repeat the same process tomorrow a la Groundhog Day, with some Air France taxi vouchers and a "Compensation For Denied Bording" voucher for 800 euros. Yes it's really called that.


Fancy pants Air France
You sell things that you don’t have
Not unlike stealing

300 seats, yet
330 tickets
Where does that make sense

Woman at counter
I do not care if you’re chic
I will still hit you

Sunday Poll: December 14

Think Fast: Holiday Travel

Saturday, December 13

I'm flying back to the states for the holidays next week, which means I have mentally been preparing for international air travel since before Halloween. It's funny how people turn into complete psychopaths when given only 2 cubic feet to live in for 8 hours. I'm sure the flights to and from Paris and DC will inspire many a lifeku, but I thought I would warm up with memories of previous travels and delightful adventures:

Voluminous girl
You take up two seats, not one
Who are you kidding?

Saturday, December 6

When I was a kid, I used to travel a lot. My parents would send me to visit my aunts and uncles in France and Israel all by my little ole self starting at the rip young age of 10. I felt so grown up, traveling all by myself... [insert nostalgic sigh] of course this is when airline tickets didn't mean selling your first born child for a trip to Europe. It was also when you could smoke on planes, and by 13 I sure was taking advantage of that "international waters" situation with my pack of Marlboro menthols. Eww. Anyway, I used to always get bumped up, or "upgraded" in fancy speak, because I was traveling by myself and couples or families wanted to sit together. Yet again, speaking of once upon a time, back then a lot less airplanes had business class so I frequently found myself sipping champagne in First Class, baby. Oh yeah. Seriously, on like 12 international flights, I got bumped up to first like 8 times. That's a lot for a kid. That's not the point. The point is that ths doesn't ever happen to me anymore, probably because I am an adult now plus nobody on an airplane gets bumped to first anymore. Especially not with that Economy Plus crap which is like in between coach and business. Don't even get me started on that. Back to the point, if I do ever happen to have enough miles to get myself upgraded to Business, I mostly certainly do not want to encounter the most dreaded of all airline passengers: The Drunk Person Across The Aisle. This is the worst possible of all "characters" one can meet during air travel. This person began drinking before they got on board, kept drinking as soon as they offered free champagne, continued with the movie, and basically won't stop until they begin vomiting. And all I want to do is kill them. I once had one guy who sang with his earphones on from Shanghai to Paris but I don't really remember it because of the rage blackout.

Drunk man on the plane
I don’t need to hear you sing
Vomit quietly

Tuesday, November 25

I've always said that whenever you see a man naked and drunk doing something loud or embarrassing, you have exactly 4 options to choose from: English, Irish, Scottish, Australian. I have never been proven wrong in this theory, ever.

English hooligans
Singing, vomiting ruckus
Get off the bar now

Monday, October 6

Slow Volvo waiting
Could you move any slower?
The light is green now

Friday, September 26

Extra large tourist
Kindly remove your backpack
From my face now please

Monday, September 22

Lady next to me
I don't care about your life
I'm glad I'm not you

Friday, September 19, #2

You, gaudy woman
Put on way too much perfume
I'm suffocating

Thursday, September 18

Why is it that some people just flat out refuse to even attempt to control their obnoxious children? As if I'm supposed to automatically find your kid cute and therefore sympathize, which I don't and won't. If kids are too overwhelming for you, maybe you should think about that before attempting to take them to places like pool halls.

Little girl crying
You are far too close to me
Please move away now

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Saturday, September 13

When getting on the line 1 of the Paris Metro at 6:00 in the evening, one prepares oneself to merge with what I like to call "The Human Cube." This is wear you let your appendages fall into the extremely limited available space and hope you don't break something as the guy next to you proceeds to crush the cartilage in your nose with his right shoulder. It is moments like this that you really get up close and personal with your fellow commuters... too up close and personal, in the sense that you want to start giving them grooming tips. All of which brings us to today's lifeku, which I think we all can apply to about 100 people we come across in a day:


Man with bad B.O.
How can you not know the truth?
Please have this Speed Stick

Friday, September 12

Loud angry woman
With your cell phone on the train
Shut up, I hate you