Sunday Poll: April 19

Think Fast: Republicans

Friday, February 20

To celebrate of our first month with Obama and more importantly without Bush in 8 years, today's lifekus are in honor of all the stupid things we'll hopefully never hear from a president again. I dedicate February 20 as "Remember the Bushisms Day" so that we may never forget the dark times where our country was represented by a backwoods yokel, spewing ridiculous disinformation while managing to rape and murder all idioms and expressions. $20 says if you ask him, he thinks an idiom is someone stupid who didn't understand the need for The War on Terror (best title that means nothing, ever!).

The question I have always asked myself is: What is it like for Bush's speech writer? I mean seriously, this is a person behind the scenes who must obviously be good with words or he or she would have never gotten the job in the first place. Every day, I am sure he or she spell checked, reviewed, edited, and modified to give the illusion that our ex-pres was not, in fact, a bumbling idiom. That was on purpose. And every day, I am sure, the speech writer sat somewhere in a corner, shaking and holding his or herself whispering, "Just stick to the paper, W. Don't deviate this time. Please, please, for the love of God just read what I wrote." As the sorrowful tears streamed down trembling cheeks, W would say to himself. "You know what? I'm just gonna improvisationalize for personality's sake. Yeah, that's it." And another little piece of the Speech Writer died inside...

Moving on, I present to you: The Top 10 Bushisms With Accompanying Lifekus

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Grammar, who needs you?
Proverbs aren’t important
Cause I loves my guns

You know you love it
My nonsensical speeches
Let’s get some oil!

Oh, working mother
I didn’t understand you
Sorry, I’m stupid.

Just because it's Obama Day...

I know that blogs are supposed to be "relevant" or whatever... we're supposed to keep up with the "news," see what people are "reading" about, and use "key words" to drive "traffic" in our directions. Let me just keep it real by saying that I am way too "lazy" to do that. I do, however, know that an outside "world" exists outside my bubble and that important "events" occur there. So, for the sake of it, here you go:

I should have written
An inauguration post
But I didn't. Crap.

Formation Civique

Today I had my formation civique, which is a mandatory full day of learning fun required by France for immigrants to get their papers. We spend 8 fun filled hours learning all about the magnificent principles of The Republic, what's legal and not legal, the ideas behind democracy and socialism, and the subsequent changes some immigrants will need to adjust to.

There were two question and answer periods, the first pertaining to the government and boring crap like that (FYI France has regions, departments, and communes, and I still don't understand the difference between them). The second Q&A pertained to citizen's rights and human rights, which apparently really need to be spelled out for certain people from certain Middle Eastern and African countries where it happens to be legal to beat and circumcise your wife. I won't name names.

This horrendously long day inspired many lifekus, so I've decided to put together a little something I like to call the Civique Formation Series:

Part I: Morning


Monotonous drawl
You might really be able
To bore me to death


Crafty Chinese Boy
Way to get away with
The stealthy headphones


Canadian girl
Why don't you know your own
Independence Day?


Unpleasant woman
Pull that crap with me again
And I'll pop you one


Part II: Afternoon


Man in the back, no
You can't hit your wife in France
Because she talked back


Other man in back
It's always illegal to
Hit your wife in France


Yet more men in back
Polygamy is also
Illegal in France


Formation Civique
Useless French information
My whole day wasted


Fin.

Happy Halloween

In the spirit of Halloween, I thought I would dedicate a lifeku to one of my most favorite characters in existence: The Paranoid Conspiracy Theorist. Oh how I love you and your cute crazy rantings! What's that? You don't believe in AIDS? Awesome.

Weird paranoid guy
The man is still watching you
Shh, did you hear that?

Monday, October 27

There are many things that disturb me about Sarah Palin. In fact, her very existence disturbs me. But with all her crazy republican quasi-nazi conservative beliefs, I am still baffled by the fact that someone who lives in Alaska would vote against putting the polar bear on the endangered species list. Obviously, I concluded that it's because she eats polar bear for dinner, then brushes her teeth with polar bear fat before going to sleep on her polar bear sheets. That must be it.

Hey Sarah Palin,
Why don’t you build a house with
Those Polar Bear pelts