Tuesday, May 19

I recently stumbled across this article about a super awesome van offering every parents nightmare: free candy. After a lot of freaking out and a police investigation, it turns out that this pedophilic parents' nightmare was in fact a prank being played by who else: college kids. Ahhh those crazy college kids...


Hey little children
Let's have some fun in my van!
I've got free candy

Tuesday, April 21

I was stumbling my life away, as usual, when I came across this interesting story of a Norweigan- highway-sex-crash, which seems rather adventurous... but then again I suppose there's not that much to do in Norway in winter without freezing your face off, so people probably need to create some action for themselves.

Salmon is boring
Dangerous Norwegian sex
Full frontal impact

Tuesday, April 7

I recently stumbled upon this article about a boy who killed his father in his sleep, but was apparently sleepwalking and therefore not responsible for what he did. Personally, I don't know if I believe that, but it certainly makes you think twice about falling asleep with the door unlocked:

Sleepwalking killer
Your dad should’ve locked the door
But you’re off scot-free

Monday, March 30

Hello. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. I'm going to need you to watch this super awesome video that I stumbled upon immediately. Yes, immediately, as in RIGHT NOW. It is full of information that you simply cannot live without.



Wasn't that amazing? Don't you feel as though someone turned a light on in the pit of darkness in which we've been living? Duh. Lies. [scoffs at science to self] First of all, I'd like to know who taught this man to speak, because that was a mistake. I'm going to assume it was his mother, who was also apparently responsible for teaching him biology... which we just saw did not turn out so well. And I thought public schools in the States were bad... Regardless of whoever taught him evangelical gibberish in place of the laws of physics, this man sounds so freaking retarded that I almost feel sorry for him. "Explosions kill people." [sigh]

Good job home-schooling
Dang fancy telescopes duh
So-called gravity

Monday, March 16

I was yet again spending a relaxing Saturday morning with my new amazing boyfriend, StumbleUpon Toolbar. It's the best relationship I've ever had... he always has something interesting to say and he listens to my wants and needs. Anyway, I came across this article about the "male girdle" and found myself facing the difficult physical challenge of not throwing up in my mouth while laughing so hard I cry. It's supposed to be the equivalent of Spanx but for men with beer guts... the article goes on to explain the woes of men under the pressure to succeed in bed and at work, and how they deserve "the same products that women have had for years to make [them] feel better."

Oh boo hoo. I feel so sorry for you, men, because you don't have your own line of concealer and cellulite-disguising panty hose. Wait a minute, no I don't, because most of you still manage to get laid on a regular basis, even married, whereas nobody wants to do the nasty with a woman sporting a moustache. That's right, I said it. Women go through all of this preparation crap because men won't sleep with us if we don't. They are revolted by that which naturally occurs on our bodies. However, a fugly ass "man" with a "great personality" or a "sense of humor" will always end up with a woman who is too good for him but has surprisingly low self-esteem. That's the way it is. Think about how men become distinguished with grey hair but a woman who wants to keep the door rotating better run out for a box of Nice and Easy ASAP before people start asking her if she's a grandmother yet.

What is my point? My point is this: after years of shaving, waxing, exfoliating, buffing, smoothing, moisturizing, plucking, powdering, blow drying, and many other verbs ending in -ing, we have earned the right to judge you if you take longer than us to get ready. Your unrealistic vision of us automatically gives us twice the time in the bathroom (or more) with no justification what-so-ever, so when you start buffing and plucking and smoothing we start wondering if you're thinking about switching teams. Men, you want real women? Then don't be surprised when we want real men.

Metrosexual
Long prep time isn’t sexy
Take off the mirdle

Saturday, February 21

I am totally obsessed with StumbleUpon. As in, an all-consuming super unhealthy addiction to that toolbar in my Flock. For any of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is, I recommend you join immediately, so you can waste hours of your life discovering all of the crazy crap in the vast expanse that is The Internet. At first it took me a while to get to 1,000 thumbs up, but once I did it was like StumbleUpon infiltrated my brain and began only giving me stuff I like. Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up... which of course makes it even harder to turn my computer off even though I'm so tired that everything makes me giggle.

Dear StumbleUpon
You’re sucking away my life
But I still can’t stop

Just one more thumbs up
Then I’ll really go to sleep
My eyes are burning