Saturday, March 7

Have you ever met somebody who doesn't have an opinion about anything? Not necessarily a pushover or those people who change their mind because you don't agree with them, but someone who just doesn't care enough to think this or that either way? I am annoyed by these people. I think that sometimes you have to have an opinion and you just can't get out of it... like when it comes to, I don't know, let's say: aliens. Okay, how does one not have an opinion on aliens? You either believe in them, or you don't. It's either a possibility in your world or it's not. You can't say, "I don't really have any personal feelings about the existence of intelligent life" the way you could say "I don't really have any personal feelings about Angelina's uterus." One doesn't require an opinion to be a thinking individual and the other does. It's simple.

Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who don't have the cajones to pick a side and stick with it:

Super neutral guy
If you cared any less, you
Might be Switzerland

Friday, March 6

I feel like there are certain words that would be fun to integrate into our modern vocabulary... like whippersnapper and hootenany. Our grandparents were respectful and polite, and therefore way more creative when it came to words in general:

Older gentlemen
Please tone down the brouhaha
You might have a stroke

Thursday, March 5

I know that I have previously mentioned my family's "Vegetarian Phase" that was sparked by my sister and led to the dreaded Tofurkey Thanksgiving. I know that I also mentioned that this particular phase ended for my sister when she was pregnant and absolutely had to have a filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Now those of you who are loyal vegan-vegetarian-ghee-tofu-eaters may be asking, How? Why? How do you comsume flesh after a decade without it? I'll tell you how and why: because it tastes good. That's right. Animals are delicious, especially fuzzy little lambs. And don't start that "our intestines weren't made to digest meat" crap because a) we wouldn't have canines and b) I would have serious issues going to the bathroom, which I don't. Which brings us to the ultimate statement of truth:

Hey vegan eater
Maybe lentils are healthy
But cow tastes so good

Wednesday, March 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Spencer who had to speak out, "in response to the alarming trend of sorority girls thinking that leggings constitute as appropriate bottom-wear." That's right, ladies, leggings do not replace pants and I must admit that I totally agree on Spencer with this one. He even included some helpful websites that explain why leggings and tights do not replace the need to get dressed:

Leggings but no pants.
Dear little sorostitute:
We all see your butt.




Tightsarenotpants.com
Dumbest Fashion Statements Ever
Leggings are not pants

Tuesday, March 3

Has anyone read those articles (or seen those stories) about hardcore video gamers that are so addicted they sit in internet cafes for days at a time, not showering and only eating ramen? They become so into the game that they do things like quit their jobs and stab each other. Today's lifeku goes out to those boys who've only known virtual relationships from the comfort of a sweat stained computer chair:

Video game guy
Put down the controller now
You’ve soiled yourself

Monday, March 2

You know what expression I hate? "Do as I say, not as I do." Seriously, what's that about anyway? It's all, I can do whatever I want but then I get to judge you for doing the exact same thing because I just plain suck:

Total hypocrite
You just said that it was wrong
Now you’re doing it

Sunday Poll: March 1

My birthday makes me feel...

Saturday, February 28

Self-preservation
I will probably kill you
For those shoes on sale

Friday, February 27

Today is Daughter's birthday, so she has the day off. If you see her, you should do an impromptu jazz hands because she really likes that. Flame of Twin is taking over in the meantime.

Today, someone took something of mine that they shouldn't have...and at the time I was hungry. Which led to an interesting train of thoughts that ultimately made me think of certain "friends" that need to stop ganking my jonx. Personally, I hate it when a friend offers to pick me something up and than eats half of it before they arrive. It's like hello, why did you offer to pick it up in the first place? I am a person who needs to eat and my hunger may cause potential rage blackouts and other dangerous ramifications... which is why when someone steals my French fries, it makes me think of the great words spoken by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's voicemail, which inspired this lifeku:

Hey French fry stealer
Don't think I didn't notice
Greedy little pig

Thursday, February 26

Some of you who are loyal readers from the beginning may think that this lifeku strongly resembles "Man With Bad B.O." (one of the original lifekus) and it probably does. But I can't help that because the number of funk-nasty people that are all up in my personal space requires that I write at least one body odor related haiku per month. Brunette on the line 2 next to me a few days ago, you know who you are:

Stranger next to me
You are smelling pretty ripe
Deodorant, much?

Wednesday, February 25: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Steph, who was kind enough to create a Kissing Medley for us:

Hispanic boyfriend
Sexy when you act ghetto
You give me street cred.

Badass redneck boy
Tongue piercing and hot tattoos
Why can’t you kiss well?

Stoners cannot kiss
Move your lips around, dumbass
This is not a bowl

Tuesday, February 24:

Despite the obvious dry humor of The Daily Lifeku, I am a relatively optimistic person and I have never liked a pity party. People find reasons to complain about everything when their lives really aren't that bad. I mean, seriously, my guardienne (French superintendent) washes the courtyard everyday with fresh water from the hose. She washes the ground. With clean water. There are children in Africa who would die on the spot if they saw this and this woman manages to complain about everything. Lucky for me she only speaks French and Portuguese so she won't be reading this any time soon...

Chronic complainer
At least you have arms and legs
Your face can’t be fixed

Monday, February 23

I was yet again stumbling my youth away the other day when I came across this incredibly bizarre, creepy, and downright disturbing story of a wife who found a way to hold on to her husband FOREVER. She commissioned the most frighteningly stalkerish statue ever for his tombstone so that she could desperately cling to him for the rest of eternity. Talk about attached. You can see the other photos and read about it here. If that isn't unhealthy, I don't think I know what it...



Co-dependency
If you ever try to leave
I will be your grave.

Sunday Poll: February 22

Public nudity makes me feel...

Saturday, February 21

I am totally obsessed with StumbleUpon. As in, an all-consuming super unhealthy addiction to that toolbar in my Flock. For any of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is, I recommend you join immediately, so you can waste hours of your life discovering all of the crazy crap in the vast expanse that is The Internet. At first it took me a while to get to 1,000 thumbs up, but once I did it was like StumbleUpon infiltrated my brain and began only giving me stuff I like. Thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up... which of course makes it even harder to turn my computer off even though I'm so tired that everything makes me giggle.

Dear StumbleUpon
You’re sucking away my life
But I still can’t stop

Just one more thumbs up
Then I’ll really go to sleep
My eyes are burning

Friday, February 20

To celebrate of our first month with Obama and more importantly without Bush in 8 years, today's lifekus are in honor of all the stupid things we'll hopefully never hear from a president again. I dedicate February 20 as "Remember the Bushisms Day" so that we may never forget the dark times where our country was represented by a backwoods yokel, spewing ridiculous disinformation while managing to rape and murder all idioms and expressions. $20 says if you ask him, he thinks an idiom is someone stupid who didn't understand the need for The War on Terror (best title that means nothing, ever!).

The question I have always asked myself is: What is it like for Bush's speech writer? I mean seriously, this is a person behind the scenes who must obviously be good with words or he or she would have never gotten the job in the first place. Every day, I am sure he or she spell checked, reviewed, edited, and modified to give the illusion that our ex-pres was not, in fact, a bumbling idiom. That was on purpose. And every day, I am sure, the speech writer sat somewhere in a corner, shaking and holding his or herself whispering, "Just stick to the paper, W. Don't deviate this time. Please, please, for the love of God just read what I wrote." As the sorrowful tears streamed down trembling cheeks, W would say to himself. "You know what? I'm just gonna improvisationalize for personality's sake. Yeah, that's it." And another little piece of the Speech Writer died inside...

Moving on, I present to you: The Top 10 Bushisms With Accompanying Lifekus

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

Grammar, who needs you?
Proverbs aren’t important
Cause I loves my guns

You know you love it
My nonsensical speeches
Let’s get some oil!

Oh, working mother
I didn’t understand you
Sorry, I’m stupid.

Thursday, February 19

Yesterday morning I saw one of those American tourists that makes me pretend I don't speak English. You know who I'm talking about: loud, obnoxious, slightly twangy southern accent, guide book, points at things, and asks how much this costs in "real money." [hangs head in shame] I figured he was going to McDonald's before making his obligatory stop at The Mona Lisa to complete his "Parisian Experience." In fact, I am almost positive that if you removed his North Face fleece, you most definitely find a t-shirt underneath with the words, "Git R Done." Honestly, tourists like that should be quarantined to Tennessee and Oklahoma, never to leave their precious amber waves of grain for fear of being spoken to in another language. [insert southern accent] "Hey, Pa! She's got a funny accent. Can we take her home and tie her up in the barn?"

Loud American
Lost on the Paris Metro
Watch your fannypack


PS: Is that not the most amazing picture ever?

Wednesday, February 18: Reader Submission

Much to my surprise and delight, reader submissions appear to be taking place on The Wall. I check them every few days to see what people are complaining about, and I'd like to share the two that made me chuckle recently:

The first one comes from Alfonso, who makes an extremely accurate and important point that I probably should have addressed in haiku form a while ago:

Stop clipping your nails
While standing right next to me
Dangerous AND gross



The second one comes from Maureen (AKA My Favorite Person In The World!) who basically speaks my mind whenever she opens her mouth:

Dumb Solicitor
No I don't want your product
It's useless like you

Tuesday, February 17

Sometimes in the morning rush of the metro, when my body merges with what I like to call "The Human Cube," I go to my special place, my happy place. I just close my eyes and pretend I don't have 4 other people pressed up against me and one of them didn't brush their teeth. I normally look up towards the ceiling, because as French people are short, that is where there is the most air. Some of these times in the morning, I am wrenched out of my safe and happy place by an unsettling noise followed by a violently rotten odor. In these situations, everybody puts on their Not Guilty Face and begins to glance around in failed attempts to find the culprit. Except for sometimes, it's so obviously one person that you can't stop giggling to yourself while at the same time covering your face with your pashmina as to avoid suffocating:


Not so stealthy guy
I totally just heard you
Let a fat one rip

Monday, February 16

After our Valentine's Day love fest, I couldn't help but to stop and think of those desperately in need. Of sex. That's right, you know who I am talking about: A customer service rep, the woman at the French Embassy, that creepy sales guy at Best Buy - none of them have gotten any since the 70's and oh does it show. Today's lifeku goes out to all of you who really, really need to get laid so you can drop the raunchy attitude:

Grumpy old lady
Did you forget about sex?
You really need some

Grumpier old man
Let me introduce you to
Grumpy old lady

Sunday Poll: February 15

I spent this Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day Haiku Grande Finale

Maureen and I had originally prepared some lifekus for the Valentine's Day Grande Finale, which would obviously be today, but then I yet again stumbled across the most awesome story for V-Day that could have ever existed. Let's examine the curious case, not of Benjamin Button (also known as Forrest Gump for those who have seen the movie), but of starcrossed lovers Dominique Fisher and Wayne Robinson. A tale of drinking, vodka, valium, one night stands, and pure craziness... "Why, what happened?" you may ask. Fear not, I will tell you:

Wayne Robinson is a regular English guy who drinks too much and was trying to get laid. Dominique Fisher was a moderately attractive, moderately sane looking woman on whom he had set his sights for the night. Whoa, big mistake. After an evening of alcohol binging, which included some valium tablets and forgotten sex, one Wayne Robinson awoke in the bed of one Dominique Fisher to find that she had CARVED HER NAME INTO HIS ARM while he slept in a drunken stupor. I am not making this up. Seriously, you can read about it here. She also carved a star into his back and some slashes all over his arms, because she's just crazy creative like that.

Here, have a look:Wow, that's romantic and delicious, isn't it? What's the moral of the story here, folks? I believe I'll sum it up in three simple lines:

Valentine's Warning:
When having casual sex
Don't have drunk black out

and of course, Part II:

Alcoholic sleep
I didn't feel anything
Dominique for life

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 5

In preparation for tomorrow, we'd like to express our true feelings about some of Hallmark's lame Valentine's Day commercial prospects. We'd also like to add that under no circumstances should you ever, ever buy Russel Stover's chocolates. Ever.

Those heart shaped candies
with the printed words on them
are stupid like you

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 4

Do you have an ex that you hate so much that you wish them pain and suffering for the rest of his (or her) life? If you said "no" you're obviously a big fat liar because we all do. Today's lifeku is for those times when you just need to know that he's alone, unhappy, and hopefully crying softly to himself in a corner somewhere. Ahhh.... good stuff.

Ha ha ex-boyfriend
I know you are still single
I facebook stalked you.

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 3

Often times we “present” the version of ourselves that we think the opposite sex will find most attractive. The problem with this is that it’s extremely difficult to keep the act going once you start spending a certain amount of time with a person. Have you ever made a shocking or uber gross discovery about the one you were making the makey with? Yes, making the makey.

At first I was blind
How could I not have noticed?
That you pick your nose

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 2

Sometimes, in a loving relationship, your partner can push your buttons so easily that you just want to smash a beer bottle over his or her head. Today’s lifeku is for these special moments:

Say that one more time
You think you’re so damn clever
No sex for a month

Valentine's Day Haiku Extravaganza '09: Day 1

In honor of the most hated Hallmark holiday, we here at The Daily Lifeku are kicking off a week long extravaganza dedicated to Valentine's Day debacles and retarded love. Today’s lifeku goes out to everyone who thought they had found “the one” only to find out two or three months later that “the one” was in fact a total “nut job.”

You were perfection
Then you wore my underwear
Super crazy guy

Sunday Poll: February 8

Think Fast: Coffee

Saturday, February 7

I totally wrote this haiku about Joy Division before having seen this article and this article which apparently predict some sort of imminent comeback that I hope will never happen. For those of you who did not attend an angsty/punk/hardcore/goth/straight edge high school like myself, you can read the Wikipedia article on Joy Division here. Think "The Cure" or "The Smiths" but more depressing and angsty, if that's possible...

Lonely man drinking
Have this Joy Division tape
And a razor blade

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)