Sunday Poll: February 8

Think Fast: Coffee

Saturday, February 7

I totally wrote this haiku about Joy Division before having seen this article and this article which apparently predict some sort of imminent comeback that I hope will never happen. For those of you who did not attend an angsty/punk/hardcore/goth/straight edge high school like myself, you can read the Wikipedia article on Joy Division here. Think "The Cure" or "The Smiths" but more depressing and angsty, if that's possible...

Lonely man drinking
Have this Joy Division tape
And a razor blade

Friday, February 6

I stumbled (yet again) upon this tragic DIY dress that I cannot honestly believe a human being would wear. The title of the article, found here, is: Party Dress in an Instant. Indeed... if by "Party Dress" they mean "Ugly Thing" and by "Instant" they mean "Waste of Your Time." Plus let's keep it real, I think the bottom half is in fact a table cloth she stole out of my grandmother's basement.



Over-crafty girl
Your old bra is not a dress
DNDIY*



*(do not do it yourself)

Thursday, February 5

I live in France, so I have become accustomed to less than perfect teeth (not for myself, of course). The French don't believe that it's "healthy" to do certain things like "whiten" and "crown." They do wear braces and do root canals, which is more than I can say for the English who probably have the most fugly trifling grills I have ever seen. Ever.

When I talk to you
All I ever notice is
Your stank nasty teeth

Wednesday, February 4: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Norman, who was basically on haiku fire:

Often when I speak

I upset someone when I
only want to play.

This is more fun than
writing short blurbs on facebook
that don't mean a thing.

Only yesterday,
I couldn't spell Haiku, but
today I am one.

The Haiku rockstar's
tour bus is filled with girls and
imagination.

Tuesday, February 3

This lifeku originally applied to my father, who can explain Stephan Hawking's "A Breif History of Time" to an 8 year old and calculate 246 x 5348 in his head, but who cannot walk in a straight line. With age and experience, I have concluded that this is not just my father, but in fact an entire sector of the population. Apparently, a whole freaking lot of you can't walk in a straight line. When I am walking down the street, in the metro, even at the airport I always like to play a little game where I follow the yellow line... do I think I am in the Wizard of Oz? Maybe, but that's not important right now. What is important is the number of people walking in S formation, who have the balls to bump into me and give me this look that says: "Can't you see I have no equilibrium? It's totally your responsibility to get out of my way." Um, no it's not.

Unbalanced woman
You push me because you walk
Diagonally

Monday, February 2

I often say that I should have been a lesbian, but the truth is that I love men. Yes, I said it. What I don't love are men's habits... such as using my nail clippers as some sort of utility tool or washing their hair in the sink when there's totally a detachable shower head that is much easier to use. Oh, men, I never understand you. The best part is: a man will be totally grossed out if you forget to pluck the wrong hair or accidentally reveal that you too have human bodily functions, but the same man will wear the same t-shirt for 10 days and clean the dishes only when there are none left. I once knew a guy who's sink was home to a thriving civilization of maggots. They were evolving, approaching a golden age... I swear I saw them using tools...

Men who live with us
The food you leave out spawns life
Decontaminate

Sunday Poll: February 1

Driving makes me feel...

Saturday, January 31

Have you ever been driving down the road only to have a Cadillac cut in front of you and slow down to 7 mph? You squint, looking closer, trying to identify this infuriating person in front of you, but all you see are two sets of knuckles on the wheel... and you know. You know that you are officially trapped behind a senior citizen, not unlike your grandmother, and you must wait there because nobody can make an old person do something they don't want to do. That's a fact. Look it up. If you honk or tailgate, you're a bully. Nobody wants to be deemed "old lady bully" like that kid who mugged Rosa Parks. Do you think he ever lived that down? I doubt it.

Old lady driving
See that pedal on the right?
Accelerator

Friday, January 30

Sometimes, it's just better to not know the truth:

Your father was a
Registered sex offender
That’s why I left him

Thursday, January 29

I'm sure that certain half-Korean people will think that this lifeku is aimed directly at them, but in fact it has nothing to do with anyone I know. I stumbled upon it by chance (we will discuss my stumbling problem at a later date) and almost peed my pants. You can check the article here.

Hardcore, I think not
Korean Special Warfare
Command. Gay, maybe?

Wednesday, January 28: Reader Submission

Today's reader submission comes from Oralia in East Bay, California:

"I stumbled-upon the daily lifeku last night, and thank god. I work at a photography studio using photoshop all day, and I wrote 6 work inspired haikus throughout the day. Please enjoy my two favorites, and if you are a cs geek like me - I hope you especially appreciate them."

I know photoshop
I'll liquify your arm fat
You wont even know.

What's wrong with this brush
I need to mask out your bags
Opacity, Whoops.

Tuesday, January 27

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm talking about:

Fancy pants fat cat
Stop acting like a gangster
It’s not the 30’s

Monday, January 26

I've spoken previously and candidly about my personal feelings on the subject of bad breath. In fact, I frequently discuss my feelings on this particular subject, because for some reason it seems like 80% of the population had a small animal die in their mouth last month and still haven't brushed their teeth:

Hey you, dragon breath
Please close your putrid mouth, it’s
Wilting my flowers

Sunday Poll: January 25

Think Fast: Public Transportation

Saturday, January 24

Remember when you were an annoying kid who said annoying stuff like, "I know you are but what am I" or "I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you?" I hated you then and I hate you now and by the way 9 year-olds everywhere: I've heard it all - there's no nursery rhyme insult you can throw my way that won't get a comeback so why do you try:

Snotty little girl
You look like a monkey and
You smell like one too

Friday, January 23

Sometimes people assume that these haikus are about me. They're not, they're about life in general, hence the name "life-ku." Actually, sometimes I totally write them about you. Yes, you.

How would you like it
If I told them all about
Your incontinence

Thursday, January 22

Today's lifeku is about a subject that has long since annoyed me... Namely the gross misusage of the English language. I could go off on a rant about the French and how it's impossible to order "one cookies" but I'll save that for later and instead focus on the myriad of idiots that you and I both went to high school with:

Suburban slang kid
Conversate is not a word
Edumacation

PS: For those of you who are stupid idiots just waiting to tell me "misusage" isn't a word, you can check the dictionary definition right here. Snap.

Wednesday, January 21: Reader Submission

If you still haven't joined The Daily Lifeku's Facebook group, you're obviously a douche and there's not a whole lot that I can do for you. Today's reader submissions come from The Wall, these two in particular made me chuckle:

From Barry:

Login incorrect
Only perfect spellers may
enter the system

From Eura:

Walks in the city
At night, shady walk, gangsters,
Oh s**t, where's the car?

Just because it's Obama Day...

I know that blogs are supposed to be "relevant" or whatever... we're supposed to keep up with the "news," see what people are "reading" about, and use "key words" to drive "traffic" in our directions. Let me just keep it real by saying that I am way too "lazy" to do that. I do, however, know that an outside "world" exists outside my bubble and that important "events" occur there. So, for the sake of it, here you go:

I should have written
An inauguration post
But I didn't. Crap.

Tuesday, January 20

This one summer there were these homeless guys (they were actually more like squatters) who had started hanging around my neighborhood. I saw them with their dogs frequently and paid little attention since I live in an urban environment and am thus completely numb to homelessness... but one day... I came out of my building, it was a Saturday in June so the streets were packed like Times Square, and started walking towards the bakery. When I had gotten to the church (half way to the bakery), I was suddenly startled by a plastic cup flinging around in my face. Upon further inspection, I realized that the plastic cup had a dollar sign on it (why it wasn't Euros I'll never know) which was attached to a fishing pole, which was being held by the squatters who were standing on the church steps. As in they were fishing for handouts. Panhandle fishing. Or something. I thought it was so funny that I decided to give them a Euro. A for effort, I always say.

I sometimes give cash
To homeless people with real
Creativity

Monday, January 19

Have you ever been in the middle of a "conversation" with someone who just drones on and one, flapping their gums, not even once noticing that you have tried to open your mouth on multiple occasions? Blah blah blah blah blah about their parents, boyfriend/girlfriend, work, bodily functions, last vacation, political opinions... sometimes I like to remind people that I just don't care, but there's no way they can hear me if they are still talking.

Conversation hog
When you talk I wonder if
You’ll ever shut up

Sunday Poll: January 18

Think Fast: The Internet

Saturday, January 17

I'm all for fashion... I love clothes and shoes and bags because I have a vagina. That's right. Sometimes, things that look really good are in fact totally impractical, like shoes that eat your feet, dresses you can't sit down in, those 70's pants that totally ride up your crotch... but somewhere, somehow, you can deal as long as you are causing your own discomfort. What is totally uncalled for, ladies, is my being accosted by your obnoxiously large and voluminous "ensemble."

Kimono sleeve dress
I don’t need to eat fabric
Control your wide arms

Friday, January 16

All of you have this friend. Maybe they're not a friend but more like a leftover acquaintance from your high school group or someone you just can't seem to get rid of, like hard water stains or shingles or chiggers. Or anything else that's really unpleasant. But for some reason you just can't bring yourself to delete them from your Facebook and tell them to F-off, so you reluctantly agree (after many wall comments and messages) to go for a drink and "catch up on old times" [wretch] when:

Lazy ass moocher
Quit going to the bathroom
When the check arrives

Thursday, January 15

This one goes out to all my girls who don't like children and wear lots of white, which would definitely include me. We put in so much time, effort, and bleach that there should be a child repellent to keep them away:

Smelly Little Kid
Keep your grubby little hands
Away from me please.

Wednesday January 14: Reader Submission

We already heard from Jiji about her idiot parrot, and it turns out her sister seems to have pet problems as well. Khadine, who can also be found over at Life in Trinidad & Tobago, explains:

I had to leave my cat Chloe in Trinidad when I moved to Romania, she has
since adopted my sister. On my sister's blog, she spoke about MY cat biting her on her head,
my heart is broken....

As a result, I felt the need to write a lifeku too...

Why cat, why? Did you
see fit to bite her skull and
not mine? Traitor! Hmmph.

and of course, a subsequent lifeku about Romania:

Romania, No!
So eastern block I want my
cat and a MAC store

Tuesday, January 13

Fat girl at the club
Do you think that dress fits you?
Here, wear this muumuu.

Monday, January 12

There was this woman who lived a couple of streets away from my house growing up. No one ever saw her and the grass in her front yard was high enough to hide a midget. A rather tall midget. One day, the police went to her house and busted everything wide open and apparently she had been living with 300 cats and all of her newspapers since the 70's. Really makes you single ladies want to settle for less, doesn't it?

Newspaper pack rat
Your house is a fire hazard
Accumulation

Sunday Poll: January 11

Think Fast: Feet