I was feeling nostalgic, so I thought I'd bust out some 90's slang for today's lifeku. Anyone feeling in a particularly "It's the 90's" mood feel free to send your reader submissions for next week...
Sketchy lunch box guy
Could you be any weirder?
Stop wigging me out
Wednesday, July 15: Reader Submission
Today's reader submission comes from Noelle, who will now probably think twice before reaching out to touch somebody:
"A long time ago, I went to the beach with my grandparents. We went to a reptile zoo and I left them to go use the restroom. When I came out, I noticed my grandfather leaning against the railing, so I decided to surprise him with a sudden hug. After I'd successfully wrapped my skinny little arms around him, he turned around with a look of shock on his face, and that's when I realized something. I'd hugged a complete stranger who didn't even remotely look like my grandfather."
Random old stranger:
sorry for the weird hug, man.
I bet you liked it.
"A long time ago, I went to the beach with my grandparents. We went to a reptile zoo and I left them to go use the restroom. When I came out, I noticed my grandfather leaning against the railing, so I decided to surprise him with a sudden hug. After I'd successfully wrapped my skinny little arms around him, he turned around with a look of shock on his face, and that's when I realized something. I'd hugged a complete stranger who didn't even remotely look like my grandfather."
Random old stranger:
sorry for the weird hug, man.
I bet you liked it.
Monday, July 13
Today's lifeku goes out to all of the ladies that I smell way too much on the morning metro:Parisian Women
Lay off the Angel*
You all smell like barf
*please note that Angel is a perfume intended to smell like chocolate, but more closely resembles rotting stomach lining.
Saturday, July 11
Just because it's summer, doesn't mean you have to let it all hang out:
Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears
Droopy boob woman
Have you ever owned a bra?
Cocker spaniel ears
I'm back
It appears as though I am finally back.... after what seems like years of waiting for a new internet connection. I swear, if France didn't give me 6 hour work days, 5 weeks vacation per year, and really good bread I don't know if I could handle it here without committing customer service murder. After several visits to the SFR boutique, two outbursts of crazy laughter when I just couldn't take it anymore, and mysteriously picking up my modem at a dry cleaner behind my house (don't even ask because I don't know), I now find myself reconnected.
Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:
Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??
Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent
Today's lifekus are obviously about how a country as developed as France (yes we have electricity and running water) can make things that should be so easy so freaking difficult:
Nonsensical France
You brought us the face transplant
But Wifi is hard??
Dear France Telecom
Screw your lame monopoly
Not another cent
Update
Okay so I have now been living without internet for so long that I have almost forgotten what it is. I am supposed to be "reconnected" tomorrow afternoon... if this is the case, expect The Daily Lifeku to come back in full swing. If The Daily Lifeku doesn't come back in full swing, you can assume that the French internet gods are punishing me...
In the meantime, this is for you, underappreciated Loreal commercial guy:
Undervalued guy
Don't you just wish they could see
How much you're worth it?
In the meantime, this is for you, underappreciated Loreal commercial guy:
Undervalued guy
Don't you just wish they could see
How much you're worth it?
Wednesday, June 24: Reader Submission
Today's reader submission comes from Buzz, who is quickly becoming my lifeku star:
I dropped my car off for service last week, and while they worked on it I went for a walk. I was horrified by the trash littering the side of the road. From fast food wrappers, to dirty diapers, to a plastic orange juice bottle filled with what looked like urine. Are you fucking kidding me? Where is the love for Mother Earth?? You ever see a cig smoker almost at the end of the butt, and they cup it, a secretly let it go?
Hey there cig smoker
Throwing it down discretely
You’re a litter bug!
What is that bad smell?
Ooh, baby’s made a poo-poo
Toss the diaper? Gross!
Hey there litter bug
I would love to see your home
Do you trash it too?
I dropped my car off for service last week, and while they worked on it I went for a walk. I was horrified by the trash littering the side of the road. From fast food wrappers, to dirty diapers, to a plastic orange juice bottle filled with what looked like urine. Are you fucking kidding me? Where is the love for Mother Earth?? You ever see a cig smoker almost at the end of the butt, and they cup it, a secretly let it go?
Hey there cig smoker
Throwing it down discretely
You’re a litter bug!
What is that bad smell?
Ooh, baby’s made a poo-poo
Toss the diaper? Gross!
Hey there litter bug
I would love to see your home
Do you trash it too?
Monday, June 22
Although my Flame of Twin was not physically present when I was writing this lifeku, she was with me in spirit and therefore the "we" refers to me and her, not me and my man. That's right, when I say "we" I mean me and my flame because I'm just a feminist like that:
We never liked you
Especially when you talk
Your face makes it worse
We never liked you
Especially when you talk
Your face makes it worse
Saturday, June 20
As I am visiting Moomie, I have internet access for a few days and thought I would provide you with a couple lifekus to keep you going. If I knew when I would have internet, I wouldn't be living in France... so as far as "the return" is concerned, I can make no promises... but in the meantime, this goes out to all of you providing too much information:
Yes, you just farted
I didn't need to know that
Keep it to yourself
Yes, you just farted
I didn't need to know that
Keep it to yourself
Mini-Hiatus
Hello fellow Lifekuers,
Unfortunately, Daughter is without internet at the moment and therefore unable to post... The Daily Lifeku will be on a miniature hiatus while Daughter waits for her new internet account to be activated. Lifeku you in a few days.
Unfortunately, Daughter is without internet at the moment and therefore unable to post... The Daily Lifeku will be on a miniature hiatus while Daughter waits for her new internet account to be activated. Lifeku you in a few days.
Wednesday, June 3: Reader Submission
Today's reader submission comes from Danielle, who not unlike me passes about 47% of her week on the Paris metro:
Fripsters* on the train
Your hair reeks of your own pee
But I like your shoes
*fripe (from the verb "friper" for crumple) refers to thrift and vintage stores in French
Fripsters* on the train
Your hair reeks of your own pee
But I like your shoes
*fripe (from the verb "friper" for crumple) refers to thrift and vintage stores in French
Monday, June 1
This one goes out to all of the consumers who make a giant scene in public:
Crazy customer
Not sure that’s the best way to
Get your money back
Crazy customer
Not sure that’s the best way to
Get your money back
Friday, May 29
This lifeku is dedicated to the fact that I will be sans internet for at least 10 days as I leave crap internet provider in the dust to switch to SFR Neuf...
Orange Internet
Your service is a big joke
I hope you all die.
Orange Internet
Your service is a big joke
I hope you all die.
Wednesday, May 27: Reader Submission
This weeks reader submission comes from Nancy, wgo tells us about her debacle in The Dam:
When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:
Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.
In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.
When i recently arrived in Amsterdam for travel's sake, i needed to locate my hostel that i had quickly booked online; unbeknownst to me, my map led me into the red light district, where i found no street names. Being completely tired and unbothered, i stopped the first Dutch person i saw to ask them the name of the street we were on, so i could know if i was near the hostel. As soon as i said 'Excuse me..', a recieved a very awkward, rushed response as the man looked to the ground and shuffled away, saying 'No, thank you, thank you, i'm happily married'. Yes, he thought i was a prostitute. Hence these:
Hey, dirty old man
I just wanted the street name
Sorry, not for sale.
In a strange city
In need of some direction
No, I'm not a whore.
Monday, May 25
I am a dog owner and lover, that is for sure. I love those big brown puppy eyes that gaze up at you with a sweet wagging tail. I love how my puppy (I call her that even though she's 5) gets so excited every time I come home that she almost pees herself, even if I've only been gone 5 minutes.
Yes, dogs really are our best friends... but do you want to know who are not our best friends?
I'll tell you: Dog owners who for some reason believe they are exempt from "the ramassing of the merde." What am I talking about? Pick up your poop for crying out loud. I do it, so can you, it's really not that bad. See, the plastic bag serves as the appropriate buffer between the poop matter and your actual hand, but some of you don't seem to understand this concept. Some of you believe it's okay to let your dog drop one in front of me while I am drinking coffee and then just leave it there as if it were some sort of treasured gift. Newsflash: it's not a treasured gift. At all. So just bend over and pick it up like the rest of us:
Woman with toy dog
You still have to pick it up
Even if it’s small
Yes, dogs really are our best friends... but do you want to know who are not our best friends?
I'll tell you: Dog owners who for some reason believe they are exempt from "the ramassing of the merde." What am I talking about? Pick up your poop for crying out loud. I do it, so can you, it's really not that bad. See, the plastic bag serves as the appropriate buffer between the poop matter and your actual hand, but some of you don't seem to understand this concept. Some of you believe it's okay to let your dog drop one in front of me while I am drinking coffee and then just leave it there as if it were some sort of treasured gift. Newsflash: it's not a treasured gift. At all. So just bend over and pick it up like the rest of us:
Woman with toy dog
You still have to pick it up
Even if it’s small
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Chinese
French
German
Italian
Japanese
Korean
Russian
Spanish
